- Ryan Dunn: That's a nice tattoo you got there. What does that mean?
- Girl at Coffee Shop: It means desire.
- Ryan Dunn: Desire huh? What the fuck does that mean? Does that mean you're into dudes with fuckin' long hair, smell like beer, have shitty tattoos; maybe they hang out at the bowling alley! Maybe, just maybe you'll go out back and rub their sick crotch; he'll stick his hands down your pants. Meanwhile, your boyfriend's sittin' at home jerkin off to fuckin' gay porn.
- Glauren: What I need right now is heavy metal music, hard drinkin, mayhem, shit you can't offer me right now, okay Ryan?
- Ryan Dunn: Who are you? You don't even like fast music - you don't even drink.
- Glauren: [indignant] Yeah. Before I met Hellboy. You know what your problem is? You always want shit to stay the same, okay? I need to get out there. I wanna play the field - of dicks.
- [beat]
- Ryan Dunn: Eww.
- [after showing Ryan the tape of Hellboy and Glauren having sex]
- Ryan: I'm gonna rip Hellboy a new asshole.
- Valo: No, I think Hellboy ripped Glauren a new asshole.
- Falcone: I will tell you everything, I'll let you know. You'll be so much smarter. Girls are like... a lake, you know? Like, you can jump right in, get in there, and then you're all used to it and everything's great. But come winter time
- [snaps fingers]
- Falcone: that shit's fuckin' frozen. Then you're fucked. That's why I know the difference: I always pull out of it.
- Valo: What are you talking about? This food is making you crazy.
- Don Vito: [to Ryan, through restaurant window] What're you *doin'* in there? I've been looking all over for you to... feed me some grapes!
- Valo: Let me guess: some sort of experiment?
- Falcone: Spearmint? I'd rather Wintergreen. What are you talkin' about?
- Valo: The TV. It's sideways.
- Falcone: Why wouldn't it be sideways? I have to watch it with my neck straight, so I'm comfortable. Otherwise I'd have a taco neck, ya know?
- Valo: Did you take acid?
- Falcone: ...yea.
- Wallet Guy: There's gotta be a fucking five in here somewhere.
- Valo: I don't care if it's a car, I don't care if it's a Goddamn Batmobile. I don't want to drive with him.
- Valo: What the fuck is wrong with your face? We're about to perform a highly illegal break-in and you're on your way to a football game with your frat buddies!
- Bartenders: You could be up to your spuds in bitch meat every day, but that's not love, that's just jacking loads of birds.
- Falcone: Anyway, I'm making this invention and, uh, I need like freeon from old fridgerators so keep an eye out. It's this uh, reverse microwave I'm making. Oh man, it makes things cool real fast.
- Raab: So... you're making some invention that could make stuff cold like, rally fast?
- Falcone: That's what I just said...
- [while filming a home movie using a model train set and action figures]
- Falcone: What are you guys doing, humping on the caboose?
- Falcone: Later on do you wanna go to to the bakery? I can almost taste it with my nose. Ever feel that way?
- Valo: Alright dude, seriously just relax okay? Look at that girl over there. She's reading a book alone. If that's not an invitation, I don't know what is.
- Ryan Dunn: What are you talking about, Valo? It's a coffee shop. People like that come here to get away from people like us.
- Valo: She is looking for ass, I can see it.
- Ryan Dunn: What does it matter? I look like shit.
- Valo: Go talk to her.
- Ryan Dunn: What do I say?
- Valo: I don't know. Compliment her on that tattoo or something.
- Ryan Dunn: Yeah, that'll work. It sounds so fucking lame.
- Valo: Worked for Glauren.