Suburban Sasquatch

One of the greatest nights I've had in a while was watching this with some friends on Zoom. So hang up some tarp, put on an Arby's uniform and give this a watch. You'll have some good laughs.

The tagline for this one should read something like this: C-list non-actors accosted by roving hair-suit idiot with massive Sasquatchian pepperoni nipples!

Well that was quite terrible.....having seen "Suburban Sasquatch" the other day gang, I can confidently tell you all that it's easily among the worst films ever made - and dare I say it, in it's most charming of moments this stinking, low-budget, crapfest of a movie has something of a Birdemic-quality to it. So that's something in it's favor, I guess. Of obvious amateur make Suburban Sasquatch is profoundly sub-par in all possible aspects and that's especially true when speaking of the acting that's seen throughout the film. But worse yet are the horrifically bad (sub-Birdemic quality) CGI effects which very frequently stain and smear the screen with copious amounts of computer-generated gore; the films CGI effects are simply among the worst ever seen anywhere. Combine those terrible effects with the fact that this movie was shot on video and you have one of the most visually cringeworthy collision of pixels ever assimilated in the form of a movie.

The films cast is simply beyond terrible and all have day jobs, this is especially true for "Rick" the films scrappy and "quick-witted" reporter. This-shlub-has-absolutely-no-business-being-in-movies! And then there's "John" the sheriff whose just as inept, but he just doesn't have as much screen time to show off his pitifully pathetic acting talents. But perhaps the most pathetic part of this movie is the Sasquatch itself...or rather the Sasquatch's suit; for starters the fur on the hands does not match the rest of it's fur and the mask looks as phony as can be. BUT best (worst?) of all are those massive-inverted-Sasquatchian-pepperoni-nipples!!! Just who was the perv who made that obscene suit?

And so as this most heavy-handed of hack-jobs neared conclusion I found myself cataloging all the usual amateurish mistakes, and let me tell you along the way I checked-off virtually all the mistakes typically made by amateur film crews (continuities EVERYWHERE, bad lighting, inconsistent sound, etc) though surprisingly enough I don't recall ever seeing the boom-mike in frame, so good job there guys! All in all this film really does have a Birdemic feel to it, BUT it's even worse and has an even lower budget. I can say that Suburban Sasquatch does get off to a much faster start, because after all there's murder in the air.

And on the matter of memorable director cameos just forget about Sorcese in Taxi Driver or any of Hitchcock's trademark pop-ins, this film has the absolute best one AND at the same time we also get one of the best reaction shots ever "Dave...".

So wrapping things up Suburban Sasquatch is bad on all counts, BUT it also has many moments of purely nonsensical fun. But I warn you to only watch it once - your brain will thank you for that later on.

Very, very, few movies are worse than Suburban Sasquatch and on that note - Sasquatch Nipples over and out!

There is a reason why I love these kinds of bad movies. While it is terrible in every aspect of film making, it's at least done with sincerity. I've said this many times with bad films, if the director is nuts and truly believes he is making art, the badness has a legitimacy to it. It's just infinitely more entertaining when the filmmakers truly believe. Of course some people doubt the sincerity, but this movie was made well before the era of bad movie appreciation.

There is not much to say about this. I mean, I do wish they had more instances of people getting their limbs ripped off. I mean, those are truly the best parts in this ridiculous farce. Beyond that, what else is there?

Don't believe the ratings!!!!!!!!!! An amazing take on the legendary BIGFOOT mythology. This is an absolute superb motion picture and a astonishing work of art. It really takes a great look on Mother Nature's method of retaliating against the invasive tendencies of suburban expansion and its toll on the natural environment. This is all I will say as I do not want to spoil this monumental experience. I highly recommend contacting local theatres to view this masterpiece in ULTRA AVX 3D.

Personal note: When I was a kid, there was a local teenager who made his own movies. He would invite the neighborhood kids over to his house, put a bed sheet on the wall, load up the projector, and... his latest horror "masterpiece" would work its magic. Mostly, it was kids from the same street, running around, falling, pretending to be dead, etc. There was also a lot of ketchup utilized.

Fast forward to 2004, and SUBURBAN SASQUATCH is unleashed. It uses the very same aforementioned filming techniques, only now it's adults running around instead of children. Horrendous CGI "effects" have replaced most of the ketchup, especially for the fire hose-like, blood spraying shots.

There are no production values per se, as this isn't really a production of any sort. Just wait until you see the "cops"! Don't even get me started on the whole "native American" angle! As for Sasquatch / Footy himself, well, let's just say that it was half off day at the used costume shop!

Oh my goodness!

Shot on what appears to have been a cell phone, it still managed to cost over $10,000.00 to make! Someone must have eaten an awful lot of pizza!

Now, in spite of everything stated, make no mistake, this "movie" is extremely entertaining. So, gather your friends, amass the appropriate intoxicants, and be prepared to howl until your lungs burn...