- Richie: [dictating the end of a letter to the Queen] Hey Eddie, SWALK
- Eddie: SWALK?
- Richie: Sealed With a Loving Kiss
- Eddie: Well what about NORWICH?
- Richie: Sealed with a loving Norwich?
- Eddie: Nah, nah. Knockers Out Ready When I Come Home
- Richie: Yeah, but shouldn't Knockers be spelt with a K?
- Eddie: Knorwich?
- Richie: Of Course! I'm so stupid! That must be where the soup comes from. God I love that advert; 'K-norr! They've got the K-know-how!'
- Eddie: Yea, what they really k-need is a good k-nick up the k-nackers.
- [pause]
- Eddie: [ad-libs] Got it! Oxford United!
- Richie: Oxford United? Oh, that's a new one Eddie
- Eddie: Yes, give me a second
- Richie: [taunting] yes, come on, O-X-F
- Eddie: Yes, I thought I had it a minute ago
- Richie: Yes, tick tock, tick tock...
- Eddie: Yes, here it comes... OI! Xylophone Fancying Old Regina, Deserves Unusual Nine-Inch Todger. Excited Darling?
- Richie: [In prison] Oh! Eddie! What should we do to pass the time?
- heckler: Have a wank!
- [Audience applauds]
- Richie: Hey! Eddie, I know...
- Eddie: NO!
- Richie: Alright! Sorry!
- [Rik Mayall breaks character]
- Richie: HAVE A WANK! YEAH!
- [Audience applauds]
- Richie: Rather a sophisticated Oxford.
- Eddie: Yeah!
- Richie: [Abusing the audience] HAVE A WANK, PROFESSOR! AH! YEAH! The only every thing to do was to caught a fucking bus.
- [Auidence applauds. Rik gives the audience the screw you gesture]
- Eddie: [Ade stays in character] Are you finished, now? It's just that I am beginning to wonder why Steven Fry fucked off.
- [Rik laughs and audience applauds. Rik gets on his knees and bows down before Ade]
- Eddie: .
- [Eddie with his pistol walks up to the parrot in its cage]
- Eddie: I know what you're thinking parrot. You're thinking how many shots did I fire back there in Act 2, Scene 1? Well to tell you the truth in all the excitement of Richie forgetting his fucking lines, I've kind of forgotten myself. So, Parrot, do you feel lucky? Come on, make my day
- Parrot: You already fired six you big fat bastard
- Eddie: That's right!
- [Shoots the parrot six times]
- Eddie: But I fucking reloaded!
- Richie: I don't believe it! We've won the Lottery!
- Eddie: [returns through the window] We've what?
- Richie: Oh you're back aren't you? Oh yes, on sniff of ginger and your knickers are around your ankles
- Eddie: Still talking bollocks, that's my twat
- [pats Richie on the back]
- Richie: Is it? What's it doing on my back? It's feeling all sticky!
- Richie: What were the charges again?
- Eddie: Attempted asphyxiation of the entire population of West London, detonation 400lbs of Semtex under contravention of the Anti-Terrorist act. Attempted regicide, Arson, causing an affray, and wiggling our todgers at the Queen.
- Richie: So, its a first offence. I mean talk about Draconian!
- Eddie: I can't, I dunno what it means.
- Richie: [tries slamming a door shut several times, but it always opens. He points and talks to it] Listen you, you're just a door. I'm Rik fucking Mayall!
- [slams it shut]
- Richie: So Eddie, what's the rollover Jackpot figure for this week?
- Eddie: One pound.
- Richie: ONE BLOODY PPpppppffffff... pound?
- Eddie: Yes, you see the fiendish flaw in our masterplan was, that being the only people who read, or have ever read, the Hammersmith Bugle, we were of course the only people who'd buy a fucking Lottery ticket!
- Richie: One pound?
- Eddie: ...ish. You see, after Admin costs, and a donation to charity, we actually only come out with 5p. And we've just 10p on the phonecall finding that out.
- Richie: So having won, we're now 5 pence down on the deal?
- Eddie: Yes that's right, well done.
- Richie: Well, it's a result Eddie!
- Eddie: Yes! yes it's er... it's a crap result!
- Eddie: Hey, my Great Uncle was in the Great War
- Richie: What do mean 'Great War', there aren't any great wars, they're all frightful
- Eddie: Alright he was in the crap war!
- Richie: Wow! The crap war! Far out! Which side was he on?
- Eddie: Both
- Richie: Wow!
- Eddie: Well it depended on which diretion he was facing at the time y'know. Had an incy wincy little bit of a drink problem. He took out a machine-gun nest single-handly!
- Richie: Did he?
- Eddie: But they made him bring it back, he was trying to flog it to the Germans
- Richie: Hey, wasn't he the last bloke shot before the Armistace?
- Eddie: Yes, that's right. Just fired off a few rounds in celebration but... stupid twat had his gun the wrong way round. Oh, they don't make 'em like Great Uncle Susan anymore.
- Richie: That's marvellous stuff Eddie, but, what the fuck's it got to do with anything?
- Eddie: I know what you're thinking, parrot. You're thinking how many shots did I fire? Back there in Act 2, Scene 1. Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement of Richie forgetting must of his fucking lines, I've kind of forgotten myself. So, parrot. Do you feel lucky? Come on, make my day!
- Parrot: You fired 6, you big fat bastard!
- Eddie: That's right!
- Eddie: [Shoots parrot] Well! I fucking reloaded!
- Richie: [Richie is dictating a letter to the Queen, while Eddie writes] Dear, Mr Queen.
- Eddie: "Dear, Mr Queen."
- Richie: I'm appealing to you as an old soldier.
- Eddie: What do you mean "old soldier"?
- Richie: Eddie, do you remember the Blitz?
- Eddie: How could I forget? I couldn't go upstairs for a week!
- Richie: Not that Blitz! I'm not talking about the aftermath of your one and only cooking experiment.
- Eddie: Was brilliant though wasn't it? Gasoline, Egg and sprout, triple strength, Curry surprise.
- Richie: Certainly was a bloody surprise!
- Eddie: Was when you blew down the bathroom door. I thought the French were testing another device in your underpants!
- [both laugh]
- Richie: Oh, great days!
- Eddie: Oh, great days!
- Richie: But how are we going to make sure the Queen falls in love with me?
- Eddie: [confident] Well, that's just so simple, Richie!
- Richie: [flattered] It is?
- Eddie: Well, I mean, look at you, Richie, I mean, look at you! All you've gotta do, right? All you've gotta do is go round... and kill everybody else in the world! Then wait 20 years till she's either dead or desperate!
- Richie: ...its just me and The Nolans... Oh collette! colleen... er, Patrick... Paddy? Oh who cares about your names, it's the jugs that count! I'm in the mood - for a great big slice of skin-driven, purple-veined, purple-headed RAM ATTACK! Come and get it!