- Windows: You guys both got to stop perpetuating this myth that Boba Fett is some kind of bad-ass. All right? He has a jet pack. So did the Rocketeer. Really cool. When it comes time for battle, the man's Michael Bay - all style, no substance.
- Hutch: If you diss the Fett the again, I will corn-hole you with a lightsaber!
- Hutch: What's the Klingon for "I'm going to die a virgin"?
- Admiral Seasholtz: [Replies in fluent Klingon]
- Windows: Harrison Ford is the greatest actor of all time!
- Eric: In the history of cinema?
- Windows: He's Han Solo, Indiana Jones. Yes!
- Eric: Deckard from Blade Runner.
- Windows: Yes. Exactly. Greatest actor of all time. He's never done a bad movie.
- [the van drives by a billboard for the 1998 movie "Six Days, Seven Nights"]
- Hutch: Rule number one: In my van, it's Rush. All Rush, all the time. No exceptions. Rule number two: Nobody touch the red button. And I mean never touch the red button. Most importantly, rule number three: There's no jerking it in my van!
- Windows: [throwing up his hands] Fine...
- Hutch: [amid laughter] Don't roll your eyes at ME, Admiral Jackbar!
- Harry Knowles: You are only as strong as your weakest link...
- [walks up to Eric]
- Harry Knowles: Hello weakest link.
- Admiral Seasholtz: Okay. Hilarious, everyone. Looks like we got more Lucas hounds here to mock Roddenberry. Congratulations, gentleman, but I would like to see your Darth Vader take on one Borg drone. And we'll see who's laughing then. Am I right?
- Windows: Darth Vader can put the entire Borg collective in a vice grip with his mind.
- Admiral Seasholtz: Uh, Darth Vader has asthma, so name me one Star Trek character with a respiratory disease, 'cause I'm drawing a blank.
- Linus: Name me one Star Wars character who's gay.
- Hutch: Beside's you.
- Admiral Seasholtz: Well, no one's gay in Star Trek, so why would I even do that?
- Linus: Captain Picard.
- Admiral Seasholtz: Okay. Captain Picard is not gay. He's British.
- Windows: [in a swishy voice] Come on. "Make it so!"
- Linus: [Shatner has given them the access codes to Skywalker Ranch] How did you score all of this?
- William Shatner: Are you kidding? I'm William Shatner; I can score anything.
- Eric: How about Jeri Ryan's panties?
- Zoe: Asshole. You have been trying that Jedi mind shit on me since the eighth grade. It doesn't work.
- Hutch: Oh, it works. Tell her, Windows.
- Zoe: He's been geeking out with Rogue Leader all morning. Nothing can tear him away.
- [lifts her sweater, exposing her breasts to Windows who is on the Internet on his laptop, not looking up]
- Zoe: Ah, I love the feeling of fresh air on my naked breasts.
- Hutch: Oh, ho-ho!
- Zoe: See that? Man's immune to sweater yams.
- Hutch: What about me? I like sweater yams!
- Admiral Seasholtz: Just take a look-see here.
- Hutch: What's with the man-purse?
- Admiral Seasholtz: Yep. As I thought, scanner reads "douche bag."
- [title card]
- Title card/crawl: The year is 1998 and it is a period of galactic civil war. Scratch that. There's no civil war. That would be crazy. However, the past fifteen years have been a dark time for Star Wars fans.
- Title card/crawl: But there is hope. A new Star Wars film is on the horizon. In 199 days, 3 hours, 33 minutes and 29 seconds the most anticipated movie of all time will be released.
- Title card/crawl: In the remote state of Ohio, two best friends and lifelong Star Wars fans have drifted apart. Little do they know that on Halloween night, their paths will cross again...
- Title card/crawl: Ever wonder why these words are flying? Maybe aliens in another galaxy will one day read this and think WTF?
- Title card/crawl: sent from my iPhone.
- Windows: I met her in a Jedi chatroom. The woman is perfect. She's intelligent and acerbic, and a die-hard fan. She's even got connections inside the Lucas camp.
- Linus: Who's also got a man package and a goatee.
- Windows: You guys are all just jealous because she describes herself as a cross between Sarah Michelle Gellar and Janeane Garafolo.
- Hutch: Tell 'em how you described yourself.
