F.A.R.T. The Movie

A person thought this is a good idea to make, another person thought this was a good idea to star in, a third person thought this was a good idea to own in his or her store, a fourth person thought this would be a nice thing to watch so they bought it. They watched it. And now they're thinking about their life choices. Don't buy it. Don't watch it. Don't do anything related to it.

I've you're picking up a flick called "F.A.R.T. The Movie" and are expecting anything other than cinema in its lowest form, then I don't know what to tell you. Personally, I like fart jokes and, if used sparingly and at the appropriate moment, a good fart gag can add the right amount of lowbrow humor to just about any kind of movie. Farts are innately funny. That said, there isn't a single laugh in this mess and I'm only giving this one two stars because they actually took the trouble to make a movie entirely dedicated to farting and, thus, filling some sort of void in the universe. Really corny stuff and the video and audio quality are garbage--especially the audio, as the mics weren't grounded properly in several scenes. Seriously, if it's a scene where there is no background noise, does it kill you to dub it with clean audio later? Lame.

Breath-taking. What can be said about the world's most perfect movie? The cinematography was stunning, the acting was surreal and the script seemed to flow naturally like the mighty Mississippi. One is reminded of the time that Moses was handed the Ten Commandments from God himself; we have been handed FART: The Movie from a being higher than us all. The plot isn't hard to follow, making it easier to enjoy all of the delightful poots and farts that our antagonist, Russell, expels throughout the film. Russell loves his farts as if each one was his own child, one different from the next. His wife, Heather, endures all of Russell's little "problem" even though it affects their social and personal lives. The farts are so realistic that on several occasions I looked around to see if someone else in the viewing cube in suspicion that they broke wind. This movie is great, and will now replace Cannonball Run II as my favorite movie of all-time.

So I, personally love to fart. I love to hear and smell farts. I love being farted on. I love farting on other girls. I even like guy farts. This movie doesn't reallly have much fart action in it, and the farts are not even real. Sound and picture quality are on a very low level, but I don't find that too important. Fart quality however IS important, and this movie stinks in that regard :(

This is the type of movie you come across and can't believe it didn't get critical acclaim. As a closet farter, I believe that we need to get this film into the mainstream so we do not continue to shame those of us who greatly enjoy a good ol' one cheek squeak. I was thoroughly engaged from beginning to end, farting along with our protagonist as he was on his hero's journey.

The only reason I give this 9 stars instead of 10 is because a sequel was never made. There is such an opportunity for S. H. A. R. T. "Now things are getting dirty" to be made. Hopefully a director of great importance can pursue this picture in time.