Mad About Alice

...well this sitcom is something that very much resembles brown stuff. I've never had to witness anything quite as terrible and unfunny as this. I've seen car crashes that look less painful and more funny than this. Amanda Holden and Jamie whats-his-name aren't exactly the worlds greatest comic talents. And the other actors involved aren't very good either. I'm even writing this review whilst watching it and its not getting any better.

If you ever get a really aching tooth and need to pull it out, watch this at the same time, that way you won't feel any pain.

If not, don't watch this at all.

Not so long ago, the BBC were churning out Quality Sitcoms such as The Vicar of Dibley, One Foot in the Grave and even My Family. But now, they have been filling the 8:30 on Friday slot with increasingly dire Sitcoms. Now we have this garbage. The subject Matter ruins it from the get go. A Woman (Amanda Holden), separated from her Ex (Theakston), gets together with him for the sake of their kid. Where does it go from here? All we are supposed to want them to do is eventually get together. And then What? Its gone down a dead end. Its simply a rehash of the Ross/Rachel thing from Friends, and fleshed out into a Full show. Holden is Good Looking, but isn't a very good actress. Even the adverts began with Amanda Holden in...That's always a bad start with a new show. The programme is what makes it great, not the actors. Theakston is terrible, The kids are ridiculously annoying and There are the same terrible cliched jokes we've heard hundreds of times before on superior shows. Is there a studio audience? Or did they record the Hysteria Ward of a hospital? The direction is poor, too and its oh so sad to see John Gordon Sinclair strutting his stuff alongside lesser Thespians, and on a very poor stage. I doubt this rubbish will be recommisioned.

Alice and Doug have gone their separate ways, but one think still links them, their son Joe. Both Alice and Doug have met new people, but moving on proves difficult as there's still a little spark left.

It sounds lovely on paper, a sweet family comedy about two people separated, but still with a bit of feeling there. Amanda Holden is gorgeous, and a recent performance in Marple shows she's to be taken seriously. The same applied to Theakston, tall, dark and handsome, and a decent performance in the Agatha Christie series.

However....this comedy, it pains me to even use the word in this review. Let me put it like this, you've been invited on a holiday with friends, the weather is supposed to be good, you're all excited and there are a host of activities, sadly all is not as it seems, you've argued, one friend has food poisoning, one's lost their voice and is on tablets and the others have argued, the weather has gone downhill and the electricity has gone off, that feeling what this show does to you.

First off, the excruciating song, Theakston, you have a lovely face, but a horrendous voice, Amanda, the same goes for you. The jokes are diabolical, the timing is non existent, and some of the cast cannot act. All except young Sancha, the one ray of sunshine in the whole thing.

Millions watched it, you can imagine their disappointment, mercifully it was axed before it could cause any more torment. That torment would return in 5 years, when Holden would start in Top Hat, another nail in the BBC coffin of calamitous comedy.

2/10.

STAR RATING:*****Unmissable****Very Good***Okay**You Could Go Out For A Meal Instead*Avoid At All Costs

It would seem that Friday night comedy on the BBC is in a pretty dire state at the moment,after both series of the dreadful All About Me,the execrable Eyes Down and now this misfiring effort.

The premise follows the exploits of the titular Alice (Amanda Holden) following her separation from husband Doug (Jamie Theakston) as they struggle to attempt to reconcile and bring up their young son.

If AAM's opening song is rather schmaltzy and annoying,then Mad About Alice has an opening theme song that multiples those problems tenfold.The two leading stars (John Cleese and Prunella Scales they ain't) apparently seem to be churning out a chringe-worthy,just plain awful melody to even tackier caricatures of themselves prancing around in half real-life/caricatures of themselves,which will make you herald back to the days when Chuck Norris thought he could croon along to the tune of his Walker:Texas Ranger show's opening theme.

As for the script (which so many other people seem to have been complaining about),I'll be as fair to it as I can and say that it does at least attempt to sound impressive,with lines like ("Mom,I've got a lot on my plate right now." "Jake,you're ten.The only thing you've got on your plate is fish fingers") here and there.The trouble is,it's a comedy series.....and it just isn't funny.None of it.Not even faintly.In fact,the more it tries and tries to be mind-blowingly hilarious,the more it just seems to end up sucking more co*k than both Elton John and Will Young combined.

The final series aired tonight,with (possible spoiler) Alice finalising her divorce and celebrating the engagement of one of her friends.Somehow,I don't think we'll be following her adventures any further than that.

Oh well,that's another season of Only Fools and Horses repeats on the way then.*

Oh Lord please help me! Since having watched this programme I haven't stopped laughing.

Quite heavily trailed on the BBC prior to broadcast. Prime-time position in the Friday night schedule, sandwiched between 'EastEnders', the BBC's top-rated prime soap opera, and a re-run of 'Only Fools and Horses', one of the BBC's most highly rated and watched comedies of all time.

Good Casting. Fantastic performances. Well-structured and clever jokes. Pinpoint comic timing. All of these were sadly lacking. Jamie Theakston- former TV presenter, bondage practitioner and prostitute frequenter (according to the tabloid press) stars along-side former bed-hopping trollop (according to the tabloid press, not me, I've met her and she seemed quite nice) Amanda Holden. The two exhibit all the chemistry of an empty test-tube in a vacuum at absolute zero! If you want to see something far more entertaining and funny starring these two, may I suggest.... err.... The Tabloid Press! The gags were weak and laboured (and when I say 'gags', I believe that was the intention but sadly not the reality!), and poor timing (That's just 'poor timing' and not 'poor comic timing', as there is nothing comic about this programme. The poor timing I refer to is that this programme would better have been broadcast during a period of major transmitter maintenance or a power blackout and not at peak time on a Friday evening.)

Top Tip for whoever commissioned this programme - when commissioning a 'comedy' it is always a good idea to ensure that the said 'comedy' is funny. In the event that the said 'comedy' is not funny, it is by definition not a 'comedy' - q.v. 'Mad About Alice'.

So why have I not stopped laughing since I watched this programme. Quite simple really. I never started!

As an alternative to this programme, you may like to take a trip to your local DIY store, purchase a large tin of emulsion, apply liberally to a surface within your domicile residence, focus upon said surface until such time that the liberally applied emulsion coating is no longer in a liquid state.

Absolutely no stars. 0/10. 0%. And for the benefit of our European viewers, nul points!