Due ragazze, un tatuaggio e l'FBI

Why do you want to see this movie? Is it for the stars? Go see them in something else. Is it for the music? Go find a CD. Is it for the plot? No, wait, it couldn't be. The movie has no plot! What's there is pointless and clueless. But wait! The movie does have a saving grace: the CAMEOS. Melissa Etheridge as a hooker, and k.d. lang as (oh my goodness) a born-again Christian! Nancy McKeon also puts in a delightful performance.

I have a policy when it comes to movies I've never heard of. 45 minutes. If a movie cannot garner my interest in 45 minutes, it's just not going to get any better. This movie did not make it past the 45 minute mark.

It's an "all-over-place", wacky comedy that just never comes together. Somebody called in some favors here, because there are bunch of names you'll recognize, but it's all wasted.

You can get away with doing some things outside the box, if you're a talented director. Tarantino did it with Pulp Fiction the same year this came out, but Julie Cypher is NOT Tarantino. As of this writing, this movie is over 20 years old, and Cypher has not made another.

The whole mess falls flat, and the point came home when a shootout was punctuated with on-screen words like "BLAMMO" and "POWIE". It was straight out of the 1960's Batman TV series.

I caught my 45 minutes on free cable. I suggest you don't waste even that much time.

Like I said, this movie marks the start of Mr. Howell's nose dive into B movie land. It's a real shame too, now I read in an interview that he did some movies for financial reasons, and I have to say this has to be one of them, because the movie is god awful. What was Lou Diamond, doing there, and so many other cameos, you start to wonder what most of these people where thinking. This movie was probably out to rent right around the time, of Howell's last good movie That Night, go rent that movie instead, or rent one of Howell's better B movies, like the Sweeper, or something else If your a fan of c.t. I really hope, that one day, he can get out of b movie land, and get a supporting role, in a good movie, because Teresa's Tattoo, is horrible, avoid at all costs.

I happened upon this movie at a pay-per-view movie site. Seeing an opportunity to watch a movie without heading to the video store was very appealing. So, after reviewing 10 or 12 titles, I settled on Teresa's Tattoo partly because of the premise, partly because of actor Lou Diamond Phillips- The Big Hit, Stand and Deliver.

What was really interesting was seeing a number of popular actors in this movie that are uncredited as the top billers in the print ads- Joe Pantoliano, Teppi Hedren and more- executing a poorly directed script. This is probably a movie they would like to disassociate themselves.

The movie, as a whole, was poorly executed as an entertainment vehicle. The script lacked the comedic flow necessary to evoke substantial laughter from this viewer. There were a few funny moments (particularly the desk sergeant/police officer scene with Teresa/Gloria (Adrienne Shelley)), but most of the scenes fell flat.

Rating: 4/10

If this was MEANT to be a good movie, whoever wrote it would have given it a MUCH better plot, and called it something much less...silly than "Teresa's Tattoo!"

But I really, really don't think the writers, directors, cast, crew, etc, of this film were intending to make something good, or if they were, um... well, I won't go there.

Instead, "Teresa's Tattoo" is some weird, loud comedy made up of a big crew of supporting and/or B actors, who seem to be improvising most of the time, probably to liven up the ridiculous "plot" of a "college student" (played by geriatric looking Adrienne Shelley) who is mistaken for the sister of a bumbling villian (Casey Siemaszko, who's the only reason I watched this!), and kidnapped by uh, other bumbling villians (C. Thomas Howell and a couple of other B-actors I am forgetting) and for some reason given a "new look" that includes dyed-red hair, a short, tight, black leather dress, and a tattoo, hence the title. I think the whole reason behind her stupid kidnapping is so the stupid kidnappers can get an earing that really contains a microchip full of ...importance.

It's dumb alright, sometimes in a dull way, and sometimes in a so-stupid-it's-funny way. The duller moments involve Shelley and her friends Nancy McKeon(was SHE supposed to be a "college student" too?!) and Joe Pantiolano(sporting a hideous wardrobe); and Shelley and her family (the usually somewhat dependable Sean Astin is stuck in a drab role as Shelley's stepbrother, a gratuitously Southern cop...and Mr. Astin needs to work on accents with a dialect coach if they are all as bad as this one). Howell and his gang of robbers are also fairly dull, except some weird "bit" involving frozen food is soooorrrrt of entertaining. Siemaszko and Lou Diamond Phillips (director Julie Cypher's ex) are actually pretty funny in their nonsensical roles, and I don't even care for Lou Diamond Phillips most of the time. Their roles are fairly big, too, which helps.

A plethora of celebrities also have cameos, such as Tippi Hedren and Shelly Fabres; Melissa Ethridge (Cypher's other ex); Mare Winningham; Kiefer Sutherland; and Emilio Estevez(or else it was an Emilio Estevez wannabe, and what's with the "Young Guns" cast?), all adding to the fact that this was really just some excuse for these actors to get together and party, or else they all needed to pay their rent or something, because ...why else was this made?

At least it makes for a semi- entertaining way to pass the time.