- Nino Paventi: How'd you get in here? The door was locked, the alarm system was on...
- Lina Paventi: Nino, I'm Sicilian.
- Gino Barberini: Nobody told us there was two Americas: the real one, United Statea, and the fake one, Canada. Then, to make matters even worse, there's two Canadas: the real one, Ontario, and the fake one, Quebec.
- Angelo: Being gay and Italian is a fate worse than... actually there is no fate worse than being gay and Italian.
- Angelo Barberini: Before I go, there is one last thing I want to do.
- [Pulls an handful of Pina's hair]
- Angelo Barberini: God help us, it's real!
- Pina: Me, I can convert anybody. Give me an hour in the Gay Village and there's not gonna be a Gay Village no more! Hai capito?
- Alicia: I'm Alicia, and um... I wanna join Gay Helpline because... if I could prevent just *one* gay teen from putting a bullet through his head and make him stand up and shout "I'm gay... *gay*! And if you don't like it, you can all go
- [shouting]
- Alicia: fuck yourselves, you twisted motherfuckers!"
- [low voice]
- Alicia: then I'll be happy.
- Gino Barberini: What can I get for you?
- Lina Paventi: My husband has been dead for 18 years. What I need you can't offer, 'cause you're married.
- Gino Barberini: We make special arrangement. What do you say, Maria, we help out a friend?
- Maria Barberini: [looks at him reproachfully, then turns to Lina] You're better off with your memories.
- Anna: [after finding out about Angelo and Nino] I'm thrilled you two are a couple, yay. I reacted the way I did cause I saw my brother naked. You know, eew.
- Gino Barberini: [Angelo is taking his parents to his new apartment that's in an old building] What's so charming about being old? We're old.
- Maria Barberini: We're not charming.
- Angelo Barberini: [explaining his history] After many unsuccessful attempts, they gave up on having a family. Then, after what my mother calls...
- Maria Barberini: [cut to Maria ironing] What your father did to me while I was sleeping.
- Angelo Barberini: Along came my sister Angela.
- Angelo: Cry, Ma. Cry. Because I'm like Pa, I want to inflict my pain on all of you. It's stronger than my guilt right now. So cry. Cry over your ingrate son, over your dead sister... or your stupid, worthless life.
- Anna: Angelo, that's enough!
- [slaps him in the face]
- Angelo: And there we have it. The slap. The end to the quintessential Italian melodrama.
- Father Carmignani: If anyone here sees any just cause why these two should not be married... speak now or forever hold your peace.
- Gino Barberini: [aside] Where do I start?
- Angelo Barberini: Dear Nino, this is the only way I can think of that I might be able to reach you. So I ask you: Please read this through before closing your mind, before shutting me out forever. Keeping my love for you a secret from the world seemed like a betrayal of that love. Now I know that I don't need anyone else to know about us. We are in love and even if a closet must protect our love it will never contain. I would do anything to make things right again. There is no one if there isn't you, Nino. When you left, everything stopped making sense. I love you, Nino, and I can't bear to be without you. Your Angelo.
- Angelo Barberini: [a customer is in New Glasgow, Canada instead of Glasgow, Scotland] New Glasgow has waterslides. Those are fun.
- Lina Paventi: Oh, Nino... look at this beautiful face! Nice, eh? Now, think of his big, fat mother - because that's the face you're going to end up with!
- Angelo Barberini: [after asking if he should tell their parents he's gay and she tries to talk him out of it] So you think this will kill them?
- Anna: Yeah, it will kill them.
- Anna: [suddenly realizes what she's saying] Tell them!
- Lina Paventi: What you are saying is that my Nino is banging your Angelo?
- Gino Barberini: No. I'm saying it's the other way around!
- Angelo Barberini: Look, my folks, they took it relatively well.
- Nino Paventi: Sure.
- Angelo Barberini: Yeah. Just don't eat anything my mother offers you.
- Nino Paventi: They threatened to kill me?
- Angelo Barberini: No, but they are Italian.
- Nino Paventi: You're the classic self-hating Italian.
- Angelo Barberini: No, I'm not!
- Nino Paventi: Italians have contributed greatly. We gave the world Michaelangelo, Fellini, the pizza.
- Angelo Barberini: The Mafia, Mussolini, garlic breath.
- Angelo Barberini: Self-hating Italian.