- [Miguel and Tulio are stranded in the boat, together with Altivo]
- Miguel: Tulio, did you ever imagine it would end like this?
- Tulio: The horse is a surprise...
- Miguel: Any... regrets?
- Tulio: You mean besides dying? Yeah. I never... had enough... gold.
- Miguel: My regret, besides dying is... our greatest adventure is over before it began, and no one will even remember us.
- Tulio: Well, if it's any consolation, Miguel, you... made my life... an adventure.
- Miguel: And if it's any consolation, Tulio, you made my life... rich.
- Miguel: Altivo! Hey, Altivo! You want the nice apple? Come and get it! But, you have to do a trick for me first! All you have to do, is find a pry bar. It's a long piece of metal with a hooky thing at the end.
- Tulio: Miguel, you're talking to a horse!
- Miguel: Yes, that's it Altivo. Find the pry bar!
- Tulio: Yes, "find the pry bar". He doesn't understand "pry bar"! He's a dumb horse, there's no way he could understand...
- [Altivo drops keys into the brig]
- Tulio: Well... it's *not* a pry bar.
- Tulio: Miguel, you know that little voice people have that tells them to quit when they're ahead? You don't have one!
- Cortes: [Miguel and Tulio have been brought to Cortes, having been discovered hiding on his ship] My crew was chosen as carefully as the Disciples of Christ, and I will not tolerate stowaways. You will be flogged. And when we put in to Cuba to resupply, *God willing*, you will be flogged some more. And then enslaved on the sugar plantations for the rest of your miserable lives. To the brig!
- Miguel: [obllvious] All right... Cuba!
- Tzekel-Kan: I know what you are, and I know what you are not. And you are *not* Gods!
- Tulio: You're not a God? You lied to me? How dare you!
- Miguel: [to Tzekel-Kan] Hey, it was *his* stupid plan!
- Tulio: *My* plan was that we should *lie low*! But *your* plan was to run off! And be all, "Oh, look at me, look at me, I'm a God!"
- Miguel: That's not true!
- Tulio: No? Who are you kidding? You're buying your own con!
- Miguel: At least I'm not *dating* mine!
- Tulio: I...! Oo, low blow. Listen, mister high-and-mighty, we'd both be sailing out of here with a mountain of gold if you had *just listened* to me!
- Miguel: Well, now you have all the precious gold *and* Chel! So what do you need *me* for?
- [pushes Tulio]
- Tulio: [pushing back] Well, maybe I *don't* need you anymore!
- Miguel: Fine! So why don't you just *go* back to Spain, and I'll stay here, and we'll *both* get what *we* want!
- Tulio: That's fine with me, pal!
- Miguel: *Fine* with me too!
- Tulio: Fine!
- Tulio, Miguel: All RIGHT!
- [they both punch Tzekel-kan]
- [Tzekel-Kan is about to perform a human sacrifice]
- Tulio: [in an undertone to Miguel] I don't like this.
- Miguel: Tulio, we've got to do something!
- [Tzekel-Kan raises his axe]
- Tulio: Stop! This is not a proper tribute!
- [Miguel catches the intended victim and drags him away from the cliff edge]
- Tzekel-Kan: [confused] You do not want the tribute?
- Miguel: No no, we want tribute, it's just that, um... Tulio, tell him.
- Tulio: The stars are not in position for this tribute!
- Miguel: Like he said! Stars!... Can't do it... Not today.
- Miguel: [realizing the beach they've landed on leads to El Dorado] Tulio! Tulio, we've done it!
- Tulio: Is that the map?
- Miguel: It's all right here!
- Tulio: [in disbelief] You *still* have the *map*?
- Miguel: The whistling rock! The stream!
- Tulio: [annoyed] You kept the map but you couldn't manage to grab a little more FOOD?
- Miguel: Even those mountains! You said it yourself, it could be possible, and it is! It really *is* the map to El Dorado!
- [a beat]
- Tulio: You drank sea water, didn't you?
- Miguel: Oh, come on!
- Tulio: I'm not coming on!
- Tulio: [Miguel and Tulio are staging a swordfight to escape] I will give you the honor of a quick and painless death.
- [grabs tiny dagger, looks at it]
- Tulio: But not with that. I prefer to fight fairly!
- [grabs rapier and slides it against Miguel's sword]
- Tulio: Any last words?
- Miguel: I will cut you to ribbons!
- Tulio: Fool! Such mediocrity! Let your *sword* do the talking!
- Miguel: I will, it will be loquacious to a fault!
- [they continue fighting]
- Miguel: You fight like my sister!
- Tulio: I've fought your sister. That's a compliment.
- Miguel: [Tulio is banging his head against the wall in the brig] So how's the, uh... how's the escape plan coming?
- Tulio: [Tulio stops banging his head] Wait! I'm getting something!
- [pauses, then goes back to banging his head on the wall]
- Tulio: All right. Here's the plan. In the dead of night, you and I grab some provisions, hijack one of those... one of those longboats... and then, we... row back to Spain like there's no mañana!
- Miguel: [pauses] Back to Spain, yeah?
- Tulio: Yeah.
- Miguel: [uncertainly] In... a rowboat.
- Tulio: Yeah!
- Miguel: [sarcastically] Great. Sensational. That's your plan, is it?
- Tulio: That's... pretty much it, yeah.
- Miguel: [delighted] Well, I like it! So, how do we get on deck?
- Tulio: [pauses, deep breath] In the dead of night, you and I grab some provisions, hijack one of those... longboats...
