- Emmett: Did you take Mrs. Windham on a date?
- Enrique Salvatore: Yes.
- Emmett: Where?
- Enrique Salvatore: A restaurant in Concord, where no one could recognize us.
- Emmett: How long have you been sleeping with Mrs. Windham?
- Enrique Salvatore: Three months.
- Emmett: And your boyfriend's name is...
- Enrique Salvatore: Chuck.
- Emmett: Right.
- [Everyone gasps/laughs]
- Enrique Salvatore: Pardon me, pardon me. I thought you said friend; Chuck is just a friend.
- Chuck: YOU BITCH!
- Enrique Salvatore: Don't stomp your little last season Prada shoes at me, honey.
- Elle: These aren't last season!
- [looks down, gasps, runs back into court room]
- Elle: He's gay! Enrique is gay!
- Professor Stromwell: If you're going to let one stupid prick ruin your life... you're not the girl I thought you were.
- Elle: I just don't think that Brooke could've done this. Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't.
- [Elle sees David the geek trying unsuccessfully to get a date with two lovely girls, who mock him, and decides to help by making the girls think she dated David]
- Elle: Excuse me.
- [Elle turns around and slaps David]
- Elle: Why didn't you call me? We spent a beautiful night together and I haven't heard from you since.
- David: [pause] I'm sorry?
- Elle: Sorry for what? For breaking my heart, or for giving me the greatest pleasure I've ever known and just taking it away?
- David: Both?
- Elle: Well, forget it. I've spent too much time crying over you.
- [Elle walks away, and the girls change their mind about him]
- Girl: So, when did you wanna go out?
- Elle: For that matter, any masturbatory emissions, where the sperm is clearly not seeking an egg, could be termed reckless abandonment.
- Professor Callahan: You've just won your case.
- Elle: Ms. Windham, what had you done earlier that day?
- Chutney Windham: I got up, got a latte, went to the gym, got a perm, and came home.
- Elle: [Elle suddenly gets a brainstorm and looks up] Where you got in the shower?
- The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: I believe the witness has made it clear that she was in the shower.
- [courtroom audience laughs]
- Elle: Yes, your Honor. Ms. Windham, had you ever gotten a perm before?
- Chutney Windham: Yes.
- Elle: How many, would you say?
- Chutney Windham: Two a year since I was 12. You do the math.
- Elle: [nods, smiles knowingly] You know, a girl in my sorority, Tracy Marcinco, got a perm once. We all tried to talk her out of it. Curls weren't a good look for her. She didn't have your bone structure. But thankfully, that same day, she entered the Beta Delta Pi wet t-shirt contest, where she was completely hosed down from head to toe...
- DA Joyce Rafferty: Objection, why is this relevant?
- Elle: Oh, I have a point, I promise.
- The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: Then make it.
- Elle: Yes, ma'am. Chutney, why is it Tracy Marcinco's curls were ruined when she got hosed down?
- Chutney Windham: Because they got wet.
- Elle: Exactly. Because isn't the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you're forbidden to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the ammonium thioglycolate?
- Chutney Windham: [nervous] Uh... y-yes.
- Elle: [as Elle speaks, Chutney's composure gradually begins to break. DA Joyce looks worried then horrified] And wouldn't somebody who's had, say, thirty perms before in their life be well aware of this rule? And if, in fact, you weren't washing your hair, as I suspect you weren't because your curls are still intact, wouldn't you have heard the gunshot? And if, in fact, you had heard the gunshot, Brooke Windham wouldn't have had time to hide the gun before you got downstairs. Which would mean that you would have had to found Mrs. Windham with a gun in her hand to make your story plausible, isn't that right?
- Chutney Windham: [desperate] She's my age! Did she tell you that? How would you feel if your father married someone who was your age?
- Elle: You, however, had time to hide the gun, didn't you, Chutney? After you shot your father.
- Chutney Windham: [in tears] I didn't mean to shoot him!
- [points at Brooke]
- Chutney Windham: I thought it was YOU walking through the door!
- [Everyone in the courtroom gasps. DA Joyce Raffery gasps. Chutney is humiliated. Brooke is both horrified and proud. Elle is stunned.]
- The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: [to the courtroom] Order! Order! Order!
- Elle: [surprised] Oh My God!
- Brooke: [proud of Elle] Oh My God!
- The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: [stunned] Oh My God.
- [Emmett shakes his head, blown away and proud of Elle]
- The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: Bailiff, take the witness into custody, where she will be charged for the murder of Heyworth Windham. In the matter of The State vs. Brooke Windham, this case is dismissed.
- [to Brooke]
- The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: Mrs. Windham, you are free to go.
- Brooke: [happily] Thank you!
- [Brooke and Elle hug as the courtroom celebrates]
- Professor Callahan: Do you think she woke up one morning and said "I think I'll go to law school today"?
- Elle: [on video essay] ... and that's why you should vote for me. Elle Woods: future lawyer for the class of 2004.
- Admissions Guy: She does have a 4.0 from CULA and she got a 179 on LSATs.
- Head of Admissions: Fashion major?
- Admissions Guy: Well sir we've never had one before and aren't we always looking for diversity?
- Admissions Guy: Her list of extra-curricular activities is impressive.
- Head of Admissions: She was in a Ricky Martin video.
- Admissions Guy: Clearly, she's interested in music.
- Head of Admissions: She also designed a line of faux-fur panties for her sorority's charity project.
