The House That Screamed

started with the sequel to this (Hellgate). I've been hooked on Polonia ever since (what is wrong with me?) Come on guys, these Polonia Brothers make these films on like, $10,000, maybe $20,000. What do you expect? A monster that doesn't look like a sock puppet? I actually liked the idea of this movie. The House that swallows up souls, and the sacrifice that has to be made to free them...it's not bad at all. Just plot alone, is it any worst than some of the big named actor Hollywood garbage that comes out? If you can laugh at the very cheap effects, and look deeper to the plot, it's actually worth watching. (I need help, I know).

This has got to be one of the stupidest movies I've ever seen, right up with Troll 2. Still, it's fun to watch with some friends. Some notable elements of stupidity include:

-utterly pointless nudity (what was the point of the shower scene or the woman in red underwear?)

-the goofy flashbacks Marty has. Notice how his wife burnt down the house (which had no walls inside evidently) with a burnt out cigarette, and that his son died in the fire without any burns or even getting dirty

-the Grim Reaper playing with the doorbell

-the "ghostly circle" not extending to cover a the actor's arm

-drowning the plastic doll to kill the ghost inside

-Marty's "famous" novels: Feeders 1-3. The same guys who did this made Feeders 1&2, and they were really awful.

-the ridiculously low-budget makeup. The blind guy looked like he had fruit roll-ups over his eyes, and the blood hitting the window looked suspiciously like a tomato being thrown too late after the gunshot

I could go on & on on how stupid this movie is. Only see this to make fun of it.

Judging by the quality and content of The House That Screamed, I would have guessed that the film was made by a guy in his early twenties—someone with limited movie-making experience and even more limited resources. Turns out that the directors (yes, it took two people to make this 'masterpiece'), John and Mark Polonia, were 32 when they made this and that they had been involved in the film industry for quite some time. Some people should know when to call it a day.

Shot on video, written on a napkin (probably), and edited on drugs (seemingly), this crappy z-grade home-made horror sees the Polonia brothers undecided as to precisely what approach they want to take: serious art-house horror or exploitative trash. Having failed to come to a decision, they do both, while chucking in any other extraneous ideas that pop into their heads while filming. Thus, we get a film that is part incomprehensible audio-visual experiment and part cheap 'n' cheerful cheese-fest in the vein of Evil Dead II.

Really unconvincing gore, dream sequences shot in negative image (a flick of a switch on the camera and, hey presto, cheap and nasty video effects!); irritating rapid editing of random imagery; awful sound (most notably, an overuse of lightning sound effects even when the weather is fine): in terms of technical proficency, The House That Screamed is a disaster.

Fat ghost girl sex; a deadly plastic doll; the Grim Reaper playing Knock Down Ginger: in terms of actual content, The House That Screamed is pitiful.

Very occasionally, the Polonias manage an effectively creepy shot, such as when writer Marty Beck (Bob Dennis) stands on his porch unaware that a ghostly figure is watching him from the window (reminded me a bit of Insidious here), but any genuine scares or creepy atmosphere seems to be down to luck more than judgement.

This is hardly the worst movie ever made or anything like it. It's low budget is painfully obvious and okay, the guy playing the lead couldn't act worth crap. But with a little patience (and a little imagination and an open mind, two things that seem to be in very short supply of late) you can appreciate that this movie had some very creepy moments and some interesting visuals. And to those who feel the need to invoke MST3K (certainly the most pernicious influence on film criticism to ever some along) every time they run into a movie that doesn't instantly remind them of the latest Hollywood blockbuster, I can only say enjoy your smug self satisfaction while you can, because someday (if you're lucky) you'll outgrow it.

A ghastly stupid and dull haunted house story. Oh, you Polonia brothers when will you ever EVER learn, you silly boys. If you love something, no matter how much if you're just not good at it, then let the dream die. When I was growing up for a brief time I wanted to be a basketball player, I had three things going against me. I was white, short, and no hand eye cooridination, so I let that dream, albeit fleeting as it was, pass on. OK, not the greatest example, but my point is this, you boys can't make turd after steaming turd and still remain serious in you commitment to film. You may be the LAST people to get the joke, but you will. And on that glorious day, you'll both take up a trade that you're good at. Plumbing perhaps...maybe singing telegrams.

My Grade: F