Ninja Terminator

I have seen a few ninja movies in my time. THe fabulous mafia vs. ninja and The Super Ninja instantly come to mind, but I have NEVER....EVER seen a movie like this. I've seen a few cut and splice ninja movies in my time: diamond force ninja (moments of excellence,) ninja: American warrior (moments of pure insanity) and ninja dragon (patheticly ridiculous and virtually un-watchable) but i have NEVER seen a God (godfrey ho) ninja movie like this!!!!! I'll make it plain and simple. The other reviewer had it dead on: Jaguar wong is the coolest man in history!!!! Usually these cut and splice ninja movies have great brief ninja action sequences and terrible (different movie) sub plots that are virtually un-watchable but ninja terminator (or as the title I rented it under: silver fox and ninja terminator) brings the genre to a whole new high!! THis movie makes no sense. I feel like I was just hit by a train. This is pure insanity. Two films mixed into one. Jaguar Wong vs. Some guy with the most lame ass blond wig i have ever seen mixed with footage of indestructible Ninja Master Gordon { actor RIchard Harrison (known is this film as ninja master Harry)} kicking red ninja and other ninja's butts over the possession of the golden ninja idol (the exact same lame ass plastic statue as seen in Ninja Diamond force if i'm not mistaken) The ninja action sequences between the different ninjas are amazingly top notch kung fu and NEVER and I mean NEVER underestimate the power of Jaguar Wong. He IS the coolest man in history and his kung fu does not disappoint. He NEVER gives up and beats the crap out of anyone who dares stand in his way. Even when he is tied up and has no chance of survival he....well just watch the movie.

THis is easily one of the best movies I have ever seen. Somehow while trying to quickly complete a ninja movie for profit in the eighties Godfrey Ho and friends inadvertently bring a truly unique film to the human race. If you can find it WATCH IT!!!!! If you have any interest in kung fu or so bad it's good movie making you'll LOVE this!!!!!! What the hell was that robot or Harrison's Garfield Phone?????!?!?!?! WTF!?! INSANITY!!!

An unbelievably daft effort from Godfrey Ho, the king of crap ninja movies, Ninja Terminator sees Ho's regular star Richard Harrison once again donning his natty camouflage suit to fight a variety of similarly garbed bad guys, all the while performing totally unnecessary cartwheels and back-flips.

This time, Harrison plays Harry, one of a trio of good ninjas who steal a precious, magical golden statue from their evil boss. When one of the trio is killed and part of the statue is taken back, Harry enlists the help of his friend Jaguar Wong (who is a cool-as-ice, high-kicking bad-ass) to protect his dead friend's sister and try and retrieve the missing piece.

Despite the story making little or no sense for most of the running time (which is what you get when you splice together footage from two different films, as is apparently the case here), Ninja Terminator is still well worth watching thanks to countless completely insane moments guaranteed to make you howl with laughter: watch in awe as Harry proves that no melon is a match for his ninja sword skills; be puzzled as a breakfast of live crabs suddenly turns nasty; wonder why the hell Hwang Jang Lee is wearing a bad blonde wig for most of the film; giggle uncontrollably as a toy robot menacingly delivers video tapes; and then check ebay to see if you too can get a cool Garfield phone like the one Harry uses.

Amongst all this unexplainable, but very entertaining silliness, there are also plenty of pretty good martial arts fights (Jack Lam, as Jaguar Wong, is excellent and displays loads of decent moves before his inevitable battle against super-kicker Lee). Throw in a couple of gratuitous sex scenes, and some awful dialogue, and what you have is one hell of a fun film.

Goofy, fast-paced and frequently senseless action, probably partly padded out from pieces of the director's umpteen other films, as was his custom. The plot is so random I never really understood what the significance was of the golden thingie everybody was chasing after-this is just one of those movies where you accept that "the guys in red will fight the guys in blue who'll fight the guys in yellow," quickly forgetting to even wonder WHY anyone is fighting anybody. It's silly in a good way, energetic and slick on a B-grade level. At times it achieves a kind of inspired giddy absurdity that is close to trash heaven.

I'm extremely glad to read the other reviews for this film and see that there are others out there that understand just how awesome this film is. My recommendation is that you watch this film with a large group of friends and a chilled crate of beer at the ready; you'll never look back. When I watched it we blasted the volume nearly to full, and while it was kinda painful during the opening scene where a bizarre high-pitched squeal comes out of the mysterious golden case (pulp fiction anyone?!!) it soon became a mind blowing experience. THX or DTS this is not, but man does it pack a punch. In terms of scenes I was especially fond of the extremely long shot of the gravestone and bank of grass while the two characters explained the storyline. First class. The red ninja trying to jump Harry in his apartment is legendary - he just appears in his cameo ninja suit and mascara instantly and kicks serious ass. Jaguar Wong was also a treble hard bastard. I'd miss-heard his name and thought it was Jaguar One so when I asked my friend where Jaguar Two was near the end I felt like a bit of a moron. Still, I wish Jaguar Wong was my dad.

THIS FILM IS PURE CLASS

A cheap looking idol that splits into three parts grants the bearer immunity to rubber swords of all kinds. But only if he holds all three parts! Actually, it works with just the one bit as demonstrated by one of the mustachioed ninjas midway through the movie which, at a stroke as lethal as any ninjas blade, completely kills the meager plot logic the film has managed to piece together by this point. At first it looks as though the entire film is just going to be people beating each other up in a mall garden but the plot does start to develop towards something like a story later on.

Meanwhile, Jaguar Wong wanders around getting involved with kidnappings and his scheming former lover. Everywhere he goes groups of three or four men attack him feebly providing intermittent filler for the already vague plot.

All this sounds quite reasonable and par for the course but there are some decidedly strange additions. The ninja master uses a cheerful garfield phone for example, the mid-level henchman wears a woman's wig without explanation and the bad guy delivers his messages via cheap kids robot toys that someone must have had to walk right up to the door and place, rendering them less in the ninja style of stealth than say slipping the note under the door.

I got a few laughs out of this movie, it's bad but in a good way. My favourite bit was the way the ninja master was able to completely hide his ninja double wife from his wife whose biggest worry in life is the crabs she's steaming for dinner escaping. Even stopping one escaping by hurling a shuriken across the room doesn't seem to arouse her suspicions!