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Other than Rod Steiger doing this tongue in cheek imitation of Laurence Olivier's Mitteleuropa accent and having a ball as a modern Dr. Van Helsing, this rather witless comedy might go over with the juvenile trade, but not too many others. It certainly does make vampires out to be such fun creatures.

Natasha Gregson Wagner and Casper Van Dien are a couple of modern vampires who are tired of the rule of that most notorious vampire of them all, Count Dracula as played by Robert Pastorelli. But all of them have to worry that that famous vampire slaughterer Van Helsing who's on the prowl with some new kind of help, a few boys from the hood.

Except when Steiger was on the screen I didn't get too many laughs out of this film though. Maybe it's because my taste in music just doesn't run to rap which blares at intervals during the movie.

There is one other good scene I did like. Kim Catrall pulling a freight train with the Van Helsing helpers and turning them all into vampires. It's the inevitable result of sex with one.

For the juvenile trade strictly.

There wasn't much all that scary or thrilling about this movie, as its self-proclaimed genre suggests. Rather, it was a great movie to watch and make fun of. Seeing the esteemed van Helsing tromping around LA with his ghetto band of misfits was the most ridiculous thing I've seen on film in a while. And the scene where the four "brothers" gang bang the vampire is hilarious due to its unexpected nature and exaggeration. And hearing Count Dracula call multiple people "f**kwads" is great. Watch this for laughs, but don't expect to get nightmares.

Some of the special effects were cool, however, such as the "dying" of vampires when struck with a wooden stake and Dracula's hedonistic LA club. Overall, not bad. Just goofy.

The plot? barely!

The pacing? Plodding and inept!

the Characters? Nary a sympathetic character in sight.

So why am I laughing and liking this movie so much?

This movie is definitely more than the sum of it's parts. The movie is pure camp, but it never takes itself too seriously. Casper Van Dein, Rod Steiger, and the Crips chew up so much scenery that they should have styofoam poisoning. Oh, and may I say that Natasha Gregson Wagner is absolutely delectable in her tiny blue dress.

Just a fun movie that would be a great way to waste 2 hours. Invite your friends over and heckle away.

Modern Vampires is the tale of a crew of ghastlies enjoying the night life of L.A. in relative obscurity until someone goes on a killing rampage which brings them to the attention of the local police, as well as the local don, Count Dracula, who likes discretion so much that he even has a special cleaning service for messy vampires. That tells you something about how seriously this movie takes itself. Who's doing the killing, why, and what to do about her (yes, her) is the basis of the plot. A parallel plot involves Dr. Van Helsing on another of his famous vampire hunts, so the predatory vampiress is triply threatened.

This is not an easy film to characterize. It's about vampires, yes, but they're not so much scary in the traditional sense of Lugosi and Lee as they are just kind of creepy and weird, and as disgusting as they are terrifying. They turn their victims into human sodas to be drunk in underground nightclubs They transform into gargoyle like creatures that seem to have more in common with modern sfx-driven horror movies than the original vampire legend. And for God's sake don't ever make love to one of them. That too has taken on new and dire consequences.

The film also explores the notion of degrees of vampiric evil (no surprise to any Buffy fan). Casper Van Dien's character Dallas has made two vampires to save them from unhappy fates, so humans are obviously something more than just food to him. These vampires have all kinds of family arrangements, from mafia like to almost normal human variety. There is even one who is eternally pregnant, a bizarre state of affairs surpassing even Ann Rice's child vampire Claudia, whose role, to some extent, is played by the (s)punky young vampire portrayed by Natasha Wagner. Although physically mature, she is an emotional child who gives a whole new meaning to the phrase 'instant gratification.' And Van Helsing himself, a reputed Nazi collaborator, may not be a paragon of virtue. So nothing is quite black and white in the undead underworld of Los Angeles.

If you simply have to see every vampire movie ever made, you must see this as well. If you're a fan of Casper Van Dien or Rod Steiger, they're protagonist and nemesis, and you shouldn't miss the chase. Van Dien manages to look good even in fangs, which these particular bloodsuckers sport 24/7 and have to talk around as well as sometimes explain to the curious. If you're fascinated by show business dynasties, catch it for Natasha Gregson Wagner, who is at times eerily reminiscent of her mother Natalie Wood. Just be warned-everything in this movie is a bit overdone. The comedy becomes slapstick, some scenes are more disgusting than truly horrible, and the sex is approached as either grotesque or tongue-in-cheek, or occasionally fang in neck. They even throw in a bit of Lesbian activity, but the most interesting scenes involve Van Dien and Wagner-as visually arresting a couple as you'll ever find anywhere-who, before the movie ends, have managed to swap almost every bodily fluid imaginable.

MV can't decide if it's horror, comedy, romance or satire, and so mostly falls short of being really satisfying in any category, but it delivers some characters who can be fun to watch, notably Van Dien and Wagner as the young (in vampire terms) lovers fleeing the old vampire patriarch whose will they have defied. Rod Steiger looks and acts like a cross between Uncle Fester and the decrepit Van Helsing portrayed by Olivier in Dracula 79. And sometimes you just have to laugh at the homeboys who receive The Dark Gift like it was an STD, almost a satiric comment on AIDS stood on its head: this infection lets you live forever, if you don't mind being a homicidal maniac for the rest of your unnatural life.

