Kung Fu Contra as Bonecas

I don't speak Portugese, and the otherwise surprisingly good-quality copy I got of this famously elusive movie--I'm sure there are still people out there who think it never really existed save as a joke title--had no English subtitles. So some of the plot fine points (such as they are) were lost on me. However, the general tilt is obvious enough. A group of bandidos in vaguely pirate-y, brightly colored clothes terrorize the countryside, killing unarmed peasants for the hell of it and so forth. They run afoul of the hero, a wanderer whom we see in flashbacks got his marital arts/spiritual training from an Eastern master in scenes that are just like the flashbacks in TV's "Kung Fu." Joining forces with a likewise sorta-kinda-kickboxing woman he's rescued from the bandidos, he routs them after a number of fight scenes.

Despite the brutality of the bad guys in early scenes, this is primarily a very broad comedy. The last word in the original title "Kung Fu Contras Bonecas" means "dolls," which I assume is Portugese slang for homosexual. However, it's hard to see just where the "gay," let alone "gay power," is here. The bandidos do wear shiny, loudly colored clothes that are more flamboyant than macho, and they do occasionally break into ill-choreographed little group jigs. (During one, some men dance with each other.) But when they're not raping peasant girls, they're sleeping with their own in-house stable of occasionally topless whores and floozies. Similarly, the hero wears a very pink tank top (with "Kung Fu" written on it), and his long hair is cut in a very girly fashion. But he, too, only seems interested in women--in particular his kickboxing companion, whom he sleeps with. There is at least one stereotype "comedy relief" gay figure, who is some kind of domestic help in a cathouse seen during the climactic scenes. But otherwise the movie seems to flirt with the outer clichés--flamboyant clothes, vain and silly behavior--associated then with homosexuality, yet lack the courage or desire to actually make its main characters gay in any way. They're solidly hetero, surrounded with plenty of T&A to please straight male audiences.

I gave this movie 3 stars simply because there's no denying the thrill of x'ing "Bruce Lee vs. Gay Power" off the list as something that not only exists, but has been seen. Otherwise, it would get a 2--it's not horribly made (by low-budg regional exploitation standards), but broad, dumb, and a little dull; it's hard to keep your attention from wandering throughout. The most entertaining scenes are the fights, if only because they're so ridiculous--the performers are limber, but clearly don't know anything about actual martial arts. More often than not they simply resort to ye olde kick-in-the-crotch. Even the hero sometimes abandons convention and simply stabs somebody to death or whatnot. The slo-mo bits in which he delivers his big death kicks are rather hilarious because of his "slo-mo" yowl, which has to be heard to be believed--it's half Bruce Lee-type "hi-ya!" and half like Tuvan throat singing.

Anyway, it's great to now be able to say I've seen "Bruce Lee vs. Gay Power." (Needless to say, if you hadn't guessed already, the real Bruce Lee is nowhere to be found here.) Actually watching the movie was another matter. It's not a rediscovered camp classic, but just a bad low-grade comedy with a few oddball elements. If you're a die-hard obscure-cult-film fan who's been dying to see it, rest assured, you're not missing anything life-changing, or even memorable.

For years, I have heard of this film called Bruce Lee Versus Gay Power. Well, I finally scored a copy that was fan subtitled. The onscreen title is Kung Fu Contra as Bonecas, which the subtitles translate as Kung Fu Against the Fairies.

I had no idea that the film was a comedy. It is not a funny one, but it is supposed to be a comedy. The villains must punch in before they go to "work" (robbing, murdering, etc.). The head bandit likes to have his hair styled (in curlers). Another bandit uses his hands as telescope and then wipes off the imaginary glass. If all of the above sounds hysterical to you, then you might be the ideal target audience for Kung Fu Contra as Bonecas.

The plot involves land grabbing. A respected citizen has hired the bandits to kill a Chinese family and then later another farm owner and his daughter. The son (who most certainly is not Asian) from the Chinese family returns from studying martial arts abroad just in time to save the farm owner's daughter, who also somehow knows martial arts. The son, who seems most upset by the fact that the bandits killed his pet pig, vows revenge.

In addition to not being Chinese, the son is also not named Bruce Lee. In fact, I am not sure he is ever referred to by name. He wears a T-shirt of The Kung Fu TV show, and the film feels indebted to that TV series. I guess David Carradine Versus Gay Power did not have the same ring to it. For that matter, the bandits were not as effeminate as one might expect from the alternative title. The villains might act in a bizarre manner, somewhat like the ones in Django Kill! (was that film a hit in Brazil?), but they also party with dance hall girls. Only one of the villains seems to actually be gay. So how did the alternative title became attached to this film? Got me, but it is a memorable title.

Kung Fu Contra as Bonecas (or Bruce Lee Versus Gay Power) is a pretty cheap and shoddy film. The martial arts are pretty much limited to jumping and a few kicks. The humor is miserable. The most interesting aspect about the whole film is that alternative title. See it if you must, but don't say I didn't warn you.