Friends & Lovers

So cliched stupid, that even the nudity fails. The capping scene when the father and son let it all hang out and bury their emotional hatchets into your poor headached viewer skull, while a string quartet nearly drowns the dialogue, is offensively bad in the offensively bad extreme. This is one of those movies where you can tell everyone onscreen is having the time of their lives, and that fact all the more irritates you because you are being tortured while they are up there making merry millions. Whose son or nephew is George Haas for pete's sake?

There are some good things and bad things in this movie. The worst is probably Stephen Baldwin, the least talented of the Baldwin brothers, and that's a low bar indeed. Robert Downey Jr. was also insufferable, and I'm not even criticizing the accent. George Newbern was decent, as was Claudia Schiffer, a non-actress. Impressive were the performances of Alison Eastwood and Suzanne Cryer. There are worse ways to spend 1 3/4 hours.

I rented this flick on the strength of Neil Barry's nude scene. I had a silly crush on him from OC & Stiggs, a terrible Altman film from 1985. I ran across a full frontal nude shot of Barry on the Web and it mentioned Friends and Lovers as the source. The image was so odd, Barry brazenly naked, except for a heavy winter coat and surrounded by snow and a Baldwin. This wasn't some sideways dark shot, grainy screen grab. I'm talking 'Blueboy Hits the Slopes - Special Issue' quality shot. What the heck? He's not much to look at now, but I had to know how any American movie worked in such blatant full-frontal male nudity. Dear god, I have paid for my sins. This was one of the worst pieces of thrash I've ever seen. Long story short- There is a juvenile discussion of the characters penis that makes the girls all twitter. Then, continuing in the cheesy-teen flick vein (mind you, all these folks are in their 30's), The Baldwin tries to get the girls to strip for the Jacuzzi which leads to, 'Boys first! No Girls First!' Then the boys concede and Barry drops his towel to show off his healthy endowment. The girls all run away, supposedly never having seen a penis of any size before. When The Baldwin complains, Barry gets to smirk and say, 'It was your idea, dude.' Gee, why did the screenwriter think it was necessary to ask an actor to do a full frontal shot? Did they place an ad in Variety looking for well hung actors? Did Barry have to 'measure up' at the screen-test? And I wonder if Barry was comfortable with such exposure as it was completely irrelevant to his character. Oh, wait! Barry was the co-screenwriter on this crap! So that means the writer/actor actually wrote in a scene where he gets to expose himself and show the world what a big wiener he has. Lord knows that Hollywood is just a big tinkling contest but to actually write a scene for your own exhibitionist tendencies is too weird.

I didn't think this was such a bad movie. I've certainly seen worse. As for Robert Downey Jr.'s accent, it was supposed to be bad (his character was from New Jersey!). I like Danny Nucci, and I wish I could see him get better roles. All in all, I think this is a fair movie. 5/10

With a cast like this, you figure the film shouldn't be that bad, but believe me it is. The cast are fighting a losing battle from the start, Robert Downey Jr, should kick himself for getting wrapped up in this film, and as for his accent, the Bavarians have probably put a Fatwa out on him. Claudia Schiffer, shows some potential, but the gag that she falls for a guy with the line "Have you ever considered being a model?" is so thin, it makes Twiggy look over weight. Alison Eastwood also shows potential, but again drowns in the watery story. If this was a kids report card, the phrase 'Can do much better' would be the the one that stands out