The Bracelet of Bordeaux

I'm from the community of The Woodlands, Texas, an affluent suburb about 30 miles north of Houston. As a film nerd, I was always excited to see the only "major" motion picture movie to be filmed in my town, that being The Bracelet Of Bordeaux. I remember when it came out, many of my middle school friends were talking about being in the background, or that their houses or streets could be seen in the distance. After over a decade of curiosity, I finally tracked down the only production from my hometown...and it's sadly not only a bad movie, but one of the worst movies I've ever seen.

Not a single solitary aspect of this film is good. I suppose the two young child protagonists are passable, but that's about it. The production quality looks like an effortless middle school project made by two slackers, like it was filmed on a $50 Flip camera bought at Walmart. Youtube videos look better than this. The villains are over the top and completely pointless with no real motives beyond just being poorly written villains (the Italian mob teaming with generic metalhead punks? What?). The script is horrible, the jokes are cringeworthy, and everything else I haven't mentioned yet is just abysmal. On top of everything, it's just excruciatingly boring. It became a chore to watch this film after just 10 minutes. There's also a two minute long dog fart battle...I don't think I need to explain why that's a bad thing.

It becomes so bad that it stops being funny, and instead becomes a trance-inducing film coma of swirling chaos, something not even the worst shrooms could give. I mostly blame the horrendous grainy home-camera cinematography, but the terrible writing, acting, and humor all blend together to create a pool of depression, like an everflowing stream of hallucinogenic fluff.

Not to mention all the Texas stereotypes. I'm sure most northerners or foreigners don't know this, but most Texans don't wear the cliché cowboy hat and boots, especially in modern upper class community like The Woodlands, where the official community uniform might as well be Vineyard Vines or Hollister. Most Woodlanders would laugh at the sight of a cowboy hat. As you'd expect, every other male character in this film wears a giant cowboy hat and boots with spurs, spewing out cliché slang like "HOWDY Y'ALL?" and "WHAT IN TARNATION!" You'd think that, because the movie was filmed in Texas, they'd see that nobody actually dressed or talked like that. The only thing missing is a shootout at high noon and a brawl in the saloon. At least it doesn't take place in the desert.

So everything is terrible, right? Well, we still haven't discussed the worst part of the movie: the production itself. The film was made by Frank Eakin, who, according to people I've interviewed and reports I've read online, claimed to be a big Hollywood hotshot and would "make The Woodlands the next Hollywood". He claimed the film would be a massive budget fantasy film on the same scale as The Chronicles Of Narnia, and because of that, said that all extras had to pay $250 for the blessing of being in a major blockbuster. After filming wrapped, Eakin and crew fled town and gave no updates on the film for 3 years, making the town believe that they had been scammed. Finally, after 3 years of locals raging about their wasted money, the film suddenly appeared out of nowhere, not in theaters, but in local video shops. Instead of the massive scale blockbuster they were promised, they received a crappy low budget home video with terrible effects, awful jokes, and wasted community effort. On top of that, many of the kids who paid $250 to appear in the film had their scenes cut entirely and appear nowhere in the deleted scenes or extras. However, it doesn't end there. When parents went to IMDb to vent their frustrations, they found that their comments and reviews were flagged and deleted, and were replaced by several clearly fake reviews praising the film and, in particular, gloating about how amazing and talented Frank Eakin is. Go and read them for yourself and see if you think they're real or not. If this review mysteriously gets deleted, you'll know the truth.

So, what's the lesson here? Don't lie to a community about making a horrible passion project, because your film may end up being one of the worst films ever made. The Woodlands is a beautiful community with a plethora of interesting things and it deserves much better than a movie about magical farting dogs.

I saw this film on opening night and I'm here to say, the filmmakers did a wonderful job. Yes, they managed to put together a professional quality movie on a low budget. Yes, they got knock-out performances from a mostly amateur cast. And yes, they managed to do it all in The Woodlands, Texas, but most of all they managed to combine a compelling storyline with subject matter and comedy that the whole family can enjoy. This film features a great soundtrack and noticeably great sound. One of the greatest weaknesses of independent film is the sound. It really is what separates the men from the boys. What impressed me the most, technically, concerning The Bracelet of Bordeaux, is that it has great sound all the way through the film. You can really get lost in the story itself when there's nothing getting in the way, and with Bracelet, all you're going to hear is clarity.

This movie has gotten very positive reviews in the local press and from a national critic. My expectations were high, and they were fully met. We attended the movie because it stars a cute Papillon (I have two) and kids who love mystery adventures. The story kept me engaged from start to finish and the performances were excellent.

My girl and boy loooved it. It was filled with many chuckles for both kids and parents. In order to understand the performances, you had to understand the type of humor and off-beat nature of the characters. The kids seemed to get it, as they laughed often and clapped enthusiastically at the end of the movie.

The headline of the review from a tough movie critic in today's The Villager was "The Bracelet of Bordeaux Works Like a Charm". I agree.

I had recently posted a comment and someone filed an abuse complaint and had it deleted because I chose not to lie about the quality of the film. This is truly one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life and I am very sorry my family wasted our money renting it. The acting is horrendous, the French accents are by far the most fake accents I have ever heard in a film, and every now and then, the characters drop their "French" accents and speak with American ones. The quality of picture and lighting is very poor, and I'm not even sure I follow what's going on. I don't know how the people who made this could watch it and think it was suitable for the viewing public.

Fm: Frank Eakin, Producer

Below you will find excerpts from four reviews, written by professional journalists and critics:

THE BRACELET OF BORDEAUX REVIEWS

By Greg Flakus, Voice of America

(10.26.06)

"Looking for some light, fun and engaging entertainment for the whole family? The Bracelet of Bordeaux is your ticket. This film has all the elements of a mystery drama, plus chuckles aplenty for both kids and their parents. The story revolves around the adventures of two pre-teen girls and their dogs. There are bad guys from the mafia and Punk scene, and even a nasty old neighbor lady, but the girls prevail thanks to a bit of magic and a lot of pluck. The Bracelet of Bordeaux is likely to become a family favorite for years to come."

By David Dow Bentley III, The People's Critic

(www.ThePeoplesCritic.com 10.24.06----People's Critic Archive 10.24.06)

"It is widely recognized that Hollywood is under-nourishing our nation's youth when it comes to supplying wholesome, entertaining films with general family appeal. If my recent viewing of the final cut print of THE BRACELET OF BORDEAUX is any clue, relief is on the way from Texas-based Eakin Films. The magical adventures of young Helen, her adorable dog, Rufus, and her best friend Marie, comprise an amusing and mysterious tale that is promising to captivate both young and old. Have we found the female Harry Potter? Eakin looks poised to give the folks at Disney a run for their money. Brace yourself for BRACELET fun!!! "

By Howie Doyle, Editor, That Texas Magazine (December, 2006)

"A delightful, locally produced, independent film.... The storyline has been likened to the Harry Potter series, and in fact doesn't stray far from the formula that Spielberg mined with E.T., which has spawned thousands of hours of fantastic and heartwarming cinematic entertainment in the last 25 years. And like the best of these movies, The Bracelet of Bordeaux, which runs just over an hour and a half, comes up with enough belly laughs and light drama to keep parents entertained as well."

By Gary Brown, Reviewer, The Villager (December 21, 2006)

"Considering the relatively low budget, I was most impressed with the near Disney Channel-like quality of the production. The photography, musical score, and special effects are all superb, but more importantly the movie features a great kid-friendly script with an underlying theme about friendship....The acting in the film, particularly the young performers, is quite good."