- [talking to a junior high class]
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Now, I don't care if you wear mini-skirts. I don't care if you wear Dungarees. I don't care if you're good at basketball, I don't care if you're fun to be around. But you can rest assured that every one of you, at some point, is going to be raped.
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: [on having sex with co-workers] I think that rules were made to be broken and I think that everybody should have sex with as many people as they possibly can. You only go around once in this life, and as long as everybody takes a shower, I don't know what the big deal is.
- Terry: There's was this guy at the store with this flamethrower, and he like grabbed this lady's baby and he's like, "Oh, I'm gonna kill this baby!" It was so sad, I was like crying...
- Deputy Travis Junior: I actually wanted to be in the FBI for about 20 minutes after I saw that movie with Jodie Foster and that guy who eats people in his basement, but I was really stoned at the time. And to be honest with you, for about 20 minutes, I also thought about making a dress out of people.
- [after dropping off Jackie, a ditzy hooker, in somebody's front yard, telling her it was a halfway house]
- Deputy James Garcia: That's no halfway house. It's halfway between the restaurant I took her to and where I live. That human piece of garbage would make Satan weep. God vomited and there was Jackie.
- Deputy Travis Junior: Who can guess what Circle the Wagons means? That is when you put three bunks, like the circling up of the wagons in a wagon train, an old cowboy movie, and they have the sheets hanging down so you can't see what's going on inside the four bunks and inside the four bunks about two dozen boys just fucked the shit out of this little mormon kid. Now they don't want to break your jaw because they still want your jaw to be able to work, so what it does it takes out your teeth and then they just skull-fucked the shit out of this boy. Uh... we came in and there wasn't really anything left. They ass-fucked him, skull-fucked him, they fucked his back, they've been up his shoulders and titty-fucked him with his shoulder blades. Fucked up shit, man. We came in here and all the convicts you know, all of them where like, "Uh... " you know, "He was fucked to death before we got here." So we couldn't really point the finger at nobody, because it was either all or nothing, and you ain't going to book two dozen people. Uh... so then, you know, that's when we starting bolting the bunks to the wall like that.
- [the cops are in a doctor's office in their underwear]
- Doctor: Uh, none of the tests required you to disrobe. I'm not sure why you're all sitting here in your underwear.
- Deputy S. Jones: Dangle was in his underwear when we all got here.
- Deputy Travis Junior: Yeah, what's the deal, Dangle?
- Lt. Jim Dangle: I don't feel the need to explain myself.
- [Officer Garcia has been shot]
- Deputy James Garcia: Oh, God, call for help.
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Help. Help.
- Deputy James Garcia: Use your goddamn radio.
- Deputy Travis Junior: I think that Craig is a good match for Wiegel. Because, you know he's a killer, and Trudy wants to kill herself.
- Deputy Travis Junior: But she can't ever really do it. She don't succeed.
- Deputy James Garcia: So Craig could be there to give her the extra little push she needs. He'd be the one going "Go ahead and do it." Kind of like a Death Leprechaun...
- Deputy Travis Junior: Dude, that would be a wicked cool name for a band.
- Lt. Jim Dangle: [directing traffic school] This is where we would normally be showing you an educational movie, "Blood On The Highway".
- Deputy Travis Junior: But instead, we've got a treat in store for you.
- Lt. Jim Dangle: [holding up a video tape] Instead, we're going to watch Smokey And The Bandit!
- Deputy Travis Junior: And there will be a test!
- [Jones reads a note in the bag of tacos he and Garcia ordered from a fast food taco joint]
- Deputy S. Jones: Officers, there are two armed men inside.
- Deputy James Garcia: I hope there are two-armed men in there. One-armed men wouldn't be able to serve tacos.
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: As far as joining the FBI is concerned, let me put it this way. I failed a test to get in a book club.
- Deputy Travis Junior: Getting two tickets to an execution is like getting two tickets to NASCAR, except you *know* Jeff Gordon's gonna die.
- Craig Pullin: [after Wiegel finds a human foot in his fridge] Are you one of those drama queens? I can't have you freaking out every time you find a body part. Or we're gonna be in for a long night. I'm gonna go jerk off.
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Officer Smiley reminds me of someone from Mary Poppins... someone who for instance comes riding in on a jalopy and he has whipped ices for all the little children and he says "come along everyone I have whipped ices"
- [Dangle nods in agreement next to her]
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: And then when they get close enough to him he grabs them and rapes the shit out of them.
- [Dangle stops smiling and sits still in shock]
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Then he tosses them in the back seat and off he goes and then
- [In a British accent]
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: 'chip chip cheerio.
