- Sinderella: You can't!
- Buttons: [to audience] What did she call me, children?
- Sinderella: [more slowly] No! No, Buttons - you *can't*!
- Buttons: [to audience] She's called me an even bigger one now!
- Prince Charming: I'm not getting any younger. Don't let these looks fool you. Next birthday, I'll be 27.
- [audience jeers]
- Prince Charming: It's only a panto! So I took off two years!
- PC Lifelike: When do you overtake on the left?
- Baron Hardon: [shouting] WHEN THE BASTARD IN FRONT WON'T MOVE OVER!
- Ugly Sister, Ugly Sister: [to audience] Cinderella will not go to the ball!
- Audience members: Oh, yes she will!
- Ugly Sister, Ugly Sister: Oh, no she fucking won't!
- Sinderella: Oh, Buttons! I did so want to go to the ball!
- Buttons: Bastards! When I see them, do you know what I'm gonna do?
- [Camilla and Madonna approach Buttons with machine guns]
- Buttons: Shit myself!
- [Camilla motions to Madonna to walk away; they do so]
- Ugly Sister: [flipping the V-sign before walking off] Bollocks!
- PC Lifelike: How do you overcome drowsiness while driving on the motorway?
- Baron Hardon: You finger... You finger the hitch-hiker!
- [after a very awkward pause]
- Buttons: He didn't read any of his bloody script! You *fondle* the hitch-hiker! *Fondle*!
- Baron Hardon: [doing hand actions] You fondle, I fucking finger!
- [Everyone else laughs; Baron Hardon then licks his finger]
- Buttons, Fairy Godmother, PC Lifelike: [in disgust] OH!
- Sinderella: [under audience laughter, continuing for the next few lines] Oh, Buttons! I did so want to go to the ball!
- Buttons: [to audience] All together...
- Buttons, Audience: [in unison] BASTARDS!
- Buttons: Do you know when I see them, do you know what I'm gonna do?
- [Camilla runs on stage and moons the audience with the words FUCK OFF written on her backside, then runs off stage again as Madonna pops her head outside the proscenium arch and Buttons laughs uncontrollably]
- Madonna: [flipping the V-sign] Bollocks!
- [as the band starts playing "Up Where We Belong"]
- Buttons: [to audience] This is a nice song; this is called "Up Where We Belong". From a Tampax advert. With no strings attached!
- Camilla: Haven't you heard, Sinderella? Prince Charles is giving a...
- Madonna: [correcting Camilla] "Charming".
- Camilla: Prince Charming...
- [Audience laughs and heckles]
- Camilla: [to an audience member] All right, you prick, I made a mistake! Don't get clever!
- [Audience laughs again]
- Camilla: Prince Charming is giving a party.
- Sinderella: Really?
- Camilla: Yes. And Prince Charles might be there.
- [Camilla gives a backwards V-sign to the audience]
- Camilla: And we're going. But you're not.
- [Audience expresses sympathy for Sinderella]
- Madonna: [to audience] Oh, for Christ's sake, act your age! Just listen to you!
- [Baron Hardon tries to put the glass slipper on Madonna's foot, but it barely rests on her toes]
- Madonna: It fits! It fits!
- Baron Hardon: What are you talking about?
- Madonna: My foot fits into the crystal slipper!
- Baron Hardon: That foot wouldn't fit into the Crystal Fucking Palace!