Non dire mai addio

I make onion poha for breakfast thrice a week, with the bare minimum ingredients possible. One day I tried to experiment some (inspired by the stalls outside my Engineering college) and tried some sugar (caramelized onions anyone?), extra turmeric and some red chilli powder. The result was anything but edible but I humbly gulped it down.

KANK is an honest attempt to break away from the mauled of sugary romances by the new age love guru Karan Johar. An honest attempt, huh? Its the result that speaks volumes in the age of fast-food and fast-love. What we get to witness this time is not the time tested elaborate shaadis, karwa chauths or the big fat Indian family reunions, reminiscent of his and Yash "uncle's" earlier movies. This time its the bold subject of infidelity - the sensitive (ahem!) portrayal of seeking love outside a loveless (???) marriage. How far does Karan succeed? Lets check it out through the eyes of a neutral, unassuming viewer.

KANK is the story about Dev (Shahrukh), a footballer whose career dreams are broken along with his leg when he meets with a freak accident, which makes him a recluse. His ever complaining ways puts his marriage with Rhea (Priety), a successful woman, on the rocks. In another part of New York city, there is marital tension between Rishi (Abhishek), & Maya (Rani) for reasons only known to Karan dude. Maya is a cleanliness freak and doesn't know why she is married to Rishi even after 4 years being together. She thinks that she is trapped in a loveless marriage, whereas her hubby still goes ga-ga over her. In the midst of all this mayhem, we have the swinging sexagenarian Sam (Big B) who could be the poster boy for Viagra and Dev's endearing mom played by Kirron Kher.

Its baffling to comprehend the first meeting between the protagonists Dev & Maya on the latter's wedding day and the subsequent exchange of words between total strangers. She is confused about the marriage right from the word go due to godforsaken reasons. Cut to the present times and the duo meet up under similarly make-belief circumstances. The sequences revolving around a bizarre character "Black Beast" is corny to the core (now I wish I had seen Krrish!). The first half is laced with incoherent scenes like these, barring a few. The screen lights up whenever Big B is there, he provides the much desired light-hearted moments. His tete-a-tete with Kirron Kher is quite funny.

Well, coming back to the crux of the movie, the protagonists become pally, meet up regularly and discuss ways to save their crumbling marriages. At this point, Karan dude goes over the top again and gives us the work which resembles that of an overzealous amateur. The scenes where Maya teaches Dev the art of giving a good massage in a furniture store and Karan trying it on his wife and Maya metamorphosing into a seductive hunterwaali clearly takes the movie to abysmal levels. Then the inevitable happens, the duo become too close for comfort and decide to cheat on their respective spouses - what set out as mending work created a bigger monster.

Now lets talk about the performances, which forms the most important aspect of a Karan Johar movie as he employs the best in the industry. Shahrukh plays the role of Dev with conviction and nobody else could have bettered him here, but hey wait a minute, haven't I seen the same expressions in half a dozen of his earlier movies? Rani is competent but one hardly tends to sympathize with her character inspite of crying a bucketful. Abhishek Bachchan is the surprise packet, he goes through a range of emotions as if he is already a veteran, great acting from the junior. Priety looks glamorous and in a couple of scenes manages to overshadow king Khan too, but was that cleavage show necessary? Kirron Kher too does a great job but its Big B who again proves yet again that he is the real king and this time he gives a certain Mr.Hashmi a run for his money. He is ice cool in the first half and philanthropic towards the latter stages.

All said and done, the stellar cast raises the bar of the movie but then to what extent? A movie with such a half baked plot and treatment can't be saved from the obvious, it disappoints. The screenplay leaves a lot to be desired and that poses a question in front of Karan dude - Is it really worth to break away from the mauled? An ardent fan of his movies would be satisfied watching the protagonists running around trees and mustard fields and elaborate traditional celebrations of filthy rich families.

Nowadays I make onion pohas with a dash of lemon and they taste just fine. I guess I've learnt that the right way of making it by pondering over my mistakes, without going overboard with experimentation. Good luck Mr Johar!

Certainly a very different Hindi movie, not the usual happy family type drama! I am sure this movie shocked quite a few people, but I think it was quite an original plot. Rani looks amazing as always, and though Preity looks quite old, she manages to pull off the glamorous fashion magazine executive look with her usual giggles and bubbly personality. Everyone acted very well and were well chosen for the roles. Nice songs and a very realistic movie,especially keeping in mind the Indian culture. The movie is quite funny in the first half, but does drag a bit in the second half. Overall, it makes sense and could be appreciated if one watches it with an open mind. Would certainly recommend it.