- Frat Guy: [Dangle and Clemmy are at a frat party and they've been mistaken for contestants at a costume contest] We got some new contestants, here we go!
- [Points to Dangle]
- Frat Guy: Here's Gay Cop! Give it up for Gay Cop!
- [the crowd cheers and chants "Gay Cop!" while Dangle stays perfectly still]
- Frat Guy: Hold on!
- [Points to Clemmie]
- Frat Guy: Slut Cop, ladies and gentlemen!
- [the crowd cheers and chants "Slut" and Clemmie just nods while the frat guy sends the other contestants away]
- Frat Guy: Here are the contestants for the 500 dollar prize!
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: I'm in, I'm in!
- Lt. Jim Dangle: 500 cash?
- [Clementine wins the 500 dollar prize and Dangle shoots his gun to make everyone run out]
- Lt. Jim Dangle: Party's over! Gay cop says party's over!
- Lt. Jim Dangle: [after his bike is stolen] Oh God, my bike! Oh fuck me! People are fucking assholes!
- [some kids behind him laugh]
- Lt. Jim Dangle: You'd better not be laughing at me! You're all accesories! Every one of you is an accesory!
- Lt. Jim Dangle: I can't imagine any woman having sex with Garcia. I think it would be really angry, the sex.
- Deputy S. Jones: You think so?
- Lt. Jim Dangle: Have you ever heard him in the john? It's like Normandy.
- Lt. Jim Dangle: Okay, the FBI agents want one of us to introduce them at the press conference. Who remembers their names?
- Deputy James Garcia: Ooh, ooh. Deputy James Garcia.
- Terry: I heard a rumor.
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What's that, Ter?
- Terry: Mexican werewolves are coming up from Mexico and selling crack.
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Clemmy's unborn child is hopefully going to be a bastard, because... I'll tell ya, I've seen some of the men that she's spent time with and A: half of them are not... you know, white. And B: the other half are, uh, no more than above a fifth grade education.
- Kevin the Sex Offender: Morning, my name's Kevin Darling, I'm moving in next door, just thought I'd come by and tell you a little bit about myself. I'm, uh, divorced... in between jobs, somewhat of a foodie, convicted sex offender, I, I, I play chess not very well...
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: No, back up to the...
- Kevin the Sex Offender: The other thing?
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: Yeah, that's right.
- Kevin the Sex Offender: I am a foodie, and so I cook a lot.
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't be cute, Kevin.
- Kevin the Sex Offender: I am a convicted sex offender. Whatever that means.
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: What that means, ma'am, is you've got a pervert living in your neighborhood.
- [Wiegel's boyfriend may be a serial killer]
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: It really upsets me to hear what the other deputies say about Craig, but he cares for me. He told me that... he would cut my head off and eat it, if I ever needed him to. That's love, I'm sorry. He didn't need to say the L-word.
- Deputy S. Jones: Who's you guys best friend in the whole world?
- Deputy James Garcia: Santa Claus?
- Deputy Travis Junior: That's what I was gonna say, Santa Claus.
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Now that I have been fired off the Reno Sheriff's Department, I'm kind of excited. I'm gonna finish my album. I'm probably gonna attend some symposiums. I've always wanted to have some extra spare time to go shopping for antiquities and so forth. So I'm actually really looking forward to it. And if I do end up getting sent to jail, then, um... I'll probably just, y'know, kill myself or something. But, you know, so far, so good.
- [smiles]
- Deputy James Garcia: There are various telemarketing jobs that I know that I have done before that I can fall back on. And I'm looking into getting... maybe coaching little league
- Lt. Jim Dangle: ...Probably go back to maitre d'ing, maybe?
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What if I said, "Which nigger took the last donut?"
- Lt. Jim Dangle: That is wildly inappropriate.
- Lt. Jim Dangle: We have two passes to be witnesses at an execution. I know we all want these, so we're gonna do this the way we generally handle these things and we're gonna have a scavenger hunt.
- Deputy Williams: [Williams is telling the DA who has been using the n word] Dangle, Junior, Wiegel... even Garcia. And you know who surprised me the most? Dangle! I mean, he a fag! And he calling everybody a nigger!
- [pointing to members of the force]
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: "F" you, "F" you,
- [Points to Lt. Dangle]
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: And fuck you.
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: [discussing Dangle's promotion] There are women who prance around in these flitty, flirty little skirts and show their legs, and they get promoted day two. Poor Jim has been here a long time in those plum smugglers and he's about due.
- Deputy Travis Junior: If you were on the moon, and you could fuck Wiegel and then leave her on the moon, you wouldn't fuck Wiegel?
- Deputy James Garcia: Hell no... hell no!
