Vampire on Bikini Beach

...the worst movie I've ever seen.

It's not even mock-worthy.

The bad music, bad sound, bad singing, bad dubbing, bad acting, bad storyline, bad sets, embarrassingly bad dialogue...who ever thought this should be made?

I've always been a connoisseur of bad movies (Caged Fury, Vampire Lovers), and I thought this would be good for laughs. As we watched it, my husband leaned over and said - for the first time after eight years of watching bad movies with me - that I owed him big for this one.

This is the first comment I've ever posted on IMDb, and I am doing it specifically to warn people not to waste their time. There are dozens of fun B movies that are a blast if seen with the right people - this is not one of them.

Well, there were vampires and there were plenty of bikinis, so I suppose the film did deliver what the title promised. If you are not into 80s nostalgia, you'll find this tale of teenagers finding a "Book of the Dead" and uncovering a vampire cult ridiculous and unwatchable. The film did capture the vibe of the 1980s pretty well, with tons of 80s hair, music, fashion, and, as you'd expect, bikinis, so I did enjoy the film for nostalgia value and that's really the only reason to watch. Overall, as a proud member of gen-x, the retro nostalgia was enough to hold my interest in this amateurishly made low budget horror/comedy, but certainly do not go into this film expecting "The Lost Boys."

This movie not only looks dated, but it actually looks older than 1988 considering Star Wars was made a decade earlier back in late 70s. And the beach sequences are far and too few in between with most of the action happening in clubs, restaurants, clothing stores, and dark hallways. It is easy to see why these kids are frustrated since they are left with the lame music to listen to in an era rich in music legends. This movie would have been better titled "Beach kids go to Halloween."

First off, I don't know what film "Brandon Sites" is talking about, but it's not this one because there's no supermodel T&A or even regular gal T&A (ok, maybe one brief "A" shot) anywhere to be found in this movie...that would at least make this somewhat redeemable.

Instead, this is a done on the cheap effort, with lots of master-shots and actors who were probably attending those kind of acting classes that met in vacant storefronts at strip-malls. The film tries to be a slightly-comedic horror beach-blanket-teen flick, but managing to blend all those genres' together successfully is far beyond the talents on display here. This particular kind of comedy melding teen humor and horror wouldn't be perfected and come to fruition for another decade or so, until Buffy The Vampire Slayer (the TV series) finally figured out how to make it work without causing unintended laughter and cringe-worthiness.

About the only positive thing I can say about this is it does have a few nice beach scenes, if that's what you're looking for. Also, it has some really atrocious 80's pastel clothing and big hairstyles on display, so that's worth a few guffaws right there. But if it's horror, comedy, or anything else (like decent T&A) you're after, you'll be sorely disappointed. I usually say any film is deserving of a release on DVD, but in this case I'll make an exception and say don't waste a disc on this.

Vampires on Bikini Beach (1988) - This is a low-budget horror movie that flew so far under my radar when it was made I don't remember even hearing or seeing the title. I must have been on a date or sleeping when Gilbert Gottfried showed it on USA's Up All Night in the early 1990s.

I totally stumbled across it last night by surfing on Tubi. TV, and figured it was worth a whirl.

And it was. Seriously. You can believe all of the scathing reviews and warnings to "avoid it at all costs." Or you can check it out for yourself on Tubi. TV for free. For me, it was just fine.

Cinematic brilliance? Hey, come on. We're talking a micro-budget horror film from the 1980s involving a vampire and a beach filled with girls in bikinis who have never acted before.

Let's just say, I found it likeable, from the goofy-looking vampire and his cohorts, to all of the main characters. Especially one. But I'll talk about her in a few... The gist is that a group of fun-loving girls meet these guys in an 80s rock band that plays in a nightclub.

The lead singer, Bob (Stephen Matthews), hooks up with Kim (Nancy Rogers), while the drummer, known as Weird Harold (Todd Kaufman), digs Judy (Jennifer Badham). Clarke (Amanda Hughes) and Wynette (Jennifer Jostyn) are two other chicks in their group who don't have guys, but they hang around a lot.

These are not good times in this Venice, California. There have been killings of young girls, who are found with bite marks on their necks and their bodies drained of blood. Naturally, the rumor is that there is a vampire on loose.

It's not a rumor. It's true.

Falto (Mariusz Olbrychowski) is an ancient vampire who has a coven of cultists, led by bizarre-looking Demos (William Hoo). Falto is tired of eternal life, and wants to find a girl who will love him for eternity, and drive the stake of love through him. Weird concept, but whatever.

When our likeable young friends randomly come into the possession of a manuscript the cult had called "Book of the Dead," it brings them all together in a crazy concoction of music, drinking, bikini wearing, flirting, love making, demonology, blood sucking and murder.

I'll admit, it's a messy story. I kind of lost track on where A was supposed to lead directly to B. But I really didn't care. There is a basic plot that you can follow, and it has a satisfactory ending.

Plus, it has Nancy Rogers.

Who is Nancy Rogers? I had no idea until I watched this movie. And sadly, I'll never see her again, because this is apparently the only film she ever appeared in.

Rogers reminded me both facially and vocally of an actress from the early 1970s named Joy Bang. Joy Bang did some TV work, before hitting the silver screen. She was in eight movies, only two of which can be described as "horror" movies - Night of the Cobra Woman and Messiah of Evil. But she knocked me out in both of them with her cuteness and quirkiness.

Joy Bang's movie career lasted just four years, before she went on to other things. It's too bad. I think she could have made a memorable screen queen.

As for this movie, I'm good with it. If you love low-budget, probably flawed, but enthusiastically-acted movies, I'm sure you'll be fine as well.