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna was promoted as Karan Johar's most mature work. It's not, and it's actually rather childish in the way it addresses marriage. Look, the combination of comedy and drama, laughs and tears is common in Hindi films, and I like it, but it doesn't work here. The banality of the story couldn't be more contrived or transparent: two couples (Shahrukh and Preity; Abhishek and Rani), in two troubled, unsuccessful relationships; Shahrukh befriends Rani and Preity befriends Abhishek; while Abhishek and Preity become good friends, Shahrukh and Rani clearly want more, which later on grows as expected. The film has a great share of loopholes. First, it is so exhaustingly long, especially for the story it tells. Almost four hours. And considering two hours were just trashy jokes and loud songs, I would've deleted at least one hour of it. While the combination of comedy and drama was handled quite well in Kal Ho Naa Ho, it was overdone here: the comedy was more of a parody, the drama was more of a soap opera. Most of the time the comedy is ridiculous and consistently unfunny. Amitabh Bachchan's affairs with young prostitutes and his pathetic behaviour are not funny at all and are actually very embarrassing. The "Black Beast" sequence should have been deleted, it's one of the most redundant, pathetic and pointless sequences I can imagine. It's just one of many sequences which didn't contribute to the film in any way.

Towards the end of a hardly amusing first half, the comedy ends. And all of a sudden starts the drama. The couples start fighting and insulting each other intensively in what resembles the cheapest of soap operas or sometimes even a very bad school play. An overblown scenery is filled with cheap and cliché "family situations", which are totally unconvincing and everything about them strains credulity. And this supposedly brings to the so-called extramarital affair. Many ask, does Karan Johar really know what marriage is all about? The answer is a definite no, and he's not even smart enough to be able to guess. His approach to the idea or concept of a marriage is shallow and lacking in any depth or critical thinking. As a result, the film in those portions where marital life is put to test, is unrealistic, hard to believe, and just never rings true. Johar's cheesy, theatrical and overly emotional dialogue could be forgiven if the characters weren't wealthy people living in New York 2006 - for your information, they don't speak like this. The music in the background is just completely distracting. I do know people like Hindi films also for their escapist and larger-than-life melodramas, but even in such films, the context is always clear, as opposed to this film which pretends to be a portrait of a marriage which never gels.

Those were the specifics, but what about the basics, like, for instance, the fact that the main characters always bump into each other "coincidentally" in the streets of New York as if it was as small as Chandni Chowk. Moreover, the setting is ridiculously exaggerated - the lavish houses and interiors make no sense, sorry but they don't look like people who could afford them and their financial and social background hasn't been set up well enough to make any of their lifestyle credible. I just kept wondering who are these people! Are they American citizens, or Indians living in America? They speak Hindi and heavily accented English, so they haven't been in the US for long, so what made them move to America? How come recent immigrants are so financially successful? If they were successful back in India, why did they move to the US in the first place? Even the little boy, supposedly US-born, speaks English with a Hindi accent. Does Johar even know that no kid speaks a heritage language better than a dominant societal language, especially English? More than anything, this tendency to choose foreign countries to tell stories of Indians is really getting pathetic. India is such a wonderful, culturally rich country, why go elsewhere?

The acting in this film is roundly average, but no one is to be blamed in particular since the direction, writing and editing are so weak, and the setting and dialogue just keep reducing the desired seriousness of the situations. Shah Rukh Khan, in one of his most unpleasant performances, is irritating for the most part. He can be a great actor when given the right opportunity, but this role is not for him as, worse than just not being good enough, he fails to register its complexity and mostly overacts. There are some scenes where he manages to retrieve his trademark witty style here for a few minutes, but his character is too exaggerated and underwritten to work, and strangely even his charisma is missing! At points one is even left wondering why anyone would fall for him here in the first place. Rani Mukherjee is similarly a major letdown. First, she does not really act, she mostly cries. I mean, she is a waterfall. I think she should learn that displaying grief is not all about tears. And there are far too many tears there. I wonder how much glycerin she used in this film. She seems to not have a clue what it really takes to play her character's inner struggle which is never brought out well; hers is overall a weak act.

Those who really do well are the supporting actors, particularly Preity Zinta, who is excellent as Rhea. Despite a relatively small role (which Johar must be slapped for), she comes across as a strong, serious career woman and is always credible and dignified. She convincingly displays Rhea's tough outside and soft inside, and her gestures and line delivery are spot on. When given the right chance, Abhishek is a revelation, but the chance is limited. His romantic and loving Rishi is a lovely character on paper, much less so within the film's context, but the actor does it relatively well. His dramatic scenes are difficult to play and he partly delivers. As expected, Kirron Kher is spectacular in a brief part. Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna is visually pleasing, partly watchable, and only occasionally entertaining. Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy's soundtrack is fantastic and the songs are beautifully pictured, especially "Tumhi Dekho Naa". The film's ending is overlong, could have been shortened, but worse than that, it shows how morally damaged the entire outlook of the writers is - a story of infidelity is romanticised in a way that really looks peculiar. KANK is a poor film, it is poorly executed, but it does have glipses of Bollywood's unique style, colour and beauty, and that's why I do understand people who are willing to forgive its flaws.

• Magnificent sets

• Intricate art design

• Designer costumes

• Eye-pleasing visuals

• Loads of celebrations

• A Punjabi track with bikini babes

• Feel-good factor

• Trademark Shahrukh Khan

• Complimentary Kajol fluttering sari for a 5 second song appearance

• Predicted houseful openings

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna has all the regular contents of a Karan Johar extravaganza. Plus a story this time!

