Crypt of Dark Secrets

Hi and welcome to my review of The Crypt Of Dark Secrets.

The story gets a 0.25 out of 2: Even though Irwin Blanche and Jack Weis have an adequate story concept, their structuring and character construction leaves a lot to be desired. The story is all over the place. The Sheriff already believes in the supernatural and has demanded a professor look into a local spirit, Damballa, for no reason. Then off they go to the haunted island, again for no tangible reason. As for the characters, these are pretty two-dimensional, and their dialogue may injure your ears as it's downright dreadful. One of the gravest things is there's no damned crypt anywhere in sight.

The Direction and Pace receive a 0 out of 4: Now, this may be a bit harsh because Jack Weiss' cinematography isn't that terrible. However, it's the dreadful cutting and horrendous performances that null and voids the sole evidence of talent on show.

The Acting gets a 0.25 out of 2: Thanks to the writing, the characterisations are two-dimensional, though this doesn't stop the actors and actresses from trying their hardest to assign them one-dimensionality. And, I'll be blowed, they practically accomplish it. The rating is for Herbert Jahncke, who plays Sheriff Buck. This guy is the radiant light in the darkness. And for Maureen Ridley and her naked dancing. This lady sure can grind. Shame she's the worst actress I've ever witnessed.

And, my Enjoyment level scores a 0.25 out of 2: This rating, once again, is for both Jahncke and Ridley and their respective talents. Usually, I disagree with the way directors use older people to play teenagers. Fantastically, in Crypt, Weiss reverses this element. The old voodoo woman is played by a young twenty-something tolerating one of the worst grey wigs you'll ever see. Now, this is garbage at its worst, but there's something enormously enjoyable about it at the same time. While I was shaking my head, I was giggling. Oh, yeah, and the end of the film: I experienced such relief when the end credits rolled.

Giving The Crypt Of Dark Secrets a 0.75 out of 10:

Crypt is one hell of a stinky film and if you ever smell its stench, run as far away as possible. Do Not Watch this garbage.

Now come, explore my Crypt and check out my Absolute Horror list to see where this Haunted Horror landed in my rankings. And to find something more entertaining to watch.

This is the "b-side" of a disc with Larry Buchanon's "The Naked Witch". And it very much resembles the more well-known film. After three swamp rats murder and rob a Vietnam vet in a Lousiana bayou, he is found and revived as a zombie for some reason by a strange witch name "Dambala", and he proceeds to take undead revenge on his murderers.

This is the kind of regional, low-budget film-making that they really don't do anymore. (There are, of course, the modern-day, internet-savvy fan-boys with digital cameras who might pull off something like "The Blair Witch Project" once in awhile , but that's really a different thing). Texas-based Larry Buchanon was one of the first of these filmmakers, but these guys had their real heyday in the 1970's when they took advantage of things like the bigfoot craze (i.e."The Legend of Boggy Creek") and the explosion of "sexploitation" films. The director of this, Jack Weiss, was obviously more interested in the sex films then PG-rated bigfoot "docu-dramas" (although the two things weren't necessarily mutually exclusive--there were actually some "bigfoot sex" films in the 70's). His most famous film was "Mardi Gras Massacre", a much more graphic film both in terms of sex and blood, but this movie (believe it or not) has more of a plot and is more enjoyable simply because it is not so tediously repetitive. The down-home characters are pretty endearing too (despite the generally inept acting).

This is better than "Mardi Gras Massacre", but inferior to its co-feature "Naked Witch". Since this was a 70's film though, the witch "Dambala" is certainly a lot more NAKED than the one in the earlier Buchanon film. Maureen Ridley, who plays "Dambala", has an incredible body and was obviously some kind of professional dancer--it's actually not hard to believe her nude dancing could raise the dead (and a lot of other things). I would recommend this if you enjoy low-budget regional film-making, especially as two-for-one feature with "The Naked Witch"

Vietnam vet Ted Watkins (Ronald Tanet) lives deep in the swamp on a place called "Haunted Island." Local legend has the spirit of shape shifting Damballa (Maureen Ridley) living there. After three crooks hear of Watkins' small cash fortune (he is overheard telling the town banker "I keep all my money in my bread box"), they sneak onto his land and kill him. But Damballa (which everyone pronounces as Damn-bella) does a naked dance and brings him back to life, setting out a plan for revenge.

Should I be angry this has no crypt and no dark secrets? This regionally-produced snoozer from writer-director Jack Weis doesn't really offer much unless you are looking for some swamp photography. Well, Ridley, who has a British accent for some reason, does get naked a few times. Weis handles everything with a dull "point and shoot" style and the make up consists of some blood dripping on money. He went on to do MARDI GRAS MASSACRE (1978). I looked up Damballa on Wikipedia and it is indeed a voodoo God that can transform into a snake. But it is a male, so you have to give Weis points for at least recognizing some exploitation value.

This rural low-budgeter was pretty shocking for something coming from the Something Weird DVD line, in the fact that it doesn't look or feel like some softcore porn, like probably 90% of their output. Of course, Damballa is pretty hot without her clothes (which you get to see in ample amount)! The film is fairly well-made under the conditions, with some rich color photography and it moves along at a good gallop, being only 71 minutes, and could have probably gotten away with some editing out of the overly-long ritual and dancing sequences. Granted, the acting is pretty poor, but that's to be expected in something like this. All in all, worth a look if you buy a copy.

"Crypt of Dark Secrets" is so badly written, so poorly directed, so clumsily acted, and overall so amateurishly put together that you honestly can't be too harsh on it. It feels like a movie thought up by a bunch of New Orleans' boys in the school's playground during the breaks! What are they most interested in? Boobs, of course! And maybe also some boat-cruising in the Louisianan swamps, snakes, bloodshed, and more boobs!

First off, there's not a crypt in sight. There's a lone tombstone in the middle of the bayou, at most. Deep within the swamp roams Damballa; - a restless Aztec witch spirit who enjoys dancing naked around a fire and mounting trees on invisible chairlifts. One day, Damballa witnesses - in her snake shape - how three thugs murder a Vietnam veteran who lives alone in the swamp and steal his money. She resurrects him via an erotic dance so sensual and sexy that it would probably even awake a Pharaoh who has been dead for centuries! After Damballa practically bores the former soldier back to death with her background story flashback, they plot their revenge.

Let's be totally frank and honest about this; there's only one reason to seek out "Crypt of Dark Secrets", and it's Maureen Ridley's sensational naked body and her unscrupulous dance moves that leave absolutely nothing to the imagination! What a woman. Apart from her dancing, the film is hopelessly dull and unremarkable. Even with a running time of barely 72 minutes, it's half an hour to long. Well, there is one more (unintentionally) hilarious moment! Quite early in the film, when the distrusting veteran has an appointment at the local bank to discuss the possibility of a savings account, the incompetent bank director openly discusses his financial situation and even asks where he currently hides the money in his house while there's a local yokel sitting right next to them eavesdropping!! That same yokel is, of course, the one who later robs and kills the soldier. Good job, Mr. Bank director. Shouldn't you discuss sensitive and discrete information in a closed office, or something?