The Star Wars Holiday Special

I was stoned out of my mind when I saw this thing. It's truly stunning. Note that Hollywood Squares staple Bruce Vilanch was one of the writers. (This show bears odd similarities to his other opus, "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour".) By the time this creation, which I call "Episode 4.5" was in its zenith, so was I; the pipe was empty. I felt as though Princess Leia's voice was vibrating in my spine. At one point she looked right at me and I saw her with my entire face, not just my eyes. The best moments are with Bea Arthur. I rewound the exchange between her and "Ludlow" and "Thorpe" about twenty times. "Short memory, eh, Thorpe? SHORT MEMORY!" By the time the Wookies were walking through outer space in red robes towards what appears to be the sun I felt as though I was with them. I don't remember the cartoon, but I do recall Mark Hamill looking like he was auditioning for the Gay Ice Capades. Also, you will find out several things you may have wanted to know about "Star Wars":

How do Wookies entertain themselves? Why is Grandpa Wookie named "Itchy"? What is the warm, cuddly side of Han Solo? What would a love scene between Bea Arthur and Harvey Korman REALLY look like? What are the lyrics to the "Star Wars" theme? And what would they sound like if Princess Leia sang them? What would it be like for an aged, portly Art Carney to engage in a familiar "Honeymooners" routine with an Imperial Guard as his Ralphie-boy? But it stll leaves several questions: Why does "Lumpy" so resemble the kid from "Eight is Enough"? Why do the characters from "Star Wars" never change their clothes until "The Empire Strikes Back"? What was the story behind the "Short memory!" crack? Was there a romance between Bea Arthur and "Thorpe"? If so, what are the long-term consequences to the Cantina atmosphere? Was Bea Arthur just filling in that day for the big ugly fellow who ran the bar in "A New Hope"? Or does she own the place? Why do Imperial Guards adore "Jefferson Starship", and why do old Wookies have a fetish for African-American Humans?

I hope Lucas creates another one of these. I would love to see Jar-Jar Binks exchange puns with Kelsey Grammar or Ray Romano.

...seriously, what Star Wars fan *wouldn't* want to watch this? Well, maybe a few - I remember when this first aired, this young kid was totally psyched, and got all my snacks ready and sat at the TV -- and after 15 minutes, I turned if OFF. I am going to try to give a different take towards this one than the other reviewers, because of course they are all correct, this is an amazingly bad piece of garbage.

First off, yep, I and no one else who is a Star Wars fan who has seen this will ever disagree it is complete and total crap. But you know the old saying about train wrecks, you just *have* to watch them, this is that. Because as unbelievably horrible as it is, and as totally unfathomably bad every scene is, as a Star Wars fan you wanna see these characters in new scenes.

It IS cool seeing "new" footage of Han and Chewie in the Falcon's cockpit. It's cool seeing Luke do his thing, Leia, the droids, everyone, although this is nothing but a huge mess, you gotta like seeing these characters again somewhere. Of course, as you watch you may say to yourself that you wish you had NEVER seen this, because it taints the memory of these great Star Wars characters. So was actually seeing this special worth it? If you can keep your feelings about Star Wars in check and dismiss this easily, sure it is.

The Boba Fett appearance in the animated sequence is very cool, best thing about the show probably. It's too short though, especially in such a long show.

But you know, this is one part of the Star Wars universe where I would love some additional information. The special itself we have - but this is the only piece of the Star Wars universe we know almost nothing of the background about. How was this show proposed? What were the creative meetings for this abomination like? Who felt this should be 2 hours long in broadcast time? What did the actors say and feel when they read what they were supposed to do? How did the recording of Carrie Fisher's "Star Wars song" go? Did everyone on screen just think this was a big joke before it was through?

And most importantly...did absolutely no one whatsoever in power have any ability at all to see this final product and realize what a complete piece of garbage this was, and what a blight on the Star Wars universe this would surely become? Were there stipulations that said this HAD to air, and they couldn't even trim it down?

I can't believe after creating such a masterpiece like "Star Wars" that George Lucas didn't have the eyes to see what a total hack job this Star Wars Holiday TV Special was. (Even with "Episode 2" in existence I still have to give George the benefit on this one.)

So c'mon....what is the REAL untold story behind this...this....this thing?

Maybe the "E" network can help?

THAT would make for a much better tale than anything on this special.

But you gotta watch.

One more interesting note -- at a sci-fi con in New Jersey in the later 90's, at the end when the place was clearing out, one dealer that was selling tapes still had his TV on and he had none other than the Star Wars Holiday Special playing, maybe hoping to sell a last copy or two. Then, none other than convention guests Peter Mayhew (Chewie) and Kenny Baker (R2D2), by themselves, passed this dealer's table on their way out, and saw the Special playing, and then they started staring intently at it. Their jaws just dropped. The dealer was shocked when he noticed them (he was packing his stuff) and then he said something like "hi guys," and both Peter and Kenny answered with something along the lines of that they haven't thought about the Special in many years. Then Peter said "c'mon Kenny" and they walked off. Interesting!

