The Ranch

...this film is not nearly as provocative as the cover would lead you to believe. The brief sex scenes are few and far between, and, apart from the bare breasts of many of its leading ladies (which earns this movie its four points), the skin shown is no more than would be found in a mainstream film. The sex itself is shown only in a comical manner, which is not only a letdown to men who watch it to be titillated, but to women who watch it to be emotionally moved. The strong female bonding aspect of the movie could just as easily have been portrayed without trying to gain access to the male demographic who would only spend their hard-earned 75 cents renting it because they thought it was some decent soft-core action.

Did you hear about the prostitute who went to confessions and recognized the priest's stuttering voice through the confessional screen as belonging to one of her customers? Probably not because I just made it up. The point is, "The Ranch" is far less creative than that as it takes you into a Nevada ranch-style brothel and a jambalaya of cliches and stereotypes. You'll see all manner of prostitute issues from health issues to security issues to social stigma issues to family issues...yadayadayada. You'll see ample T, some A, and some softcore stuff with plenty of frank sex talk in this dramady which plays out like part bad sitcom and part bad soap opera. What you won't see is originality, creativity, or the real deal. Yuck! (C)

I watched this because Susan Seidelman directed it. I guess she needs the work. I guess Amy Madigan (a respected actress and deservedly so) does too.

In the first case, it's not really a story. There's no cohesive story line with a beginning, middle, and end. It's more of a slice-of-life. Boy, is it silly and predictable. It portrays the lives of some prostitutes at a Nevada brothel. It has the requisite violence-against-a-prostitute scene. Can't one of these films NOT have that? Is there anything good about this movie? Well, Samantha Ferris, the actress who plays Taylor, has a smoldering sexuality and great appeal and Jessica Collins, the actress who plays Kim, is exceptionally lovely. Oh, Paige Moss, the chick who played Veruca on Buffy the Vampire Slayer plays a really mean prostitute named Rickie Lee -- always good to see a Buffy alum. However, this movie goes nowhere and resolves nothing. The songs are very good (especially the Erin Mckeown song) and all the actresses seem to have real breasts! Yes -- shocking -- I know -- but they all have real breasts! No silicone in sight -- astounding. It really made me think about how infrequently we see real breasts in plastic-surgery-crazed Hollywood productions anymore.

The Ranch had some entertaining moments, but overall, it felt pretty average. The story offered a mix of comedy and drama set in a rural backdrop, which made for a unique setting, but it didn't fully deliver on its potential.

One of the strengths was the cast; they did a decent job with the material, especially in portraying the ups and downs of family relationships. There were some genuinely funny lines, and a few heartfelt moments, but they were often bogged down by clichés and predictable plot twists that kept the story from feeling fresh.

While the rural setting added a nice touch, the humor and storylines sometimes felt repetitive, and the pacing was inconsistent. The show could be enjoyable if you're just looking for something light and familiar, but it didn't quite stand out enough to leave a lasting impression. If you're okay with a predictable ride, The Ranch might be worth a watch - but don't expect too much.

Well, not really speechless, because I have a lot to say about this movie!

Before I went to rent this DVD, I had read reviews and descriptions about the movie on several sites. It's about the women who work at a brothel in Nevada, and phrases like "sexually explicit" and "T&A" were coming up more than once. Brothel? T&A? You pretty much know what to expect with this movie, right? So I go to the video store and read the cover, and the description is about what I had seen on the net; it even says "Rated R: Sexual content, Including dialogue". I think to myself, "This was made for Showtime, I wonder why it's even rated?", but I'm not really concerned, because I've seen several PG-13 movies that have a fair amount of T&A, so an R rated version of a movie made for pay-cable should still be more or less intact. Right?

Then I get it home and watch it, and I end up looking around the room for the hidden camera, because I know I must be being "Punk'd". Why? First, there is the "Sexual Content"; There is no nudity in this movie. None. Zero. No brief flashes, no side views, nada. And what about the "dialogue"? The F-word is clumsily (and obviously, just look at their mouths!) dubbed with words like "frick" and "heck", a**hole is replaced with "arrogant" and "blowhard", b!tch replaced with "witch", the phrase "BJ" is inserted where the actors mouths are clearly saying the two words that "BJ" stands for, etc., etc. I've done a bit more searching on the net, and have found out that there are both "Unrated" and "R-Rated" versions of the DVD. That's fine, many movies have an unrated release that adds a couple extra scenes or goes a little farther than the rated version did. But this "R" version could have aired on network TV! It certainly isn't family viewing, but it's nowhere near "R".

If you want to watch this flick for the plot alone, you'll probably be disappointed there, too. This was the pilot for a series that never materialized, so all the story lines are left hanging in the air; the movie just sort-of ends with no closure to anything. But if you want to watch this for, ahem, reasons other than plot, be sure to find the unrated version! That has to be the version other reviewers were talking about.