- Anthony Cortino: I'm not my father, Diane, just like you're not your father. If we were our fathers, what we did last night would only be legal in Arkansas.
- [to his girlfriend, discovered sleeping with his brother]
- Anthony Cortino: How could you do this? A total stranger I could understand. You and another woman, maybe. Me, you and another woman, definitely! But my own brother?
- [Emerges soaking wet from a bathroom stall, and sees everyone staring at him, and so he hurriedly attempts to explain his drenched and disheveled appearance]
- Anthony Cortino: El Niño.
- Anthony Cortino: Some would argue that the Mafia is a bad thing, that it uses its power to undermine law and order, to promote the very lowest forms of human behavior. Of course, that's all true, but in the end, maybe it's worth it.
- Anthony Cortino: Diane, would you excuse us?
- Diane: Oh, yeah, sure. If you need me, I'll be up on the bidet.
- Anthony Cortino: [home from the war] I got you a souvenir.
- Dominick Clamato: Oh, wow! A North Korean!
- Anthony Cortino: If you prick a murderer, does he not leave a blood trail all the way back to his Rockingham estate?
- Giant hitman: Say hello to my little friend.
- [opens his coat to reveal a midget with a gun]
- Voice of Bill Clinton: [in a V/O flashback] ... I did *not* have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky; but I *am* wearing her underwear!