In 1981, Yash Chopra made Silsila on extra-marital affairs that was considered ahead of its times. The culmination of its theme, however, was as per the Indian sensibilities of those times. 25 years later, Karan Johar makes a film on extra-marital affairs (am not drawing any parallels between the two films whatsoever) and the culmination of the plot makes it the so called 'different' or a 'bold' film.

A bold film is not about sex, skin or sleaze. It's about matured mindsets and moving ahead with times. Karan also moves ahead with KANK. In terms of its plot outlines, while Kuch Kuch Hota Hai was an overrated triangular love story and Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Ghum was just another conventional family drama, Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna has a comparatively sensible and substantial story to back the candy floss on the screen.

The story, as everybody and their second cousin by now know, is about an extra marital affair.

The visual appeal in a Karan Johar film is, like always, intricate and immaculate. Be it Anil Mehta's eye-pleasing camera-work, Sharmista Roy's appealing art design, Manish Malhotra's fashion fiesta or Farah Khan's cosmic choreography, everyone is just perfect in their department.

But as I earlier said, apart from the visual dazzlery, the movie clicks because it has something to say in which it succeeds. Karan always had heart in his films; here he puts in a lot of soul too. Shibani Bhatija who earlier wrote the overrated Fanaa this year, co-writes a more cohesive, convincing and a satisfying screenplay for KANK with Karan Johar. The comic scenes are very well written while the emotional ones are deftly acted and executed. Dialogues vary from the tongue-in-cheek lines in the lighthearted scenes to the regular ones in the emotional outbursts. Niranjan Iyenger's witty one-liners compliment the funny scenes without a glitch.

Also the screenplay balances the bittersweet act and maintains the equilibrium. While a Karan Johar film is broadly envisaged as a compulsive tearjerker, KANK has sufficient light-hearted frivolous relief in the first half. The scene where Rani Mukherjee tries to impersonate a BDSM girl is outrageously hilarious. If you go to compare KANK with Karan's earlier works, the tone of the film is more like a Kal Ho Naa Ho (which was written by Karan) as compared to his over-dramatic first two directions. In fact what sets the film apart from the daily soaps on the idiot box (each one of which is based on an extra-marital affair) is that the performances never get overtly melodramatic even in the emotional outbursts.

The pace is slow and the movie does get stretched in the second half. The conclusion could have been impermeable to the audiences' mentality but the screenplay has enough conviction to make it digestible. And while Karan took excuses of the bhartiya sanskriti and parampara in his first two films, here thankfully he stays free from the culture crap and sanskaar endorsements. On the contrary, KANK strides against the clichés in culture to make its own way. And the best part is that it doesn't do this blatantly.

Of course while going off-route, there are some elements where he arguably takes the fast-forward path. Like Amitabh Bachchan's characterization of a philandering sexagenarian might not gel well with the Indian sensibilities. But since his character adds a comic angle to the film and isn't the central focus either, one doesn't take it quite seriously. Still, the idea of imagining Amitabh Bachchan and his character sleeping with a new whore every night, without a trace of repentance and with the full knowledge of his son, isn't easily digestible.

What's notable in this film is that rather than just being the usual Chopra-Johar escapist cinema, it has a lot of realism too. For instance Shahrukh in KANK is not just the regular lover-boy. Though he continues his legacy of wooing the female species and taking away a woman from his initial partner in the film (he has been doing this since ever), he still isn't that man who makes things happen for others. The Dev Saran of KANK has a lot of vulnerability in him that makes him much human rather than the regular perfectionist SRK (of films like Main Hoon Na, Mohobbatien or Kal Ho Naa Ho) who plays the peacemaker and makes things happen for others. Imperfection makes Dev Saran real rather than starry.

In an age of breaking marriages and failing relationships, the movie's portrayal of the incompatibility in marital bonding is something that a contemporary audience can relate to. In a film that demands a lot of emotional play, the performances are as natural as it can get. Preity Zinta has the spunk to carry off the career woman character, Abhishek has a melting intensity, Rani only gets better like an old wine and Shahrukh, despite indulging in his trademark antiques, is acceptable for his character's vulnerability.

I am not a hardcore Karan Johar fan, neither am I cynical about his flamboyant films. I watched KANK with an open mind and without preconceived notions. So on the credit of its content, KANK ended up being neither a superlative piece of cinema nor the abysmal film tagged by its hypercritical detractors. It's just the perfect balance of entertainment.

Maturity, sensibility and entertainment increased in direct proportion from Karan Johar's K2H2 to K3G to KHNH. KANK continues the trend.

....Karan Johar for KANK!

I was waiting with so much excitement for this movie only to have my hopes dashed in the biggest way possible. I have loved some of Karan Johar's earlier films and thoroughly enjoyed them. However, I think this time around, he has completely got it wrong! (Which is OK because we are all humans and we make mistakes). This being a Rs500 million one.

This movie dragged on endlessly. The only salvation to all this... Amitabh Bachchan and Abishek Bachchan, who stole the show with their on-screen chemistry.

Is this movie worth a watch? No...not unless you have absolutely nothing better to do. Even then, I'd recommend chewing or biting your arm off as a better option.