To enjoy MV, you just have to turn off your critical faculties, pass the beer and pizza, and take it for what it is.

I'm used to low level on vampire movies, but this one is easily picked out as one of the worst of it's class. The only thing that keeps me from giving it a 1 is that the climax was pretty funny in a "this movie is so stupid I gotta laugh" sort of way.

... but not a very funny one.

If you're into "funny horror" movies, chances are you'll be mildly amused by this one. Like "House 2", "Evil Dead 2" and "Brain Dead" this movie is grotesque, gory and not to be taken totally serious. My only problem really is that a) it didn't say so on the rental and b) most other funny horror movies do the same job better.

Has Casper Van ever made a film that was actually good? We have Rod Steiger eating the scenery with an accent, Kim Cattrall, Udo Kier... but it doesn't know what it wants to be - horror, comedy, melodrama - so it gets increasingly awkward, no one's very likeable and it keeps on getting all American heartfeely and bonding on us.

MODERN VAMPIRES is an (obviously) independent (obviously) low budget "off-beat" little thing that features Casper Van Dien. His character is a vampire who smiles a lot and always seems to be thinking "dude! I'm a vampire!" All the vampires in the picture like to show their fangs a lot and have no conception of subtlety, even though they are supposed to be fashionable. Rod Steiger appears as Van Helsing in this version (who is somehow only about 60 years old at the end of the 20th century) and he has a huge grudge against Van Dien's character for making his son a vampire. A prostitute vampire figures prominently in the plot and our hero takes her under his wing to show her the ropes of vampire society and to save her from a vampire count who wants her dead. Any of this sound interesting to you yet? It isn't. I just watched it because I thought the Sci-Fi channel might be showing a real movie for a change. Wrong! This cheap, un-involving junk is on par with all the crap they show. The lighting and music are really bad points that go extra far to cheapen an already lame production. MODERN VAMPIRES even takes a few stabs at being funny, but these fail too. It's as if a made for TV film decided half-way through production to be hip and trendy like FROM DUSK TILL DAWN, but wasn't quite sure how to go about it. This is exactly what you'd expect it to be: wanna-be quirky, poorly acted, boring, predictable, and downright annoying when it tries to make you like it. I genuinely hope that this director never gets work again. Unless you're a sucker for seeing Rod Steiger making a fool of himself, stay far away from MODERN VAMPIRES.

Only in America can vampires expect to call for garbage pickup. No messy disposal problems here. As a vampire author, I'd far rather see vampire movies that feature something new, rather than rehashing the old myths - no matter how well it's done. (For a similar new take on vampires, though hardly as funny, be sure to see Dance of the Damned) Actually, though Modern Vampires seems to strive to be intentionally bad, this makes it very funny, very hip though certainly not for everyone.

I loved it for the early humor (The scene with the bitchy salesperson in the dress shop was worth the rental price all by itself), and was sad to see the over the top end did not work quite as well as the first half.

One can only hope that the extraordinarily gifted cast that was gathered to act in this unmitigated mess was well paid for their efforts since this is a flick that they will not want to list on their resumes or tell their children about. This is a horror movie that will truly leave one goggle-eyed and slack jawed with horror at its consummate ineptness. The film simply has no tone, being neither funny nor scary, with back-alley special effects and a script that, from all appearances, was randomly compiled from notes scrawled on the inside of matchbook covers. Without even mentioning the scent of racism that pervades the latter half of the movie there is still plenty for the whole family to dislike. This is simply a ghastly film and other than keeping some pleasant actors employed, there is no justification for its existence.

This movie is a hilarious satire of vampire lore. Anyone into Evil Dead 2 or Army of Darkness should appreciate this flick. Anyone who thinks they are a vampire will most likely be offended. Very original in content and way ahead of its time. Like Spider Baby, this is sure to be an underground classic.

I had a double impetus for buying this film. I'm gay and Casper is very, very cute. Plus, I love vampire movies. This one really surprised me and made me laugh. Unlike John Carpenter's Vampires, I easily accepted the new vampire rules because they were funny. It's not scary at all, or even eerie like Lost Boys. It's very fresh.

This is quite possibly the WORST film I have ever had the misfortune to watch. What promises to be a funny, gory, vampire movie turns out to be a turgid, badly acted, scripted and directed pile of rubbish. The effects were awful and the plot was...well I couldn't work out what the plot was. Casper Van Dein's performance was one of someone trying to get it over with as quickly as possible. Why films like this are still made and still make money is one of the Earth's great mysteries. Avoid it like the plague.

