Invasion - Il giorno delle locuste

Halfway into the 00's, it looks as if CBS is trying to bring back what was a regular event on broadcast TV in the 70's and 80's -- the totally lame low budget TV-movie.

While I don't watch movies or shows that are appalling to me (thus explaining why I watched "Locusts" rather than "Desperate Housewives"), I am entertained by pictures that I find ridiculous. I only caught the last half-hour of CBS' last hastily served pseudo-big event, "Spring Break Shark Attack," and only the young that hasn't seen "Jaws" didn't know what that movie was before seeing it. Whatta hoot. Like "SBSA", the scenes in "Locusts" are eminently predictable.

As my summary above indicates, I really do miss Mike, Joel, Servo and Crow cracking wise at the inanity of movies like "Locusts." Prime scenes for their barbs would have been (SPOILERS!): the opening one where the assistant, showing off for her bug-fearing boyfriend, goes into the chamber full of locusts without putting on a jumpsuit; the following scene with the semi-naked Lucy Lawless (sing the National Anthem again for us, Lucy!) cutting short what should have been a romantic interlude with her chiseled-torsoed boyfriend (played by the wooden Dylan Neal), who whines like a child about how her prestigious Washington position takes her from his bed; the school bus scene when the daughter of the locusts' breeder calls for her daddy; the meeting with the USDA and the Dept. of Homeland Security, in which Lawless briefs a panel wearing full dress uniforms while she is dressed in skin-tight jeans; the inevitable expression of remorse from the entomologist, prior to his bloody demise; the scene in the Pittsburgh office, with the b-day party being interrupted by a picture window full of bugs (plus the revelation that the office hunk is even wimpier than Lawless' bf); the scene in the chopper when Lawless declares she's hormonal due to her pregnancy, and just might kill everyone in the chopper if the DHS doesn't change its drastic plan; the climactic kiss that is interrupted by the buzzing of the swarm; and just about every scene in which people are warned about the locusts' pending arrival -- first, they're in denial; minutes later, they're running for their lives.

I gave this movie three stars for each of the three best things about "Locusts": the eye candy. Her Lawlessness herself, the "MILF"-ish Natalia Nogulich, and the birthday girl from the office, the sexy, magnetic, and buxom Azure Dawn, who, according to her IMDb page, is going to be in CBS' upcoming "Elvis" mini-series as "sequined actress." I can hardly wait!

Keep an eye out for Azure Dawn in the future. On second thought, keep both eyes out. You don't want to miss anything!

Gina has to feed the locusts in Lab C-12 at the Virginia Agricultural Institute. She's not concerned about going in the room with the locusts because, after all, they're just grasshoppers ...

Dr. Maddy Rierdon (whose robe is open and doesn't cover her underwear), an Undersecretary of Agriculture, answers the phone and finds out she has to investigate yet another crisis involving insects. This bothers Dan (who is wearing a towel). Eventually he wants to break up with Maddy because she spends too much time on work. Later, Maddy calls him while he at his job as a United Nations Agricultural liaison, giving a tour to a group of Africans. In one of the film's few really funny moments, the translator explains that Americans have relationship problems, which makes the Africans laugh.

Dr. Peter Axelrod (John Heard) has developed a hybrid locust from the Desert Locust and the Australian Plague Locust. It has a shorter gestational period and a longer life span than normal locusts, and it migrates faster ... and it's resistant to all known pesticides. Dr. Rierdon orders his lab shut down, and Dr. Axelrod is fired. All the locusts are destroyed. Well, almost. A couple get away down a drain, and another small group gets shipped, with a special warning label, to a California Air Force Base. At the base, there is an accident, and the locusts get out.

Dr. Rierdon is in California anyway to check on a West Nile Virus threat. The locusts from the base have multiplied into a giant swarm and attacked a couple of campers and some Spanish-speaking farm workers.

Meanwhile, in the East, Dr. Axelrod has still not found work (though a defense job is a possibility), but he goes to the gym so he can at least keep in shape. On the way there, he encounters the descendants of the second group of escaped locusts--and so do his daughter Sofia and all the kids on her school bus.

Wyatt, a meteorologist in Oklahoma, advises both Dr. Rierdon and Dr. Axelrod on the weather conditions that might determine where the swarms will go next. Unfortunately, at this point, Dr. Rierdon wants Dr. Axelrod to stay out of the investigation.

Pittsburgh is such a beautiful, modern city, which has overcome its image as a dirty and industrial. No longer is the city covered by dark clouds ... oh, wait.

Only one thing will kill these evil creatures. Saddam Hussein used it on his people. If nothing is done, world famine will result. Perhaps it is worth sacrificing some Americans to save the country's food supply.

The eventual solution to the locust problem is as unbelievable as the fact such a swarm could form in the first place.

If you enjoy movies like this (and I do) this was pretty good. I'm not saying this was a good movie. Almost nothing about it suggests quality except the visual effects. These swarms were scary (to me, anyway), even in the lab. And there were a few brief, well-done shots of what appeared to be real locusts eating. As for any attempts at scientific accuracy, I don't think anyone was really trying.

I found the characters in Stacey's office in Pittsburgh appealing enough that I would like to have seen a whole movie about them. Oh, well ...

Mike Farrell got old! I didn't even recognize him at first in the first scene where he appeared, talking with his daughter Maddy on the phone. He was really good in that scene, but later he wasn't anything special. Other good performances came from the translator and the farm workers.

If you like bad horror movies, this is a good one.

(This post contains spoilers, so don't scroll down too far too quickly if you don't want to know what happens) I, being a huge Lucy Lawless fan, could not wait to see this movie. My dad and I sat through the entire 2 hours, which feels more like 4, the entire time thinking and saying "This is so unbelievable..!!", at one point my dad even said that she (Lucy Lawless) must have owed someone a favor..That's how surprised we were that she would be doing something like this. The plot is hard to believe (This coming from someone who couldn't believe more strongly in suspension of disbelief) and it seems the characters overreact, getting the government involved so early on? Their first result using nerve gas that was originally for the war in Iraq? I tried so hard to like this movie, but the final straw was..**SPOILER SPOILER**

When the man who created the locusts is helping Maddy get fuel for their solution, and is KILLED by the locusts..Now, I could see if he staggered in COVERED by them and bleeding to death barely able to walk, but he appeared to only have a swollen eye and cuts on his face. Granted his face was beaten up, I didn't think that an injury like that could kill someone...All in all the only reason to watch this movie would be to see Lucy. She is an incredible actress, but sadly, even she could not save this movie.

Oh my, oh my, oh my. Awful doesn't even begin to describe this moronic waste of time. This movie is really just an incessant cell phone ringing and someone picking it up looking harried and worried. Yet another reason to hate technology--infesting the movies now with cell phones to eat up the scenery. Wow, kept me riveted! This blech of a movie is pathetic and I'm a huge fan of science fiction. This doesn't exactly harken back to the good old sci-fi/B movies of the past--it is insulting and a grind to watch. I was hoping the locusts would eat everyone and start with the people with cell phones parked at their heads.

You know when you pass by a car wreck and you know that it's something bad, but you just have to look at it. Well, this is that movie! For the most part it has bad acting and a really silly plot. The only reason that I'm giving it a four is because the Locusts actually look really good when grouped up and close-ups are real Locusts. Some of the government action seems pretty realistic, except for this one General that wants to spray VX-Nerve Gas, but that's really all I can say good about this movie. If your so board out of your mind and you can't sleep then laugh yourself to sleep at this movie. If you have better things to do then you know what to do. I give this movie a very giving 4 out of 10!