- Deputy Travis Junior: What the hell kinda woman do you want then? She's got all the right parts, just the-the... the wiring's screwy, ya know. It's like the flippers work and the bumpers work, it's just the wiring's screwy and the score's all wrong.
- Lt. Jim Dangle: [performing an anti-crystal meth song for a class of kids] You can monkey with a gibbon, You can fiddle with a bow / But before you snort that crystal meth, there's some things that you should know / Meth is made from antihistamines, in basement labs it's cooked / And possession is a felony, which means that you'll get booked / With a snort it zips right up your nose, and eats away your brain / It kills your sense of good and evil, and it makes you go insane / Here we go... / So don't meth with meth, Beth / Don't meth with meth, Seth / Don't meth with meth... Gwyneth / Don't meth with crystal meth!
- [pause]
- Lt. Jim Dangle: Any questions? We do have about 45 minutes left... any requests? I know some Rush... a little bit of Floyd.
- Deputy S. Jones: [to a group of hookers] Hello ladies.
- Deputy James Garcia: Can we help you tonight?
- [Sees Dangle dressed in drag with the hookers]
- Deputy James Garcia: Dangle?
- Lt. Jim Dangle: Fellas... Garcia. Hey. I'm, uh, I'm working vice tonight.
- Deputy James Garcia: Do you need backup?
- Lt. Jim Dangle: No, no I'm deep cover. I'm getting a lot of leads.
- Deputy James Garcia: Well, we could back you up.
- Lt. Jim Dangle: No, no, no, I'm deep cover. I'm getting hot leads.
- [Walks back to the hookers]
- Deputy James Garcia: Um... doesn't he have Friday off?
- Deputy S. Jones: He's working vice.
- Deputy James Garcia: Yeah, but he's got Friday off.
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: [after a suspect drives off with a police car] We are screwed! We are screwed!
- Deputy Williams: We gonna say he tried to rape us. We gonna lie, we gonna say he tried to rape us. He attacked us.
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: He took it out.
- Deputy Williams: He tried to...
- [looks at the camera]
- Deputy Williams: Give us the tape.
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: Hand over the tape.
- [the cameraman runs away]
- Deputy Williams: Give us that tape!
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: I will cut you!
- Lt. Jim Dangle: [talking to Dr. Barnes] Di-did your test... can it show if an adult woman is retarded?
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What are you doin out here today, Terry?
- Terry: What?
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: What are you doin out here today?
- Terry: Just out... watching over stuff.
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Mmk. Looks like maybe you're doin a little uhh prostitution out here today, Terry, is that possible?
- Terry: No, no I'm not. I'm sooo not.
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: Terry, are you on anything today?
- Terry: I'm not. I quit. I don't even... I don't even drink.
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: You seem a little jittery right now, Terry. Are you trying to tell me you're not on any substances?
- Terry: I had skittles.
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: You're jittery from skittles?
- Terry: Yes.
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: [looking at Terry's eyes] Interesting. You're eyes are real dialated and they seem sort of joggin around a little bit.
- Terry: Well have you ever had skittles? It's all sugar.
- Deputy Travis Junior: If Reverend LeCarp was busted ten years ago, you musta been working here.
- Deputy James Garcia: That's correct. I was on patrol with Lieutenant Dangle at the time. He was high on PCP. He made a move for both of us, and he bought himself some stick time.
- Deputy Travis Junior: What do you mean?
- Deputy James Garcia: Regular police procedure had failed, so I found it necessary to get out my stick and send him a message from my lord.
- Deputy Travis Junior: And where did you deliver this message to on his person?
- Deputy James Garcia: That would be in the head area.
- Lt. Jim Dangle: Terry, when was the last time you used the fax machine? And, supplemental question, did you fax a picture of your wiener to the state's attorney's office?
- Deputy Trudy Wiegel: [talking about her own empty grave plot] This here, actually, is my plot... obviously, there's nobody in it yet, but God willing, there will be.
- Terry: [At an empty baseball field] Hit it! Dammit, now we're losing.
- Deputy S. Jones: You know who else is losing?
- Terry: [pauses] Iraq
- [talking to a Klan member]
- Deputy S. Jones: Ok, let me tell you... D.T.A.M.S: Don't take another motherfucking step.
- Deputy James Garcia: Last night was just a jumpstart, I got feelings, and I wanna do this right.
- Deputy Clementine Johnson: Well, we can do it right later. Let's just do it wrong.
- Lt. Jim Dangle: [Die hard Kenny Rogers fans Garcia and Wiegel are assigned to protect Rogers] If I gave a shit about Kenny Rogers, I would take those two off this assignment.