.357 Magnum

I saw this film once as the opener to "Blue Collar" - no idea why the theater booked it. Maybe they thought it was "Magnum Force."

Every possible thing that could be wrong with a film is here - bad acting, bad camera, bad sound, bad script, bad props, bad effects, bad fights, bad squibs, bad locations, bad directing, even bad credit roll!

The plot involves a cult of criminal "sort-of ninja warriors" who use .357 Magnum pistols to do crimes and attack other bands of pistol totin' ninja warriors. Some scenes are supposedly shot in Japan, but it is actually San Francisco Chinatown with the film flipped over so they drive on the wrong side of the road. At least they knew that cars actually do that in Japan - probably the only thing they got correct.

As reviews of other Nick Miller productions on IMDb have noted, there is such low quality in every aspect of the film it is hard to actually figure out the plot. Anyway, lots of people get shot (often at close range and suffering multiple ketchup wounds) yet manage to continue to wander through the film, drive sports cars and do other nonsensical things, pretending to be in a movie. Even the "sexy bits" with Go-Go Dancers and strippers seemed like they were just thrown in to the final cut without a thought.

When the credits finally rolled (Sound by Bob, Camera by Joe, etc.) the audience was shouting at the screen, throwing empty pop-corn boxes and cups in disgust and demanding their money back. (This was a $1.50 matinée double feature.)

It's kind of refreshing to see a guy like Nick Millard do such an ambitious plot. So far I've only seen two types of 'stories' from him. It's either a) people have sex in a moldy old house or b) people get stabbed with a tinfoil knife in a moldy old house. Now all of a sudden, we get international espionage? Count me in!

What's striking about "357 Magnum" is that Millard discovered a new location: outside. Obviously his house does make an appearance, but this movie also takes us to Angola, Hong Kong, Japan, England and Tucson (clearly the most impressive one). For practical reasons most of these locations are actually San Francisco, but it does seem like this movie had some kind of a budget. It's shot on (granted, atrocious) film with some semi-competent actors, which seems downright alien if you mostly know Millard from his shot-on-video projects from the 1980s. Hell, it doesn't even reuse the credits from "Criminally Insane"! All the names are clearly made-up though, with Millard giving himself the bizarre pseudonym Jan Anders. Come on, a script supervisor? A costumer? For the love of God, this movie barely has a director.

It's such a bizarre experience to see Millard actually try. I mean, this movie has an actual story, actors that appeared in other movies, it has music and dialogues and you know, things you associate with cinema. The Millard movies I know (and love, in a strange way) are essentially home videos that run out the clock by any means, usually with huge chunks of stock footage from his earlier movies. This on the other hand looks like it took more than a weekend to film. Maybe two weekends. It even goes over 60 minutes, though not by much.

That's not to say that avid Millard fans won't get what they're coming for here. This movie is still awful in a way only he can achieve. The gunfights literally look like what me and my cousins used to act out in grandma's attic. The photography is hideous, but I guess there's not much you can do with such cheap film stock. The editing appears to be done with a hacksaw. Some characters appear to have no chin because of weird framing choices (or possibly a bad transfer). Right in the middle of the 'finale', the movie suddenly cuts to footage of some girl performing a blowjob on a vibrator. This goes on for five agonizingly awkward minutes. The movie's terrible, but it's a masterpiece when compared to some other things Millard has done.

Biggest downer: I was looking forward to seeing the late, great Priscilla Alden in this movie, but she's only in it for about ten seconds. For shame, Nick, for shame.

The term "Independent Film" or "Indie cinema" doesn't mean today, what it meant back when filmmakers literally needed to scrounge and scramble for the funds needed to realize every young filmmaker's ultimate dream; to make an ACTUAL MOVIE. Miramax is NOT a studio that produces indie films, and it never was, even in the very beginning. This is what is so fascinating, and so important about movies like ".357 Magnum." This is a simple movie, a crime drama about assassins going after bad guys, double agents, a lot of shootouts, with the occasional glimpse of sex or nudity thrown in, It's a "buddy movie," the two buddies, one dark and the other blonde, working side by side, guns in hand and taking down the baddies. And it's all done in glorious 1970's style; those wide lapel suits, the bell bottoms. polyester jackets, big cars, bigger moustaches etc..Anyone who is into this genre knows what i am talking about, and can truly appreciate this one. Taking place around the World, however the director, with his severely limited budget, cleverly films around the San Francisco area, utilizing locales to stand in for foreign lands. For instance the scenes taking place in the Orient are filmed around San Francisco's Chinatown, and with it's Asian architecture and many Chinese signs and storefronts, this succeeds fairly well in creating the illusion. Made with little cash but a big passion for movies, ".357 Magnum" is a guaranteed good time for those who enjoy flicks like "The Amazing Mr. No Legs..." specific cinema for a specific audience..the "Midnight movie" crowd...all others should likely pass on this one..