- Red Forman: When my time comes I want to be buried face down. That way whoever doesn't like me can kiss my ass.
- Jackie Burkhardt: Well, I have a date too.
- Michael Kelso: Who is he? What's his name?
- Jackie Burkhardt: His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every single conceivable way.
- Michael Kelso: DAMN, JACKIE. THAT COULD BE ANYBODY.
- [Donna and Kelso are hiding under a bed]
- Donna Pinciotti: Is that your hand on my ass?
- Michael Kelso: It was an accident.
- Donna Pinciotti: Kelso, your hand's still on my ass.
- Michael Kelso: IT'S STILL AN ACCIDENT.
- Red Forman: What have I said about comparing your sister to the Devil?
- Eric: That it's offensive to the Devil?
- Red Forman: [to Eric] So, this is how an immature, engaged, high school dumbass, with no car, no job, and no money trims the hedges.
- Steven Hyde: That was like eight burns in one sentence.
- Donna Pinciotti: An octo-burn. Let's get outta here.
- Eric: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.
- Red Forman: Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you? is because you're a dumbass.
- [on Kitty's mother-in-law]
- Kitty Forman: Red's mother is coming.
- Midge Pinciotti: What's that pet name she has for you?
- Kitty Forman: Whore.
- Kitty Forman: I need someone who can take evil
- [Laurie walks in]
- Kitty Forman: How's mama's girl? I have a job for you.
- Laurie Forman: Not interested.
- Kitty Forman: It pays 10 dollars.
- Laurie Forman: I'll do anything for ten dollars.
- Kitty Forman: For once that's a good thing.
- Red Forman: [Red and Eric are in the car almost late for work at Pricemart]
- [to Eric]
- Red Forman: You need to grow up and learn some responsibility.
- Eric: I love you too, Dad.
- Red Forman: What? Stop being weird.
- Eric: Thanks.
- Donna Pinciotti: [on the California beach] I miss Eric. That guy even looks like Eric.
- [Double take]
- Donna Pinciotti: Eric? Oh my God, Eric!
- Eric: [Looking around Kelso's van, he turns sharp at Donna's voice] Donna!
- [They run to each other in slow motion, Kelso tries to run along side Donna, but Donna pushes him down; they stop short of each other, just staring deeply into each other's eyes for a long moment and then... Kelso tackles Donna, wrestling her to the ground. Incredulous]
- Eric: Kelso, what the Hell are you doing?
- Michael Kelso: Winning!
- [Donna gets free, stands up and kicks Kelso in the side, then returns to looking at Eric]
- Donna Pinciotti: Eric... I can't believe you came for me.
- Eric: Of course I did. Donna... Donna I love you. And I... I...
- [he can't find the words]
- Donna Pinciotti: [Steps forward and kisses him passionately]
- Michael Kelso: You guys can smooch all you want, I totally won!
- [walks off]
- Michael Kelso: Guess who made out with Pam Macey behind the gym!
- Steven Hyde: Anyone with a quarter?
- Michael Kelso: Me!
- Fez: Damn, and I had a quarter!
- Eric: [badly hungover] My head hurts.
- Red Forman: That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.
- Red Forman: Forman, party of two.
- Restaurant Hostess: Okey dokey, that'll be about two hours.
- Red Forman: Here's twenty bucks.
- Restaurant Hostess: Okay we'll have something in fifteen minutes.
- Red Forman: You don't want this place to burn down twice do you?
- Restaurant Hostess: Okay we have something right now.
- Red Forman: I thought so. Well, it looks like it's our lucky night.
- Michael Kelso: I miss Eric.
- Jackie Burkhardt: Well, you still have me.
- Michael Kelso: It's not the same, Jackie. I can talk to Eric about things that I can't talk about with you.
- Jackie Burkhardt: Okay, well like what?
- Michael Kelso: Well, for instance, the annoying things you do.
- Jackie Burkhardt: Michael.
- Michael Kelso: See, I can't talk to you.
- Steven Hyde: Guys, can we do something besides cruise? That's the third time tonight we've driven by that house.
- Michael Kelso: I know what we could do. We could go skinny dipping.
- [everyone looks at him]
- Michael Kelso: Naked! That's the way God intended.
- Jackie Burkhardt: No way.
- Michael Kelso: Why not? It'd be fun.
- Donna Pinciotti: Sure, it's fun for you guys, 'cause you can look at us, and that's a treat. But we just look at you. And that's nasty.
- Eric: So, you don't want to do it?
- Donna Pinciotti: Well... I don't care. I'll do it.
- Eric: You... Okay, I'm in.
- Fez: Naked is dirty.
- [singing]
- Fez: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
- All: Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty.
- Jackie Burkhardt: [the screen flips. Everyone is in the car, naked] This was such a great idea, Michael. This was so much fun. Oh, wait, except for the part when our clothes got stolen, you idiot!
- Steven Hyde: By the way, Fez, nice tattoo, man.
- Fez: Thank you. It is the Blessed Virgin of Yorba Linda. Do you want to see her dance?
- All: No!
- Eric: Guys, we need a plan. I'm not driving up to the house with a car full of naked people. Red hates you guys when you're dressed.
- Steven Hyde: We can go to my house.