- Admissions Guy: Uh huh, she's a friend to the animals as well as a philanthropist.
- Head of Admissions: Elle Woods.
- [pause]
- Head of Admissions: Welcome to Harvard.
- Elle's Mother: Honey, you were First Runner-Up at the "Miss Hawaiian Tropics" contest. Why are you going to throw that all away?
- Elle: Going to Harvard is the only way I'm going to get the love of my life back.
- Elle's Father: Oh, sweetheart, you don't need law school. Law school is for people who are boring and ugly and serious. And you, button, are none of those things.
- Elle: [after Warner asks her out after the trial] But if I'm going to be a partner in a law firm by the time I'm 30, I need a boyfriend who's not such a complete bonehead.
- Elle: Oh Warner, do you remember when we spent those four amazing hours in the hot tub together after winter formal?
- Warner Huntington III: Uhh, ye... no?
- Elle: Well this is so much better than that! Excuse me, I have some shopping to do.
- Paulette: [Elle is in tears at the salon after she finds out Warner dumped her for her new rival, Vivian] So what's this Vivian got that you don't have? Three tits?
- Elle: And last week I saw Cameron Diaz at Fred Segal, and I talked her out of buying this truly heinous angora sweater. Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed.
- Warner Huntington III: Pooh bear, just get in the car.
- Elle: No.
- [starts walking away, sniffling]
- Warner Huntington III: You're gonna ruin your shoes.
- Elle: Okay.
- [gets in car]
- Elle: This is what I need to become.
- Old Lady at Manicurist: What? Practically deformed?
- Elle: No, a law student.
- Elle: Is that low-viscosity rayon? With a half-loop top stitching on the hem?
- Boutique Saleswoman: Of course. It's one of a kind.
- Elle: It's impossible to use a half-loop stitching on low-viscosity rayon. It would snag the fabric. And you didn't just get it in - I saw it in the June Vogue a year ago. So if you're trying to sell it to me for full price, you've picked the wrong girl.
- Elle: You're breaking up with me because I'm too... blonde?
- Warner Huntington III: Well, no. That's not entirely true...
- Elle: Then what? My boobs are too big?
- Elle: [to Emmett] So, if you don't know an answer they're just gonna kick you out.
- Emmett: So you have Stromwell, huh?
- Elle: Yes. Did she do that to you too?
- Emmett: No, but she did make me cry once... not in class I waited until I got back to my room, but yeah she'll kick you right in the balls, or wherever.
- Elle: I don't need back-ups. I'm going to Harvard.
- C.U.L.A. Advisor: Well then, you'll need excellent recommendations from your professors.
- Elle: Okay.
- C.U.L.A. Advisor: And a heck of an admissions essay.
- Elle: Right.
- C.U.L.A. Advisor: And at least a 175 on your LSATs.
- Elle: I once had to judge a tighty-whitey contest for Lambda Kappa Pi. Trust me, I can handle anything.
- Elle: Because I'm not a Vanderbilt, suddenly I'm white trash? I grew up in Bel Air, Warner. Across the street from Aaron Spelling. I think most people would agree that's a lot better than some stinky old Vanderbilt.
- Brooke: I was getting...
- [whispers]
- Brooke: liposuction.
- Elle: I'm sorry, what?
- Brooke: [whispers a little louder] I was getting liposuction.
- Elle: Huh?
- Brooke: [shouting] LIPOSUCTION!
- Elle: [gasps loudly]
- Brooke: OH GOD!
- Elle: [low voice] NO...
- Brooke: I know! I'm a fraud! It's not like normal women can have this ass! If my fans knew that I bought it, I would lose everything!
- [sadly]
- Brooke: I've already lost my husband.
- [bitterly]
- Brooke: I'd rather go to jail than lose my reputation.
- Elle: [understanding] Brooke, your secret's safe with me.
- Brooke: [tearfully, yet thankfully] Thank you.
- Paulette: So what's a girl to do? He's a guy who followed his pecker to greener pastures. I'm a middle aged, high school drop out with stretch marks and a fat ass.
- Elle: I promised her, and I can't break the bonds of sisterhood.
- Professor Callahan: Screw sisterhood! This is a murder investigation! Not some scandal at the sorority house!
- Serena: Oh look, there's Elle! Elle, we came to see your trial and look! There's like a judge and everything... and jury people.
- Margot: VOTE FOR ELLE!
- The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: Ladies, take a seat!
- Warner Huntington III: Pooh-bear, you're not serious enough...
- Elle: [firmly] Well, I'm serious about this, Warner.
- Warner Huntington III: No. I mean, I'm sorry but, you're never going to be smart enough for lessons in law.
- [Elle silently, yet suddenly discovers that Warner doesn't respect her and never will respect her]
- Elle: I'm never going to be good enough for you, am I?
- Elle: [from deleted scene] She told me I look like Britney Spears! Why would she say that if she doesn't like me?
- [sees Elle in her Bunny costume]
- Warner Huntington III: Hey, well, don't you look like a walking felony.
- Elle: Thanks, you're so sweet.
- Professor Callahan: Smell this.
- Emmett: What is it?
- Professor Callahan: Her resume.
- Emmett: [sniffs the pink paper] Smells good.
- Warner Huntington III: How was your first class?
- Elle: Oh, it was okay, except for this horrible preppy girl who tried to make me look bad in front of the professor, but no biggie.