- Miguel: [realizing Tulio doesn't have a plan] Oh, great.
- Tulio: [They fall off a cliff and find a stone slab with an etching of the gods, surrounded by mist] Miguel, wake up. We found it!
- Miguel: We did? Where?
- Tulio: Here.
- Miguel: What, behind the rock?
- Tulio: Nope, here.
- Miguel: But, but... *give* me that!
- [snatches the map from Tulio's hands]
- Miguel: I... this... can't be...
- Tulio: [rising anger] Apparently, "El Dorado" is native for... great... big... ROCK!
- [Tulio's voice echoes across the misty environment]
- Tulio: Hey, but I'll tell you what, I'm feeling generous today, so *you* can have *my* share!
- Miguel: You don't think that... that Cortes could've gotten here before us and... and...
- Tulio: [sarcastically] And what? Taken all the *really* big rocks? The *SCOUNDREL*!
- Miguel: Tulio! We... we've got to think about this, I... I mean we come all this way and...
- Tulio: [comically furious] Get... on... the horse!
- [Miguel sighs and makes a pitiful face]
- Tulio: No, no, no, not with the face. Stop.
- Tulio: [they have just broken out of the brig, and Miguel decides to thank Altivo for his help] Miguel, he's a ruthless war-horse, not a poodle!
- Tzekel-Kan: [Tulio and Chel are messing around] My Lord? Hello?
- Tulio: Whoa!
- Chel: [frantic] Oh! Oh, no, no, no. The High Priest! What is he gonna think when he sees a god with me?
- Tulio: [dazed] Uh, "lucky god"?
- [Tulio, Miguel and Altivo have finally, after much effort, all gotten into the rowboat and avoided getting run over by any of the ships]
- Tulio: Did any of the supplies make it?
- Miguel: Um, well, yes and no.
- [Tulio looks: Altivo is eating the few supplies that did make it]
- Tulio: Oh, great!
- Miguel: Hey, Tulio, look on the positive side: at least things can't get...
- [a thunder clap. It starts pouring rain]
- Tulio: Excuse me, were you about to say "worse"?
- Miguel: No.
- Tulio: No? You're sure?
- Miguel: Definitely not, I'm going to revise that whole thing.
- Tulio: Yeah. We are at least in a rowboat.
- Miguel: We are in a rowboat.
- [the boat drifts away to reveal the sharks following it]
- Tulio: Hey, what happened to Miguel?
- Chel: I don't know.
- Tulio: [frantic] Oh my God! He's gone! Miguel's gone, he's loose! What am I gonna do!
- [throws himself on the couch and devolves into hysterical sobbing]
- Chel: Oh, Miguel's right, you do worry too much.
- [she starts massaging his back; he gets up]
- Tulio: We are working a con, walking the razor's edge. On one side...
- [gestures to the pile of treasure]
- Tulio: ... gold. On the other side...
- [gestures at mural of human sacrifice]
- Tulio: ... painful, agonizing failure! I can't afford any temptation-- distractions, so I'm sorry...
- [he looks at Chel, showing off her body]
- Tulio: so sorry. But perhaps another time, another place?
- Chel: Too bad, I'm free now.
- Tulio: I'm not sure I can trust you.
- Chel: [seductively] I'm not really asking you to trust me, am I?
- Tulio: [briefly pauses] Okay.
- [he starts massaging her back]
- [the natives are throwing the gold over the cliff]
- Tulio: Uh, Chel... what are they doing?
- Chel: [exasperated] They're sending it to Xibalba! The spirit world!
- Tulio: Spirit... world...
- Chel: I'll take care of it.
- [sidling up to the Chief]
- Chel: Uh, Chief? The gods have changed their minds about Xibalba. They wish to bask in the glory that has been shown them.
- Chief: STOP!
- [the natives stop; a gold plate rolls toward the cliff and Tulio stops it with his foot]
- Chief: They wish to bask! Take the tribute to the gods' temple!
- Tulio: [singing] I hardly think I'm qualified/ To come across all sanctified/ I just don't cut it with the cherubim...
- Miguel: Tulio, what are you talking about?
- [sung]
- Miguel: There again, they're on their knees/ Being worshipped is a breeze! Which rather suits us in the interim...
- Tulio: Interim, the interim, it's me and him! Oh my god!
- Tulio, Miguel: It's tough to be a god...
- Tulio: Tread where mortals have not trod/ Be deified when really, you're a sham! Be an object of devotion/ Be the subject of psalms...
- Miguel: It's a rather touching notion/ all those prayers and those salaams!
- Tulio: And who am I to bridle/ if I'm forced to be an idol? If they say that I'm a god, that's what I am! What's more, if we don't comply/ with the locals' wishes I/ can see us being sacrificed, or stuffed!
- Miguel: [spoken] You have a point there, very good thinking.
- [sung]
- Miguel: So, let's be gods! The perks are great!
- Tulio: Yeah!
- Miguel: El Dorado on a plate/ Local feelings should not be rebuffed...
- Tulio: Never rebuff, ah never rebuff a local feeling - no my friend!
- Tulio, Miguel: It's tough to be a god/ but if you get the peoples' nod/ count your blessings/ keep 'em sweet! That's our advice.
- Tulio: It's great advice!
- Tulio, Miguel: Be a symbol of perfection/ Be a legend/ Be a cult! Take their praise/ take a collection/ as the multitudes exult!
- Miguel: Don a supernatural habit...
- Tulio: We'd be crazy not to grab it!
- Miguel: You got it!
- Tulio, Miguel: So sign on two new gods for paradise/ Paradise!