- Michael Kelso: Yeah, your mom's used of having naked guys around.
- Steven Hyde: She's not even home, you moron!
- [Hyde punches Kelso on the shoulder]
- Fez: Put on the top forty.
- [Fez reaches over for the radio]
- Steven Hyde: Whoa, sit down, Fez! I see London, I see Besticle!
- Fez: Well, what do you want me to do about it?
- Steven Hyde: I don't know. Tuck it in!
- Red: Nothing around this house is cheap.
- Eric: Except for Laurie.
- Laurie Forman: I am not cheap!
- Eric: Free, whatever.
- Fez: I have a question Hyde. How much masturbation is too much?
- Steven Hyde: There's no such thing as too much, Fez.
- Jackie Burkhardt: Eric, no offense, I know she's your sister, but Laurie is such a whore.
- Eric: Jackie, not since the "Smokey and the Bandit" debate, are you and I so on the same page.
- Donna Pinciotti: Me too.
- Steven Hyde: Hear hear.
- Fez: Yes.
- Jackie Burkhardt: Oh, my God. You all hate Laurie?
- [Everyone nods]
- Jackie Burkhardt: I don't believe this. You all hate Laurie, and love me.
- Steven Hyde: ...We all hate Laurie, all right.
- Red: [after Eric refused to be Donna's boyfriend again] Let me get this straight - Donna told you she wanted to get back together and you said NO?
- Eric: I said no.
- Red: What the Hell is wrong with you?
- Kitty Forman: Dumbass!
- [Red looks at Kitty in surprise]
- Eric: Look, I have my reasons, okay?
- Red: What the Hell could they possibly be?
- Eric: Casey dumps Donna and then Donna comes running back to ME? Look, I'm not a rebound, All right?
- Red: You're too PROUD to take her back? What exactly do you have to be proud OF? You're not an athelete! The only thing smart about you is your mouth! And, well... look at you!
- Michael Kelso: [wearing Eric's pants] Well, the joke's on you, Eric. I'm wearing your pants, and I'm not wearing any underwear.
- Eric: Kelso, the last time I wore those pants, I wasn't wearing any underwear.
- Michael Kelso: [pulling off pants] Well played.
- [Eric catches his parents having sex, and they find out]
- Kitty Forman: Red, say something.
- Red Forman: It's more fun than it looks.
- Red Forman: What are you doing here?
- Michael Kelso: The explanation is in the note.
- Red Forman: [reading the note] Dear Red, we would like for you to give Michael thirty dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents.
- [Kitty laughs hysterically, and leaves the room]
- Red Forman: Well, you made her laugh, that's worth at least thirty bucks.
- [Gives Kelso the money]
- Kitty Forman: I have bad news. Midge left Bob.
- Eric: Are you sure? I mean, she could just be lost in the backyard.
- [the guys are high in Eric's basement]
- Steven Hyde: I read somewhere that people in India fast, man. And, that it makes them think better. And, sometimes they can actually think themselves to death, man.
- Michael Kelso: I wonder if that's what I'm doing right now? Sometimes my brain is doing things that I don't even know about.
- Eric: Man, we think of some great stuff down here. But, later on I can never remember it.
- Pastor Dave: Ok, Laurie, let's see what you have.
- Laurie Forman: [Laurie slowly puts three cards down one at a time while smiling and glaring at Dave]
- Pastor Dave: Six... six... six... Oh, well thank you for the wonderful evening! I'll see you at church!
- Donna Pinciotti: You have the van. We want to go home.
- Michael Kelso: Na-ah! I can't leave Annette. I love her.
- Eric: No, you don't.
- Michael Kelso: I love parts of her.
- Fez: Eric, what do you want to call it when you want to stick two pieces of wood together?
- Eric: I think you'd call it "nailing", Fez. Just like Kelso nailed Hyde's sister.
- Steven Hyde: How long have you two been planning that line out?
- Eric: For about as long as it took Kelso to nail your sister.
- Michael Kelso: I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.
- Donna Pinciotti: Um, that's not how evolution works.
- Michael Kelso: Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.
- Steven Hyde: Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.
- [Jackie is beating up Laurie after one insult too many]
- Donna Pinciotti: Whatever happened to Zen?
- Steven Hyde: Where Zen ends, ass-kicking begins.
- Jackie Burkhardt: You're coming over to my house tonight. And we're gonna... "study".
- Michael Kelso: Come on. I never get to do anything fun.
- Steven Hyde: God, you're dumb.
- Michael Kelso: Well I guess that's why I gotta go "STUDY".
- Donna: If you keep stuffing your face like this your gonna get...
- Jackie Burkhardt: Don't you dare say it, you bitch!
- Donna: Fat!
- Eric: Donna can't be smarter than me because I'm the man, and that's just the way it is.
- Kitty Forman: Well, I do better on tests than your father, but he's the one brave enough to kill spiders. And since we've been married how many tests have I taken? None. How many spiders have your father killed? Hundreds.
- Eric: But, Mom... SPIDERS FREAK ME OUT.
- Kitty Forman: I really doubt that she's jsut abandoning Stephen, I mean, she's his mother.
- Eric: Mom, her exact words were "I know I'm your mother but I'm abandoning you."