Due ragazze, un tatuaggio e l'FBI

If this was MEANT to be a good movie, whoever wrote it would have given it a MUCH better plot, and called it something much less...silly than "Teresa's Tattoo!"

But I really, really don't think the writers, directors, cast, crew, etc, of this film were intending to make something good, or if they were, um... well, I won't go there.

Instead, "Teresa's Tattoo" is some weird, loud comedy made up of a big crew of supporting and/or B actors, who seem to be improvising most of the time, probably to liven up the ridiculous "plot" of a "college student" (played by geriatric looking Adrienne Shelley) who is mistaken for the sister of a bumbling villian (Casey Siemaszko, who's the only reason I watched this!), and kidnapped by uh, other bumbling villians (C. Thomas Howell and a couple of other B-actors I am forgetting) and for some reason given a "new look" that includes dyed-red hair, a short, tight, black leather dress, and a tattoo, hence the title. I think the whole reason behind her stupid kidnapping is so the stupid kidnappers can get an earing that really contains a microchip full of ...importance.

It's dumb alright, sometimes in a dull way, and sometimes in a so-stupid-it's-funny way. The duller moments involve Shelley and her friends Nancy McKeon(was SHE supposed to be a "college student" too?!) and Joe Pantiolano(sporting a hideous wardrobe); and Shelley and her family (the usually somewhat dependable Sean Astin is stuck in a drab role as Shelley's stepbrother, a gratuitously Southern cop...and Mr. Astin needs to work on accents with a dialect coach if they are all as bad as this one). Howell and his gang of robbers are also fairly dull, except some weird "bit" involving frozen food is soooorrrrt of entertaining. Siemaszko and Lou Diamond Phillips (director Julie Cypher's ex) are actually pretty funny in their nonsensical roles, and I don't even care for Lou Diamond Phillips most of the time. Their roles are fairly big, too, which helps.

A plethora of celebrities also have cameos, such as Tippi Hedren and Shelly Fabres; Melissa Ethridge (Cypher's other ex); Mare Winningham; Kiefer Sutherland; and Emilio Estevez(or else it was an Emilio Estevez wannabe, and what's with the "Young Guns" cast?), all adding to the fact that this was really just some excuse for these actors to get together and party, or else they all needed to pay their rent or something, because ...why else was this made?

At least it makes for a semi- entertaining way to pass the time.

Teresa's Tattoo was Julie Cypher's second and last effort as a director we can all hope. My guess is that Lou Diamond Phillips, her husband at the time must have cashed in a bunch of favors from his Hollywood friends to get his wife this gig as a feature director. Her first effort was a short back in 1990.

A whole lot of people who came to prominence in the Eighties were gathered together for this inept comedy about a pair of doppleganger girls, one of whom dies while in the custody of kidnappers. Seems as though she's wearing earrings that contain holograph messages with data on the space program. Though who might have wanted it in 1995 with the Cold War over is beyond me.

Anyway poor Adrienne Shelley who plays the dead original kidnap victim and her lookalike who some gangsters hired by the Feds (yes, you read that right)grab instead because they think this is a ransom snatch proves a good deal smarter than any of the people trying to kidnap or rescue her. She's a math major, what would you expect?

This film is like a class reunion, look at the cast members, C. Thomas Howell, Casey Siemaszko, Nancy McKeon, Lou Diamond Phillips, Matt Adler, Joe Pantoliano, all came up about ten years earlier. Even Kiefer Sutherland has an unbilled part as a deputy sheriff and he could certainly be considered a contemporary.

The jokes fall flatter than Dorothy Gale's Kansas plains, everyone looks pained, some like Lou Diamond Phillips who know they're in a gobble gobble contest make up for it by overacting outrageously. Lou looked like he was in dress rehearsal for the part he had in The Big Hit which was a much funnier film.

Kiefer Sutherland was the smartest guy in the bunch, he didn't take any billing for this.

Like I said, this movie marks the start of Mr. Howell's nose dive into B movie land. It's a real shame too, now I read in an interview that he did some movies for financial reasons, and I have to say this has to be one of them, because the movie is god awful. What was Lou Diamond, doing there, and so many other cameos, you start to wonder what most of these people where thinking. This movie was probably out to rent right around the time, of Howell's last good movie That Night, go rent that movie instead, or rent one of Howell's better B movies, like the Sweeper, or something else If your a fan of c.t. I really hope, that one day, he can get out of b movie land, and get a supporting role, in a good movie, because Teresa's Tattoo, is horrible, avoid at all costs.

The good----[Nancy McKeon's and Adrien Shelly's roles as Sara and Teresa are good. Sara's and Teresa's adventures take them from Teresa's stepparent's house through other places to some guy's house.]

The bad-----[The bad guys{one is a redneck hick and the others are all just dummies.}]

The ugly----[C. Thomas Howell should of been replaced alltogether. You know what? They could of used someone like Dennis Leary to play the part of the crime boss and frozen food factory owner. He would of made a smoother talking crime boss and frozen food factory owner than Mr. Howell.]

Overall, this movie is still watchable.

I happened upon this movie at a pay-per-view movie site. Seeing an opportunity to watch a movie without heading to the video store was very appealing. So, after reviewing 10 or 12 titles, I settled on Teresa's Tattoo partly because of the premise, partly because of actor Lou Diamond Phillips- The Big Hit, Stand and Deliver.

What was really interesting was seeing a number of popular actors in this movie that are uncredited as the top billers in the print ads- Joe Pantoliano, Teppi Hedren and more- executing a poorly directed script. This is probably a movie they would like to disassociate themselves.

The movie, as a whole, was poorly executed as an entertainment vehicle. The script lacked the comedic flow necessary to evoke substantial laughter from this viewer. There were a few funny moments (particularly the desk sergeant/police officer scene with Teresa/Gloria (Adrienne Shelley)), but most of the scenes fell flat.

Rating: 4/10