Rollergator

I can't, nay, I won't write anything more. The title of my review says all I want to say.

I have only looked at the recent short from Rifftrax and, from what I saw, to give this zero-budget 'thing' any stars should be a crime; since IMDb requires a minimum of 1, that's all it could 'possibly' get.

Everyone involved with "Rollergator" must have known they were making the equivalent of 'cinematic fecal matter'. Cheap and amateurish in every imaginable aspect of film-making, this pile of celluloid dung's only two redeeming qualities were the presence of the self-loathing (I suspect) Joe Estevez who may have thought:'I know full-well what I'm getting into, but don't care because I'm expected to be in intentionally-crappy films. How awful can I be in this one?') and the not-so-bad-looking blonde actress, Sandra Shuker, although her thespian skills border on non-existent. That's really it, folks. It's that bad.

The talking (!) baby alligator puppet would have even been improved by merely sewing eyes on a sock...you'd get the same effect, really. I guess it's all an intentional joke because it looks so obviously-fake. Anyone who's heard of 'Ed the Sock' has seen this before and just as believably; only Ed's perpetual cigar was missing.

Saying, 'This is the worst (fill in the blank) I've ever seen, etc.' is asking for it. Something even more horrifically-cheap and stupid may actually be possible...a shuddering thought, considering what I saw of this thing.

Jeesh. Where to begin with this disaster.

Well, me and my friends love watching bad movies. We do it all the time. I think for the same reason many other people do it to; To find something of comedic value and perhaps try and get an understanding as to why the filmmakers made these movies. Sometimes this can simply be attributed to incompetence, trying to make something beyond their scope and budget and competency, or just because the filmmakers wanted to make a movie they wanted to make as a passion project. Some of these movies can be endearing for those reasons alone. But we've sat through enough terrible movies to know that Rollergator isnt one of them.

To sum up quickly for whoever is reading this; a tiny purple alligator and a woman on rollerskates perpetually run away from a skateboarding ninja hired by a carnival owner to retrieve him for their personal profits.

Thats all you really need to know, because those are the only things you can sort of puzzle together. Because for some reason i believe the movie is edited out of order. From the moment the movie starts until it ends nothing makes a lick of sense in the way its story progresses. Scenes cut and jump awkwardly, the camera work resembles that of a 13 year old making short films for youtube and the acting is nothing short from sublime (terrible). There is nothing funny about it. The only reason we got a chuckle out of it was of how distressed me and my friends were and how much we hated it. We got more enjoyment out of eachothers misery watching this than actually watching it.

Another gripe i have is that the movie is a flatout lie. I thought at least i would see a small purple alligator on rollerblades but that didnt happen. Also, the alligator claims that it can sing and rap. But only spits like 2 of the most lamest bars ive heard since "TOP 10 LAMEST FREESTYLE BARS" on youtube (which by the way is funny as hell, funnier than this movie at least). for the rest he doesnt really do much. He spends about 90 percent of the movie huddled away in a backpack.

Now, the audio is... Ooof... No Disrespect Preston Reed but the neverending droning loop of twangy guitars(Me and my friends can pretty much confirm it, maybe, honestly this movie actually made me lose memories) is the worst stuff ever. and it plays from the start till the finish. No tonal shifts, no pauses just the same guitar playing over and over and over. The audio mixing for dialogue in this movie is bad, and sometimes gets drowned out by the guitar that just keeps going and going and going... i legitimately felt dizzy because of how repetitive the audio was.

Overall. Even if you like terribad movies, this isnt worth your time. There is no comedic value in any aspect whatsoever. not in the acting or the camera work or the audio. Its all bad. Steer clear from this one for sure. It aint worth the attention.

Only because IMDB doesn't allow a "0" star rating does this get a star. I imagine this movie was made with the idea that it would somehow catch on as a cult classic and sell some beta max, uh, VHS copies.

It infuriates me that whoever gave the director of this movie funding to make this film got so taken in. I can only hope that "legendary" film director Donald G. Jackson (of Hell Comes to Frogtown "fame") embezzled the majority of the production costs for a used Ford Fiesta or something.

Make no mistake, this is not an example of "so bad it's good," this movie is "so bad it's melting my eyes and ears." Speaking of melting ears, the soundtrack is hands down the worst ever. It entails someone playing acoustic guitar (amplified) throughout the duration of the entire film (except for occasional pee and water breaks). The music has zero to do with what's going on-screen, and about 10 minutes in I was suspicious that might even be a sound loop.

But worst of all is that you can't hear about 40% of the dialogue because there is music drowning it out.

Not that you *would* want to hear the music. From what I can tell, the story consists of a baby, "rapping(and we use that term lightly here)", purple alligator has gotten lost. I couldn't get far enough into the movie to actually see it roller skate(I had an immense headache after an hour and ten minutes of watching the film), but apparently it does... eventually.

The film *seems* to be designed for kids. What with all the skateboarding Ninjas & slingshotting little girls. But the main character in the movie is dressed in a sports bra and extremely skimpy biker trunks. Meanwhile most of the film's cinematography seems to entail zooming in on the girl's belly button while she skates around.

I really don't want to spend anymore time talking about this film. Its offensive it was ever made, and I really wish I had never seen it.