- Gertrude Steiney: [very pregnant Gertrude is getting ready for the VMAs] You try getting ready quickly when you look like this! I'm so fat and there's gonna be nothing but beautiful skinny girls there!
- Ollie: That's because they're all coked-out whores, honey.
- Gertrude Steiney: [crying] I wanna be a coked-out whore!
- Gertrude Steiney: OK. You can be a coked-out whore. You can be a coked-out, coked-out whore.
- Ollie: Convincing a town to approve something that's already in their best interest, that's just delayed common sense!
- Ollie: George Michael is all about the ladies. "I want your sex". Does that sound like he's singing to a guy?
- Ollie: [having been invited to the bar with Gertrude and Bart] No, that's OK, I'll stay here and do the dishes. I only cooked, why shouldn't I clean?
- Bart: Suit yourself. Don't wash that pan, I got a nice layer of juice built up for the pork roll, and I don't want you scrubbing it off.
- Ollie: That 'juice' is called grease, Dad. It's bad for you. It clogs your arteries.
- Bart: It's called 'juice'. And it greases your father's insides so he can better swallow the shit his son feeds him twice a year, when he can be bothered to come to visit him.
- [Gertie and Ollie are at a video store]
- Gertie: You should be a dance teacher, like Johnny in "Dirty Dancing."
- Ollie: l should? Should l say, ''Nobody puts Baby in a corner''?
- Gertie: Oh, can we rent "Dirty Dancing" again?
- Ollie: Ohh... "Dirty Dancing" ranks one notch below "Cats" in my book. Can you pick out something else?
- Gertie: Can we rent this?
- [gives Ollie the box to "Men in Black"]
- Ollie: [while examining the movie] Absolutely not. Go pick out something from the children's section.
- Gertie: All those movies suck!
- Ollie: Watch your language!
- [Ollie grabs a video from the adult video section]
- Doctor #1: [starts to tell Ollie the bad news] Ollie...
- Ollie: lf l don't get to go in there right now... l swear to God!
- Doctor #1: Ollie... Ollie, calm down.
- Ollie: Fuck you, calm down! OK? l got dragged out of there, l haven't got to see my baby!
- Doctor #1: Your baby is fine. She's healthy, she's normal.
- Ollie: What's wrong with Gertie?
- Doctor #1: l need you to calm down before l...
- Ollie: Look, l'm calm! OK?
- [heaves an exasperated sigh]
- Ollie: l'm calm.
- Doctor #1: We think Gertie had an aneurysm.
- Ollie: ls she OK?
- Doctor #1: We lost her, Ollie. The strain of the contractions and the pushing caused the aneurysm to rupture. There are rarely symptoms for aneurysms...
- Ollie: [the dialogue fades out as the song "That's How I Knew This Story Would Break My Heart'' by Aimee Mann starts to play. Ollie breaks down and sinks to the floor, crying]
- Ollie: Look, you've got two minutes, and then we have to go, OK? Or I'm gonna leave.
- Gertrude Steiney: Would you stop rushing me?
- Ollie: I don't understand how somebody who had all day sitting around to get ready waits till 20 minutes before we have to leave!
- Gertrude Steiney: You try getting anything accomplished with this big gut in your way!
- Ollie: This is one of the few days of the year that I can be fired for being late!
- Gertrude Steiney: Anytime that you wanna carry this baby, Ollie, you let me know! OK? I would be glad to go back to wearing regular dresses instead of this tent!
- Ollie: The dress looks fine. It's gorgeous, OK? It's beautiful.
- Gertrude Steiney: Yeah, until I'm standing next to Janet Jackson or Sheryl Crow. Then you'll see how not fine it looks.
- Ollie: Gertie, I asked you, please, to use your own brush, OK? Can you just not use my brush?
- Gertrude Steiney: Don't start.
- PR Exec #1: Are you The Ollie Trinke? The one who used to work at Mandell Kirschner?
- Ollie: Yes.
- PR Exec #2: Son a bitch!
- PR Exec #1: YES! I told you, Reynolds. Pay up.
- PR Exec #2: I got it.
- Ollie: Am I missin' something?
- PR Exec #2: Nah, nah. He just bet me you were The Ollie Trinke, the one who the "Fresh Prince".
- Ollie: They named it?
- PR Exec #1: Of course. Are you kidding? You're a legend, man! You did what every flack only dreams about doing.
- Ollie: Which was what?
- PR Exec #2: You went apeshit! You trashed your client back to the Stone Age.
- Ollie: Yeah.
- PR Exec #1: We bow to you, man.
- PR Exec #2: You're like a god around here.
- PR Exec #1: Yep, exactly.
- Ollie: God enough to get a job.
- PR Exec #1: No.
- [both executives laugh]
- PR Exec #2: What are you, insane?
- PR Exec #1: No chance, Trinke.