- Craig Ferguson: [referring to Halloween or Friday the 13th] Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey.
- Craig Ferguson: Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.
- Craig Ferguson: I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying...
- Craig Ferguson: [Referring to Smokey the Bear] Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!
- Craig Ferguson: Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well YOU, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.
- [Discussing the snake in the Garden of Eden]
- Craig Ferguson: You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.
- Craig Ferguson: [an e-mailer asked Craig why he doesn't grow a beard] I have a beard. Just not on my face...
- Craig Ferguson: [repeated line, at the start of the monologues] It is a great day for America, and I'll tell you why.
- [Craig is greeting the audience]
- Craig Ferguson: Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you.
- Craig Ferguson: [On '70s-era Scottish porn] The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.
- Craig Ferguson: What we DO have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the "Shawshank Redemption" of late night!
- [after using a swear word in a monologue, which is censored]
- Craig Ferguson: They know what I'm saying, why don't you JUST LET ME SAY IT?
- Craig Ferguson: I KNOW that's not the right accent, but I can't DO the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.
- Craig Ferguson: [holding up a black and white headshot of a guest] He's in black and white here, but he'll be in color when he comes out.
- Craig Ferguson: You know, where I come from, an antique, to be called an antique, it has to be at least a hundred years old. That's a law: before you can call something an antique, it has to be a hundred years old. In L.A., something that's been around for a couple of weeks is an antique. It's true! People are like, "Look at this old-fashioned iPod. Look at this! It's the size of a man's hand! Ha ha ha ha. Back then-back then, people thought Mel Gibson was just acting crazy. It was a very different time."
- Craig Ferguson: I know what you're thinking: yet another late night talk show host accusing Neil Sedaka of being a war criminal.
- [Craig is doing a "live rerun" that he claims is from September 4, 2007, about two years earlier. He has just read an email in which a viewer suggested Craig join a "crazy religion" to fit in with Hollywood. Craig pulls out his rattlesnake cup]
- Craig Ferguson: Actually, it's now I want to talk to you about Snakeism. A few years ago - about September the 4th, 2007 - I got involved with a cult. And I'm still in them. We believe that snakes are awesome, and it's... cool to be strict with your pets.
- Craig Ferguson: [laughing] And that's all we believe in!
- [Craig is comparing two coffee mugs]
- Craig Ferguson: You notice, this cup is bigger than that cup. It's like a BRA!
- Craig Ferguson: He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name.
- [Commenting on the studio audience's upbeat reaction to his downbeat material]
- Craig Ferguson: So it's a round of applause for stabbing myself in the testicle, FAILING, and the start of World War One!