Universal soldier - Progettati per uccidere

I refer of course to the bit part in two Sabrina the Teenage Witch episodes that constitute the peak of Matt Battaglia's career, prior to, and now that I think about it, even after this 'feature' film is taken into account.

Let's have no mistake here; it truly is appalling. Weapons' grade suckage. It's bad beyond even so-bad-it's-good, because it has absolutely no idea how bad it is. We're talking Nick Fury: Agent of Shield bad, but without the inherent absurdity of David Hasselhoff to raise it up to kitch bad. It just stinks, in every possible way. Let's count the ways, because it beats watching it.

A nominal leading man who has almost no lines in the film, and who spends most of it with his lips pursed like he's just pulled someone's finger and doesn't like the smell.

A bimbo who makes Erika Eleniak's performance in Under Siege look like it deserved an Oscar.

A score that could charitably be called eclectic, although "absolutely bonkers random" might be more appropriate.

A continuation of the random theme into the cinematography and editing. The shots and edits seem have been chosen by spinning the Wheel-O-Film-School-101, with a baffling mix of: slowmo; jump cuts; repeated cuts (showing Van Damme kicking a guy in the head 4 times is one thing; doing it for someone who's just standing up is... bizarre); and most peculiar of all, some PoV shots from unrelated mystery observers.

Gary Busey waddling around like a camp hippopotamus.

Dialog that's half exposition and half filler.

And worst of all, pacing that makes My Dinner With Andre look like Speed.

I could forgive almost everything else, but this movie is just such a pathetically dull, slogging exercise in mediocrity that commenting on it is far more fun than actually watching it. On a scale of American Ninja to American Ninja V, I give this film a rating of "American Ninja 4: The Abomination".

(1998) Universal Soldier II: Brothers In Arms SCIENCE-FICTION ACTION DRAMA/ COMEDY

Continued where the last "Universal Soldier" made for TV left off, with cyborg Luc Devereaux / GR44 (Matt Battaglia) where he's beating another cyborg to death, saving female reporter, Veronica (Chandra West). Meanwhile, discharged soldier, Otto Mazur (Gary Busey) double cross some North Korean officials, killing them off and collecting some diamonds after making them think they were going to be used to buy some 'Universal Soldiers'. We later find out that Luc has an older brother that's being held captive by the facility, to be turned into a Universal soldier, and will eventually going to reunite. Low budget and quite bad with terrible orchestrated action scenes.

I was excited to see there was a Universal Soldier sequel, but I was shocked to see how badly this film was made. Where to start? First of all the acting. Simple Awful. Bad Jokes and poorly acted out characters. Luc's fill in character is nothing compared to Van Damme, and speaks like a country bumpkin. I think the writers of this movie forgot an important part of continuity from the original film - Luc and his parents are French. Second the fight scenes and action. I felt like I was watching a Stone Cold Steve Austin Wrestling match. It's that bloody and it seems like the violence is there just for the sake of being there. The music that accompanies the fight scenes isn't so great either, which leads onto my next point. The selection of music for this film is quite diverse. One minute you think you're watching Forrest Gump and the next you'll think of Nice Inch Nails. Some of the music took away from the suspense and seriousness of certain scenes as well, and was just out of place. All in all, the music was inappropriate for this movie.

Finally, I'd like to close and say that the storyline had a couple of things going for it, such as Luc's older brother returning - this was a very good twist, but as for the rest of the film, it was simply woeful. You best be spending money on the DVD of the original Van Damme film that hit the cinemas.

[Just in case you don't know, this is an 'un-official' sequel to Universal Soldier. The 'proper' sequel is Universal Soldier: The Return.]

To make a decent, or semi-decent action film, a budget is somewhat obligatory. With Universal Soldier II, someone clearly forgot this rule or squandered the whole thing on getting Gary Busey, Jeff Wincott and Burt Reynolds to humiliate themselves. (The lack-of-budget theory is backed up by the end credits which say 'sponsored by Canada' or something equally silly.)

To be fair on the film, some people do look like they're trying. Matt Battaglia looks desperate to pretend he's acting, and the woman has a good go at delivering her dodgy lines. The director appears to have made the most effort by using numerous camera gimmicks to liven up the non-action. Sadly, these gimmicks are off-putting, look stupid and just highlight the boredom of the boring bits (i.e. 90% of the film).

The most enjoyable aspects of the film, were a) Gary Busey (who seems to be developing a very strange vocal problem) acting badly and b) Burt Reynolds (unseen most of the time) putting on the WORST irish accent of all time and also acting very badly.

Seen as a double-bill with Universal Soldier III, and with a healthy dose of alcohol, this could be a good evening's entertainment, but only in a so-bad-it's-actually-bad-but-funny way.

Perhaps a triple-pack of Universal Soldier II, III and 'The Return' could be marketed as some sort of torture weapon.

Now - don't misinterpret the summary. By no means is this a good film, in fact it's far from it. But the point is, Universal Soldier was one of those films where a related sequel seemed impossible. And, thanks to these two TV made efforts and the dire Unisol: The Return, my theory is supported.

Anyway, down to business. This is a movie that should never have been made. Obviously Van Damme, Ally Walker and the other original cast members decided not to be a part of this so the producers brought in total unknowns, a very bad move. Matt Battaglia's acting is awful at the best of times and Chandra West tries way too hard to immitate Ally Walker's brilliant performance from the original film, and fails dismally. Gary Busey, once an awesome actor who nearly killed Martin Riggs and Casey Ryback throws his career away with the worst performance of his career. From Lethal Weapon to this, I can't believe it. I might add as well that he seems to developing a very, very weird vocal problem, it's almost as if he's got nuts stuffed in his cheeks. Burt Reynold's also gives us an appalling display, putting on the worst Irish accent I have ever heard.

The plot is virtually non-existent. In fact, I can't remember what it is actually. The director made a bad decision too by giving the rest of the Unisol's personalities, a feat copied by Mic Rogers for the 'Official' sequel. This basically makes them seem like human soldiers, not the souless, robotic types Roland Emerich created for the first movie which made it so believable.

I could go on forever, but I won't and will instead list the positive aspects. This film knocks spots off Universal Soldier: The Return as it at least tries to relate itself to the original. Starting with the head pieces, the leg implants, the heat monitor watch, Dr Gregor, Luc's parents and the laboratory in the truck (albeit a tiny, non-expanding one).

As I said, Universal Soldier is a film that cannot really be continued, and to be honest this film got as close as anyone could - presumably the action is continuing from where the first film left off, with Luc and Veronica still on the run.

So, the conclusion. This is a bad film. There is only one explosion and out of the two big name actors, they both give diabolical performances. However, in comparison to the Van Damme sequel, it really isn't that bad and any fan of JCVD or Unisol's should at least watch it once. 4 out of 10.