- Windows: I was perfectly honest with her.
- Linus: You said you look like a white Billy Dee Williams. You called yourself white chocolate.
- Windows: I *am* white chocolate.
- Linus: I was wondering what did Sulu find in Captain Kirk's lavatory.
- Admiral Seasholtz: Sulu clearly found a standard issue Starfleet Z23 personal refuse device.
- Linus: I believe it was the Captain's log.
- Eric: Linus. Hey, stop walking. Linus! Hold up, man! Stop. What the hell, man? I did nothing to you.
- Linus: Exactly. You did nothing. Absolutely nothing. Eric Bottler graduates high school and never looks back. You bailed on our plan, Bottler!
- Eric: What plan? To be the next big thing in comics? Come on, man. That was never gonna happen. I did what I had to do, dude. I grew up. I'm the only one who did. Look at you guys.
- Linus: You know, you could fool anybody with this cheap suit, salesman-of-the-year pitch. But I know you better than anybody and deep down, you are one miserable son of a bitch.
- Head Of Security: Mr. Lucas is touched and mildly flattered by what have done here. And I have been informed that I feel the same way. So the charges are gonna be dropped. That is, of course, if you are what you appear to be.
- Windows: Uh, what do we appear to be?
- Head Of Security: Fanboys. Something we can easily determine with a simple quiz.
- Chaz: [to Star Wars fans dressed as Boba Fett] All right, let's move it, Boba Fags. End of the line.
- Hutch: I'm telling you, man. I took that Vulcan down hard. I rolled him into the dirt like he was my frickin tauntaun.
- Eric: Tauntaun, my ass. If it wasn't for me, you guys would all be dead.
- Windows: What fight were you watching? I was channeling the emperor.
- Linus: The emperor? I don't remember the emperor crapping his robe and screaming "time-out."
- Eric: Oh, my God. That's right.
- Windows: There is such a thing as time-out.
- Hutch: [imitating The Emperor] I can feel your anger growing inside. Wait. Time-out.
- The Chief: The Chief fixed it while you boys were asleep.
- Eric: The Chief fixed it. Is he around? Can we thank him?
- Linus: He's the Chief. You're the Chief, aren't you? Why didn't you say so?
- The Chief: The Chief likes to refer to himself in the third person. It causes confusion, especially with the bitches.
- Head Of Security: By the time y'all walk away from this your face are gonna be shrunken and shriveled...
- [walks up to Hutch]
- Head Of Security: ...just like your one nut.
- Hutch: What? How can he possibly know that?
- Head Of Security: Oh, we know about your uniball. We know everything, Mr. Harold Hutchinson, aka Hutch. Son of Gloria. Humongous Rush fan.
- Hutch: Dude, you're freaking me out. How do you know this?
- Head Of Security: Because you have a Rush shirt on, dipshit.
- [after passing a series of tests]
- Head Of Security: Congratulations. Mr. Lucas has decided to drop the charges.
- Eric: So... what? We're free to go, right?
- Head Of Security: Well, not exactly.
- [beat]
- Head Of Security: He says you can watch the film.
- [the group begins cheering]
- Head Of Security: Hold it. Hold it.
- [points to Linus]
- Head Of Security: Only you.
- [the group falls silent; Eric pats Linus on the back]
- Eric: It's good, man. It's right.
- Harry Knowles: [to Windows] Now, you listen to me, perv. If you even e-mail my niece again, I will hunt you down like a T-1000.
- Linus: We have to strip to Menudo?
- Thick-Necked Thug: You got a problem with Menudo? Now, take it off!
- Zoe: All right, everybody, shut up! Swear to God this little Ewok is going up in flames! I'll do it.
- THX Security Guard #4: Go ahead, burn it.
- Zoe: I will.
- THX Security Guard #4: Yeah, burn it.
- Hutch: Guys, nobody wants this.
- Zoe: I will.
- THX Security Guard #4: [Mimicking Yoda's voice] Burn it, burn it.
- Zoe: I'm gonna.
- THX Security Guard #4: Burn it.
- Zoe: That's what I said.
- THX Security Guard #4: Burn it.
- Zoe: I said it.
- THX Security Guard #4: Good, I was always more of a Star Trek fan anyway.
- Zoe: Oh...
- Hutch: These Trekkies are everywhere.