OK, if you are reading this, you have probably already heard about the nightmarish details of this film. Carrie Fisher sings, badly, an "inspirational" version of the Star Wars theme. Art Carney shows way too much skin. Mark Hammill looks like a drag queen, and Harrison Ford looks like he was dragged on set against his will by a gang of thugs.

The "musical numbers" are bizarre, irrelevant, and bear no resemblance to anything else. I think I speak for everyone when I say that I hope that mysterious orifice on the top of Harvey Korman's head has one, and only one, use.

But, gentle reader, I do not criticize the painful individual moments of this disaster, no matter how many there are. I do not even criticize the fact that Wookies are made to look like either obnoxious twits or creepy perverts. No, I want to talk about pacing, or in this work's case, p-a-c-i-n-g...

Taken as a whole, there was about enough plot here for a 30 minute network special. But, that would not be long enough. So, the viewer gets 20 minutes of wookie-speak, which goes nowhere. And dance numbers, which go nowhere... And Bea Arthur singing, which might go somewhere we don't want to know about... The fact is, amazingly little happens during this thing's excruciatingly long running time.

Having a martini handy is a must. Just do not drink every time you get bored.

As many other posters stated, I had been warned. And the legends are true! And like the Nazis, once you remove the cover to the Ark, you have to deal with the consequences. I paid 13 bucks for it, and it is a pile of crap. For the stouthearted who choose to soldier on, I have two recommendations:

1. Do not watch this alone! Like any other emotional trauma, the support of friends is crucial to survival. By the end, you will either want to climb a steeple with a rifle, or go into the garage and start the car.

2. Do not operate while unimpaired. An altered level of consciousness can cushion your psyche. I tried it straight, but within ten minutes I was forced to seek the companionship of my foamy 12 ounce friends.

At any rate, this helping of dog goo brings to light painful questions about Chewbacca and his people long ago in a galaxy far, far away. Questions probably better left unasked. Such as, despite the treetop setting, why does their dwelling place resemble a 70's ski lodge with an Astroturf floor?

Why does the local trader wear black plastic Earth glasses? How were the Wookies able to convert an ordinary cassette player into a Holograph projector? And, regarding said projector, why is the youth Lumpy (who is probably yelling "Franks and Beans!" in Wookie), so fascinated with the freakish flailings of a poor man's Cirque de Soleil? Finally, why in God's name does the patriarch of the clan, Itchy, get so aroused over a pseudo Irene Cara performing a sickening disco song and dance? It was highly disturbing.

Those are the questions that torment me. The other posters have done a far better job than myself covering the horrid sequences with Starship, Bea Arthur (shudder), Harvey Korman and Art Carney. But I must add this: I thought the animated sequence sucked. The story with decent artists probably would have been a cool comic book, but the animation and artwork was terrible. Too cartoony. Artoo physically jumping, his rigid metallic body curving about. And something about Han's head looking like it had been run over by a truck, all squashed...

Like Lot's wife, you have been warned...

I don't know whose idea this thing was, but it was a bad one. The "Star Wars Holiday Special" took place in between the two movies, and is famous amongst Star Wars fans for featuring the first appearance of Boba Fett, and completely forgotten by everyone else. Why so forgotten? Because, simply, the show is absolutely terrible.

The "special" (and I use that term as loosely as possible) is about Chewbacca's family, who await his return for the celebration of the holiday "Life Day." Far as I can gather, the holiday involves Christmas ornament-like globes and wearing red robes and being Wookies. The special is basically two hours of waiting, and along the way there are cameos by all the major stars of the original film (Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, Harrison Ford, etc.) It's shocking they appear at all, I have to believe the mob was involved for them to show up. They don't do much, and look thoroughly ashamed of themselves. And they should be; after all, all the action is given to Art Carney (Don't ask me), who plays a trader who's friends with the, uh, Baccas. Action hero Art Carney, ladies and gentlemen.

The show has more asides than a Shakespearian play. There is no plot, there are only little goofy tidbits. None of it is very Star Warsish. Harvey Korman plays a few roles, including an alien version of Julia Childs, and a robot explaining how to set up a communication device. Bea Arthur works in the infamous Cantina, which on a tv budget looks a lot like a diner with some guys with alien masks. She gets a very lengthy musical number and so do Jefferson Starship, and others.

Why would you make a Star Wars special that had nothing to do with Star Wars? It's mostly musical numbers, third rate celebrities (Way older than Star Wars' target audience I should mention), and Wookies who can't speak English. There's a good twenty minute period where no English is spoken since it's just the three Wookies goofing off. If this is genius stuff, then so's "Freddy Got Fingered."

The important Boba Fett apperanace is also one of the few truly entertaining moments of the show; a cartoon about Luke and co. meeting Boba for the first time. It's exciting and well voiced and animated. It's also just a little doo-dad that Lumpy (Yes, when you're named Chewie you name your son Lumpy) watches on a little video screen while waiting for his dad to come home.

It's funny to watch, and painful to watch, and annoying to watch, and mind-boggling to watch. It has to be seen to be believed, but do you really even want to?