Howling: New Moon Rising

You know how veterans respond when you ask them what the war was like, and they respond "I don't want to talk about it." Well, that's the best I can come up with for describing this movie. "I don't want to talk about this movie." I hate this movie. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I have watched some of the WORST movies known to mankind, and this one comes in second place. I have seen a movie called Robo C.H.I.C. I have seen The Cars that Ate Paris, I have seen Hobgoblins, I have seen Ghoulies IV, I have seen Trolls II (ouch, that one was bad) but only Hobgoblins actually compares to the pain I felt watching this movie. I don't... I don't want to talk about this any more. Please... leave me alone to throw up in peace. Watch this movie if you want, but be warned, I didn't encourage you, and don't bother renting it in Greensboro, N.C. because the tape is not coming back in proper working order. It's coming back in pieces. Many many pieces.

This movie once held a prominent position in the Bottom 100. How it ever got off the list is one of the great mysteries of the universe. Howling: New Moon Rising single-handedly redefines bad low-budget horror movies, and has all the requirements for being the worst horror sequel ever made:

1. No werewolf.

2. Old-school barroom jokes served up as original humor.

3. Small-town inhabitants playing themselves.

4. No werewolf.

5. Hopelessly outdated, overlong, and plot-halting line dance sequences.

6. Pappy sings.

7. Still no werewolf.

8. The most ridiculous 'plot twist' in the history of cinema.

9. Police chief: "Can we continue this tomorrow? This is all just too much information for me to take in all at once."

10. Red-tinted POV shots that's supposed to be a werewolf.

11. Written by, directed by, produced by, and starring Clive Turner.

12. "Hey Pappy - there's dirt in your chili!"

13. A two-line program command that produces the final CGI 'transformation' into the fakest-looking werewolf I've ever seen.

This movie was so painful to watch. No wonder they didn't make any more Howling sequels after this one. 1/10

When movie fans discuss the most influential directors of all time, the name Clive Turner is usually at the top of the list. Like some sort of bizarre love child of Lynch and Tarantino, Turner exploded onto the scene with his masterpiece, Howling VII, and with that one film, defined post-modern primativism. In the limited space I have available, I will discuss my interpertation and views of Mr. Turner's awe-inspiring vision.

First, the character of the inspector. Just as Eastwood destroyed the myth of the remorseless gunfighter in Unforgiven, Turner destroys the myth of the police investigator. Turner's inspector isn't glamourous, he doesn't drive an expensive car, he doesn't solve crimes with only a few clues he carefully pieces together. Turner's inspector is so world-weary, so jaded, that he cannot even listen to a simple werewolf-on-the-loose story without taking a break to absorb all the information, because his mind is so haunted by his past cases, he simply cannot stop thinking about all the pain he has witnessed.

Turner even manages to reduce the werewolf, probably the most primative of monsters, into a simpler form. No CGI effects here, no elaborate camera tricks,. Just a very simplistic, very primative revealing of the monster hiding inside all of us.

One of the biggest complaints I have read about this film is Turner's use of "ordinary townpeople" rather that real "actors" in his film (this in a time when reality TV is considered the height of human achievement) This unique casting decision again shows Turner's devotion to post-modern primativism. No other director would dare to take a chance like this. "Real" actors could never have delivered the raw, primal emotions the performers in this movie demonstrate. I know I am not the only audience member to "Stand Up and Testify!" when Pappy (Turner's brilliant play on the authority-figure archtype) commands, nor am I the only one to recoil in horror at the sad, brutal reality of alcoholism and drug abuse as demonstrated in the song "Sit here and drink my good Christian beer."

The final point I would like to discuss is the line dancing, probably Turner's most powerful statement about our sad modern world. Notice how unhappy and robotic all the line dancers look. Turner is forcing us to confront our MTV controlled culture. No matter how unhappy or robotic we feel, we must follow and worship whatever MTV tells us is "cool." Don't like rap? Don't like boy-bands? Too bad, MTV says you must like it, and it is your duty as a good consumer to roboticly follow.

Howling VII, much like Rebel Without a Cause, Saturday Night Fever, and Pulp Fiction is a movie that defines a generation and causes us to re-examine the world we live in. Mr. Turner is trying to warn us: Stand up, testify, absorb the world around you, before you wake up one morning and discover there is dirt in YOUR chili.

I don't understand why they even made this film. There is no story, no scares, and nothing new to the series. The only part of this film of any value is the variety of clips they used from the previous Howling films. Why on earth they thought they could get away with using a steady-cam with a red filter to portray a werewolf is beyond me.

Only the very well rendered cover/poster art for this film gives it a reason to exist.

If you are a fan of the Howling series or werewolf movies in general, then the first four films are as far as I advise you go. The werewolf film as a genre has little to pick from as far as gems, but New Moon Rising is perhaps the worst ever conceived.

I can't say what the worst movie ever made is, but Howling VII is certainly my pick for 'worst movie that makes me laugh so hard my sides hurt every time I see it'. Which is a pretty big honor, really. Man, if there's anyone out there who's never seen this movie (I bet there's a few of you), trust me, you've got to rent it sometime. To give credit where it's due, this 'werewolf' movie tried to be something a little different: a combination horror-film/country-western-musical. Yeah, that always works. With no actors either. To save money they cast the local yokels living in this town to play... themselves. Hmmm, that seems like a good idea too. Wonder what went wrong?

You know, the fact this movie got produced at all is amazing. The fact this movie was produced by New Line Cinema is really amazing.

But taken for what it is, Howling VII is the best of its kind - I mean, they literally got everything wrong. The direction just isn't happening - the 'actors' sort of wonder around while on camera, blurting out memorized lines of dialogue at awkward intervals; the jokes (and there's lot's of em!) aren't remotely funny even if you're really drunk (like they were - seriously, just watch it); the music, as performed by our multi-talented cast, ranges charmingly inept to embarrassing; and, uh, there's no werewolves, just a few red-tinted pov shots.

Well, that last one's not entirely true; there is one unfortunate werewolf appearance - but it's in the last 30 seconds of the movie. Which is odd, since its transformation scene is the big showcase of the movie. (Remember - New Line Cinema produced this - the guys who are spending $360 million on Lord of the Rings). Anyway, the aforementioned scene is accomplished by digitally stretching the "actor's" face horizontally. That's it - bang, your face is stretched, you're a werewolf (my Sony 8mm Camcorder can do this).

There's also a detective's investigation side-plot which is so poorly executed you'd swear they were making a satire. Except these scenes are played without a trace of irony. All in all the whole movie is so innocent and hapless you can't believe it was made in the 90's.

Great fun, but not perfect. The one complaint I have is that, while most of the movie is rather good-natured (in a rather mind-bogglingly idiotic way), there's one unenjoyable part towards the end where our hero gets tortured by a sadistic policeman (who later becomes werewolf food - er, red-tinted-lens food). The movie is mean-spirited here, and this LOOOOONG scene is one I usually have to fast-forward. Not that it's gruesome or revolting (I mean, it's not like this is supposed to be a horror movie or anything) - it's just boring. But then we're back with the gang doing a campfire-sing-a-long in no time, and all's well.

Anyway, I could write pages and pages on this movie, but you get the point. I voted it a 1 since it's one of the three worst movies I've ever seen, but it's in my top 10 list of favourite films of all time. These types of movies can never be intentionally made, they just have to happen. And boy, something happened.