Rancid Aluminium

Where do you begin with a movie as bad as this?

Do you mention the cast of unlikeable heroes? The over-the-top acting? The dreadful script?

No. You just say that anyone who pays money to see a film as poor as this needs their head looking at. I know I do. I respect those poor guys who saw it with little or no advance word from mags like Empire (usually a bad sign if a preview copy isn't available to the quality movie mags). However, cinemas really should start thinking about giving out refunds if the customer isn't happy with the finished product.

I went three days after it opened with two other mates. The only other person in the cinema was one bloke on his own.

And that was on cheap night.

Either the ad campaign had failed dismally or word had spread through most of the country of just what a stinker this is.

Not since the days of The Avengers (1998) have I felt so short changed since watching a movie. If a mate comes round with this on video in a few months make sure he pays your electricity bill while watching it.

Tara Fitzgerald deserves an award for not cracking up - or walking off the set; Keith Allen retains some dignity amid the cinematic carnage; Barry Foster should have been arrested on the set for his performance, Rhys Ifans does his career no favours after the success of Notting Hill and only Dani Behr is halfway likeable as a busty secretary.

Mind you, considering she used to be in The Word, any viewers' expectations of her acting ability had to be pretty low to begin with.

The production values aren't bad considering the obviously limited budget but that script is atrocious. If you want to hear a bunch of unlikeable characters say "Fak!" for a couple of hours then this should be right up your street.

Otherwise, bargepoles required.

First of all, I should've known better than to go to see a film that was being flyposted around London with a recommendation from The Daily Star emblazoned at the top of it. Second of all, the only reason I went at all was because my girlfriend was in a post-Shakespeare In Love Joseph Fiennes phase.

And oh dear god it's bad. It doesn't help that it makes absolutely no sense, mainly due to some of the most jarring cuts I've ever seen outside a GCSE film project. One scene in particular threw me entirely when Rhys Ifans' character was in London one minute, being vaguely threatened by some cliched heavy, but once I'd glanced away for a second (probably checking my watch) I looked up to find that he was suddenly in Russia, being sneered at by some different cliched heavies. Elsewhere the editing is seriously misguided - several times the film lingers on pointless scenes featuring female flesh, while seemingly integral plot points are rushed through, patched together unsatisfactorily by a hammy voiceover.

Both Fiennes and Ifans - actors I rate - are quite terrible, but words can only hint at how appalling Steven Berkoff is in this film. He pretty much only says one word (several times) - "Beeeeeeeezneeeeeeesss", and every time he did I couldn't help but think that he was gradually making his villain in Rambo 3 seem like an acting tour de force.

I've never once walked out on a film before. I'm clearly too stubborn - we were the only two people that DIDN'T walk out at the screening we attended. Comfortably the worst film I have ever paid so endure.

Pete Thompson's father dies and leaves him the whole business. However his friend and business accountant, Sean Deeny, reveals that the business is in major trouble with the taxman. To get past the problem Sean and Pete go into business with the Russian mafia. However Pete has other plans to get rich, while Sean just wants to have kids and have a quiet life.

In the past few years the spate of British gangster films has been very much one of copies of `Lock Stock' etc. Some of them manage to be different and clever enough to work, but many are poor copies that lack any style or substance. Unfortunately for my evening, Rancid Aluminium falls within the latter category. The plotting is very poor, it is rambling and has nothing resembling tension or gripping narrative. In essence it is a short film with all the scenes stretched out to longer than they can sustain. The end result is a loose mess of a plot that doesn't really hang together at all.

The film can't manage the style of Lock, Stock – instead it feels forced, maybe this was the director's first film – it certain feels like he is trying to impress someone with old ideas that are fresh to him. The script also fails to really bring any characters out, instead they are pretty much all flat clichés. Now, I know the same is true of those in Lock, Stock and Snatch, but at least these had some redemption by being funny and tongue in cheek at points. Here that is pretty much not the case with any of the characters. Ifans makes good effort but is hampered by the script, he is the best of a poor bunch. Fiennes is awful, no sooner had he got the perfect career springboard in `Shakespeare in Love' then he does this. His accent is awful and his overall performance is weak. Fitzgerald, Frost and Behr all just line up to be naked and have their sex scenes. It is slightly degrading to see the film be so unimaginative that it just has regular sex scenes to keep the audience interested. Berkoff and Allen are hammy and pretty pointless.

Overall this film has few if any redeeming qualities. Any it does have are because it copied it from other, better films. It is full of nonsense that the director mistook for style or modern wit. A real waste of time and effort.

This is a film that had a lot to live down to . on the year of its release legendary film critic Barry Norman considered it the worst film of the year and I'd heard nothing but bad things about it especially a plot that was criticised for being too complicated

To be honest the plot is something of a red herring and the film suffers even more when the word " plot " is used because as far as I can see there is no plot as such . There's something involving Russian gangsters , a character called Pete Thompson who's trying to get his wife Sarah pregnant , and an Irish bloke called Sean . How they all fit into something called a " plot " I'm not sure . It's difficult to explain the plots of Guy Ritchie films but if you watch any of his films I'm sure we can all agree that they all posses one no matter how complicated they may seem on first viewing . Likewise a James Bond film though the plots are stretched out with action scenes . You will have a serious problem believing RANCID ALUMINIUM has any type of central plot that can be cogently explained

Taking a look at the cast list will ring enough warning bells as to what sort of film you'll be watching . Sadie Frost has appeared in some of the worst British films made in the last 15 years and she's doing nothing to become inconsistent . Steven Berkoff gives acting a bad name ( and he plays a character called Kant which sums up the wit of this movie ) while one of the supporting characters is played by a TV presenter presumably because no serious actress would be seen dead in this

The only good thing I can say about this movie is that it's utterly forgettable . I saw it a few days ago and immediately after watching I was going to write a very long a critical review warning people what they are letting themselves in for by watching , but by now I've mainly forgotten why . But this doesn't alter the fact that I remember disliking this piece of crap immensely

I'm often amused, and sometimes amazed, at the negative reviews given for films which I enjoyed, and where I think the reviewers missed the point of the whole thing. This was roundly criticized by several reviewers who evaluated it entirely as an attempt at serious action/drama, and overlooked the satire and tongue-in-cheek nature of the whole thing. The story was not only unbelievable, but fantastic. The characterization were shallow because they are caricatures; the bumbling son and heir, his avaricious and disloyal "friend" and partner who engages in an absurdly elaborate scheme to gain control of his business; the type cast Russian "Mafioso," their "femme fatale," whose bizarre actions go beyond the absurd. I think the scenario where our hero tries to establish an airtight alibi by producing a condom with DNA material from both him and her (despite the fact he could have produced the real thing a few hours earlier) is one of the funniest sequences I've ever seen in a movie. Lighten up out there! You missed a very funny movie.