The Number One Girl

"The Number One Girl" is the front runner for worst movie of the year. I can't hate this movie more if I tried.

The plot is about Joey Scalini (Schiena) who is asked to be a judge in a beauty pageant run by his old friend Dragos Molnar (Jones) who is also a gangster. Joey eventually falls for the title character Tatiana (Lisa McAllister). But Dragos doesn't like that and he goes insane. He closes down the pageant after party and turns it into a fighting ring. Now Joey has to fight Dragos and his bodyguards to the death!

Everything about this movie is absolutely terrible:

The acting: Tony Schiena has put in better work in the Van Damme flick "Wake Of Death" but shows no talent or charisma here. Vinnie Jones needs to get this one off his filmography fast. He's better than Scheina, but not by much.

The pacing and directing: The movie is less than 90 minutes but it feels like an eternity. The directing is filled with static shots of nothing happening. In the pageant scene he's not even trying to cover up the fact that the contestants aren't singing(or acting for that matter).

The fighting: The fight scenes are downright awful. Every move is cut too fast so you can't see what's going on. Seagal's stunt doubles are better than these fighters.

In the end, trust me, you never want to see this... ever!

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The one star was for Vinnie alone, nothing in this film was worth while. I stupidly bought it because Vinnie Jones is a cool actor, he was brilliant in Lock Stock and has that 'hard man' image down to a tee. I started watching with my mate and you notice the abysmal acting straight away, we thought it might get better but ended up fast forwarding a lot just to get to some action....which was awfully choreographed and poorly acted. Fight to the death!? It's an old cliché, but my grandma could have beaten up tony schiena's character. And what was all the slow-mo scenes about? At least I have a spare DVD case now and, who knows, if I run out of toilet paper I have a back up. If I were Vinnie I would be ashamed that I ever let tony Schiena beat him up...even if it was a movie. (I would have given this a minus number if I could....it's an hour or more of my life I will never get back!)

You can see the appeal when pitched - gangster and Hollywood star fight over beauty pageant favourite - but the execution from dialogue to staging is so horrible as to miss out on any possible positive result. The poor acting of the leads is only emphasised by assigning them long, rambling voiceovers in addition to dialogue, and the approach to the beauty pageant is incredibly 1970's and misogynistic, like a 12-year-old's staging of the whole idea.

Hidden somewhere is a worthy plot about international exploitation - something like "Traffic" - but it's incredibly well concealed. Meanwhile everything looks exactly like the budget available - the beauty pageant is in a London theatre but a really small one, the gangster's supposedly plush house is errrrr... kinda OK but not really spectacular. The music is adequate but doesn't really sound like it was composed for this movie, which must be some kind of problem...

It all feels bizarrely as if no-one involved with the entire process actually had English as their native language, which is ... really weird. The oddest thing is that it doesn't LOOK like one of those Z-list, shot on video, indie exploitation movies you find in Pound shops (though that's where I found it), it's just really, really badly done.

Just turned up in Melbourne, Australia in December 2007. Never a good sign! Not only straight to video, but late to video.

I've seen Vinnie Jones drag other crappy movies from total crap to watchable crap (say Condemned or Slipstream). A true scenery chewer, one of the best.

But even Jebus himself couldn't have saved this woeful turkey. Started bad, got worse and surprisingly even worse.

I can tolerate the bad acting, the bad script and bad music but the direction was truly pedestrian.

Avoid at all cost, I want by 2 dollars and 2 hours back!

Of all the films we've ever watched this has to be the absolute worst! You wouldn't even wish your worst enemy to watch this! What has Vinnie Jones been done! Surely he can't recover from this pile of poop! Worth a watch just for the fact it's so bad it's hilarious.

Don't even bother! It's worse than the cheesiest film you can ever imagine, times by ten, add a load of people who can't act and then sit on a chair full of razors!

Did someone really pay to budget this film? If so you must be a mug mate!

BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD!