Curse of the Forty-Niner

CURSE OF THE FORTY-NINER opens with the unholy resurrection of the title character (Vernon Wells), who immediately begins his murderous rampage. Wells is cranky because a group of young prospectors have arrived in his town to dig for gold.

Deaths by pickax, hook, and machete await.

As a throwback film celebrating the slashers of the 1970'-80's, all of the necessary elements are in place: A homicidal madman with a story and a grudge. A gaggle of youthful, randy, mostly brainless victims. A series of brutal murders, usually committed in "interesting" ways. Pretty much by-the-numbers, but fun in spots.

Co-stars horror luminaries, Karen Black and Richard Lynch...

The monster will look very familiar to you. So will the rest of the film, if you've seen a half-dozen of these teenagers-trapped-in-the-woods movies. Okay, so they're not teenagers, this time, but they may as well be. Three couples decide it might be a good idea to check out a nearly-abandoned ghost town, in hopes of finding the gold that people were killed over a scant century-and-a-half before. You'd think that with a title like "Miner's Massacre" some interesting things might happen. They don't. In fact, only about 1/10 of the film actually takes place in the mine. I had envisioned teams of terrified miners scampering for their lives in the cavernous confines of their workplace, praying that Black Lung Disease would get them before The Grim Reaper exacted his grisly revenge, but instead I got terrestrial twenty-somethings fornicating--and, in one case, defecating--in the woods, a gang of morons with a collective I.Q. that would have difficulty pulling a plastic ring out of a box of Cracker Jacks, much less a buried treasure from an abandoned mine. No suspense, no scares, and plenty of embarrassing performances give this turkey a 3 for nudity.

First of all, this movie isn't meant to be taken seriously and doesn't even take itself all that seriously. In some movies this works brilliantly, but in this it just kind of gets tired. It's not completely unentertaining, but it's nothing you haven't seen before. They fit so many horror movie cliches into the first several minutes of the movie that I thought it was going to be a better horror-comedy than it was, but I found myself groaning more than laughing.

"Prospector slasher movie" is about all you need for a synopsis, honestly. Nothing in this will surprise you.

It was fun to see some B-movie icon appearances like Richard Lynch, Karen Black, and Martin Kove, but their on-screen time is very limited. They easily were the most fun to watch. Fun fact: The prospector slasher is played byVernon Wells, who played Bennett in Commando. Yeah, the "Let off some steam, Bennett" guy. Haha.

The production is good, the main cast is attractive, the cameos are great, and the kill scenes are pretty decent, but in the end, it feels like a movie you've seen a hundred times already.

My copy goes by the name of Miner's Massacre.

I can't read the credits. Is that a bad sign? What else can they screw up?

Three couples who, quite frankly, seem to hate each other, go on a camping trip in search of some lost gold. What they don't know about is the curse of the Forty-Niner, Jeremiah Stone. If someone steals his gold, his ghost comes back to kill them. Wait. "I Want Me Gold!" This is cribbed straight from the pages of Leprechaun. Anyway, they steal the gold, get hunted, and find out from a hysterical, overwrought Aunt Nelly (Karen Black) that they need to return it to stop the curse. A few things amused me. Jeremiah bites off his own finger for no reason. A fender bender turns into a massive two car explosion. And Aunt Nelly has apparently never heard of stop, drop, and roll.

My mate and I chose to watch this obvious piece of junk purely based on its tagline… After nearly 30 years of lousy and rudimentary teen slashers, I can't believe that only just now some nerdy horror brainiac come up with the brilliantly witty slogan "They Axed for it"! Other than that, "Miner's Massacre" is just as random, annoying and forgettable as all the rest out there…. Perhaps even more! The script contains all the typical clichés and features all the dreadfully stereotypic characters you wish a horrible and painful death to. The gore effects are computer engineered and thus beyond pitiable and the obligatory "big" stars (Karen Black, John Philip Law and Richard Lynch) are entirely wasted in spite of their top billing. Cursed mines and abandoned ghost towns form an ideal horror setting – the creators of "My Bloody Valentine" already figured that out in the early 80's – but his dull film simply hasn't got any innovative ideas or even remotely surprising elements to offer. Bunch of greedy twenty-something losers, which refer to themselves as friends even though they clearly can't stand each other, desecrate an ancient mine in search of the gold that is allegedly hidden there. Of course they unwarily resurrect the zombie miner this way and he just 150 years of rest in order to prepare for a massive teen massacre. Yay! The cast is exceptionally irritating in this one. The girls all have impressive racks but refuse to show anything. Instead, they all prefer endless whining and the taking of needless risks. The dim-witted blokes clearly just serve as screen fillers. In her barely five minutes of playtime, Karen Black still manages to make an utter fool out of herself by depicting the most prototypic and hysterical local nut woman ever. The zombie has a stupid and very unconvincing face, but he looks okay and reasonably menacing when shown in the distant shadow of the moonlight whilst swinging around his pick-axe. Since the best thing about "Miner's Massacre" concerns the aforementioned tagline and you can read that on the box in the video store itself, there's very little else to recommend here. Director John Carl Buechler scored a few modest hits during the eighties, like notably the original "Troll" and a fair "Friday the 13th" sequel, but it's obviously time to retire now.