- Justin Bond: As my dear departed friend Lotus Weinstock used to say: "I used to wanna change the world. Now I just wanna leave the room with a little dignity."
- Justin Bond: [to Sofia] These bitches sucking cock and eating ass... then they show up at the buffet and say they're vegan.
- Justin Bond: [looking at the clients of the Shortbus, having group sex] It's just like the 60's. Only with less hope.
- Man: Justin, someone just came on your cat.
- Justin Bond: [Ceth laughs] It's not funny. Why can't they leave my pussy alone?
- Severin: [to Sofia] Look I know I can help you have an orgasm, and maybe you can help me like have a real human interaction with someone, you know.
- [Jamie jumps on Shabbos]
- Jamie: Ah! You got a boner!
- Shabbos Goy: That's my cell phone, you fuckin' albino butch faggot!
- Jesse, the John: If you could have any super power what would it be?
- Severin: The power to make you interesting.
- Justin Bond: [to Sofia] It's a salon for the gifted and challenged. That's Alice. She's got a cunt like a wizard's sleeve.
- Tobias, the Mayor: But you know what's the most wonderful thing about New York? It's where everyone comes to get fucked. It's one of the last places where people are still willing to bend over to let in the new. And the old. New Yorkers are, uh, permeable. You know what I mean?
- Ceth: Yeah.
- Tobias, the Mayor: You sure?
- Ceth: Yeah.
- Tobias, the Mayor: Therefore, we're sane. Consequently, we're the target of the impermeable. And the insane. And of course, New York is where everyone comes to be forgiven. What've you done wrong? Tell me. How have you sinned? I'm sure it's nothing serious.
- Ceth: How would you know?
- Tobias, the Mayor: Well, I'm... I'm sure you did your best. But imagine if you grew up here, like I did. Home can be very unforgiving. It's true. People said I didn't do enough to help prevent the AIDS crisis, because I was in the closet. That's not true. I did the best I could. I was... I was scared. And impermeable. Everybody knew so little then. I know even less now.
- [Ceth kisses him]
- Jamie: I just have to switch the film, we're going to watch a three-hour Gertrude Stein documentary.
- Justin Bond: Sounds like a real weenie-shrinker. Come on, let's go get laid.
- Justin Bond: [looking at the orgy] Oh my God, for a minute there I thought that man didn't have an arm.
- Justin Bond: This place has really taken off in the last few years since all these young people started flocking to the city.
- Sofia: Well, why would they come to New York? It's so expensive to live here.
- Justin Bond: 9/11. It's the only thing real that's ever happened to them.
- Caleb, the Stalker: Jamie loves you. You have so much.
- James: I see it... all around me... but it stops at my skin. I can't let it inside. It's always been like that. It's always gonna be like that.
- [first lines]
- Jesse, the John: Are you a top or a bottom?
- Severin: I beg your pardon?
- Jesse, the John: I mean in real life.
- Severin: This is real life.
- Jesse, the John: Let me put it this way: do you think we should get out of Iraq?
- Jesse, the John: You're taking a picture of yourself at Ground Zero: do you smile?
- Severin: Get on the fucking bed!
- Severin: [to Sofia] Alright, you gotta pull the bus over, alright? You - you're not riding safely. Park.
- Justin Bond: But tonight we're having a fiIm festivaI. They're boring as heII, but I find the more boring they are... the more inteIIigent peopIe think they are for watching them.