Do not waste your time on this... there are no words for how aggressively awful it is. The effects are terrible. The performances by some fairly well known and seasoned actors are dreadful despite their best efforts. The story is amateurish, at best. The only reason I could surmise for having such well known actors, is that it was directed by Richard Elfman, the brother of Danny Elfman. Only watch it if you're like me and enjoy watching awful movies, just to see how awful they are. Do not be deceived by the review shown on the page by a "mopedcecil". On further examination, the user wrote three shining reviews all were Richard Elfman movies. So, me thinks it is none other than the trash auteur himself. Be warned...

This is possibly the worst film ever made - I am not kidding!

We rented this film, fortunately as we had a free rental voucher we did not pay actual money to see it.

What a suck-fest!!

I rented this piece of trash based on a web-based list of 'best' vampire films. I'm trying to think of what would make anybody think of this as a watchable film; and I can't think of a single thing. I guess if you're about 9 years old then you can think of this as 'campy'. But this film has no script or story, is badly acted, horribly directed it's a complete and unmitigated piece of crap it's unwatchable and the worst part is that it's boring. I challenge anybody to watch this and not fall asleep! Not even the few naked bodies in this film could save it.

What a disappointment; it was very boring comedy/horror movie nothing realy interesting during watching it, only one scary good horror scene and one realy comedy scene I think who watched this trash knows where these scenes.

Where is the silver knives??!It's only used during standing to take the picture of the poster,,,it was important!!!. If you still very interest with it I advice you to rent it.

2/10

Director Richard Elfman has taken the familiar themes of the vampire movie and has approached them from a skewed perspective in "Modern Vampires." The urban hipster Los Angeles setting couldn't be farther from Transylvania, and the old Universal Pictures bloodsucker flicks never exposed so much firm young female flesh - boobs, that is. Natasha Gregson Wagner and Casper Van Dien provide eye candy and show off their ability to memorize and recite short segments of dialog. There are a few familiar faces from television, and an all too short appearance by Udo Kier. But the picture belongs to Rod Steiger. He's one of the great ham actors, and he certainly doesn't hold back here. "Modern Vampires" is worth seeing if only for the scene stealing of Oscar © winner Steiger.

REVENANT (originally titled MODERN VAMPIRES) is a low budget vampire comedy that was marketed as a straightforward vampire horror flick here in the UK. Either way it's a dog of a film, shot on what looks like no budget and in the dark, and made as a TV movie too. This spoofy yarn supposedly reveals the real life of the modern Hollywood vampire, which seems to involve hanging around in nightclubs and acting incredibly vapid and self-centred.

A plethora of gore gags and lame make-up effects are thrown into the mix to try to make something stick, but the truth is that this is a lamentable film indeed. There's nothing worse than an unfunny comedy, and REVENANT is exactly that; I can honestly say I didn't laugh once. John Landis's INNOCENT BLOOD is a perfect example of the genre at its finest and this film doesn't even come close to the quality of that movie.

Bizarrely, Rod Steiger makes an appearance as Van Helsing here, so you have to feel for him a little. But wooden actors like Casper Van Dien and Kim Cattrall both should know better. There's a mercifully brief cameo from Udo Kier, but for much of the running time we have to put up with the appalling grating accents of Craig Ferguson and his buddies. As I said, it's a dog of a film.

Matthew Bright and Richard Elfman team up yet again to give hollywood the middle finger in this over-the-top vampire film. If you liked movies like Near Dark and From Dusk 'til Dawn, but hated movies like John Carpenter's Vampires and Blade 2, you'll probably like Modern Vampires. It has just the right amount of story vs. ridiculous gore.

Elfman and Bright have been both critically acclaimed and critically ignored. They have been working together since 1980's The Forbidden Zone, Richard Elfman's cult classic musical in which Matthew Bright co-wrote and starred in. Modern Vampires is definitely a different flavor than anything either of them has done previously. One thing I appreciate in particular about this movie is the undefined line between good and evil. It sets a realistic tone in a movie that is not realistic at all.

If you haven't seen other Richard Elfman or Matthew Bright Films, I would recommend Freeway or Shrunken Heads before Modern Vampires. But if you're looking for a good vampire movie, be sure to check this one out; it's much better than the average.

I would certainly recommend to all my friends. The last Richard Elfman flick I saw was Forbidden Zone a few years back. Having that as my reference, Modern Vampires really impressed me. Granted there were no cameo appearances of Danny as a piano playing Satan...but I did find myself respecting the authority of Officer Richard Elfman in his brief appearance at the end of the film. The quality of the production is outstanding. At times the plot and dialog feels B-movie-ish but the quality of the film production makes one question if it can be classified as such. I enjoyed the interaction between the Vampire slayers...and the rapping VW microbus was a nice touch. Anyway...well worth the rental or purchase fee and the cost of a six pack of beer ....

It's sad to see a film strain so hard to be funny and fail to do so so miserably. By now breaking old horror movie cliches has become very cliche, and this movie adds absolutely nothing new as the script writer hasn't a hair of creativity growing on his thick skull.

This is a C-grade script filmed on a B-budget. How do painfully awful movies like this ever get funded? There is so much money flushed down the toilet in Hollywood that it never ceases to amaze me.