South Beach Academy

A romp on the beach promising and delivering beautiful breasts.

Too many movies promise and don't provide more than a few moments. Others portray nudity and human interactions negatively. In this movie any negative treatment is rapidly slapped away. For those who see the beauty in nudity, the overall impression is of positive vibes and joyous, loving relationships having fun on the beach.

This is not the worst movie ever made. No, wait, this is the worst movie ever made. In a scene between two brother, Corey Feldman delivers the immortal line "I like breasts, fake breasts." He seems to be echoing the thought of the filmmakers who put breasts, either naked or covered with a bikini top in nearly every scene. There are also 40 or 50 shots of the backsides of different women in thongs. The plot has something to do with a gambler, a bet and a woman's volley ball team, but the plot is just an excuse to parade dozens of scantily clad women in front of the camera. It is a little sad seeing Al Lewis, who must have been in his late 80's here. He was a fine comic actor (see the television series, "Car 54 Where Are You"). He deserved better.

The movie is too leering and sneering for women and too tame and lame for men, and too witless for both men and women.

Actually, if a fashion designer student wanted to know what bikinis were popular in Miami in the 1990's, this would be the perfect movie to watch.

I think that there are some people - not a lot, but certainly SOME people - who would really enjoy "South Beach Academy". There are a lot of women in bikinis, and the movie also has a number of these ladies taking off their tops at regular intervals. But I think most viewers would want some substance along with these gorgeous women, and that's what the movie is lacking - SERIOUSLY lacking. The plot, concerning an athletic competition to decide ownership of the title place, is old hat, and is executed with no cleverness or energy. The movie boasts some recognizable stars, such as porn legend Ron Jeremy and James Hong, but these actors can't do much to liven things up. The headline star - Corey Feldman - has a part that has absolutely no real bearing on the story or other characters. It's as if the production was desperate to have a star big enough as Feldman that they did a last minute rewrite to fit him in. At least he got a free trip to Florida.

"South Beach Academy" is one of the few movies that I am embarrassed to admit having seen. I write these comments not to provide any intellectual critique of the film (for there was literally very little to comment on), but to serve as a warning for any fool just about to go and spend a couple of bucks renting it on video.

Only diehard Corey Feldman fans would ever go near this stinker, and even they are bound to be disappointed. Feldman is a genuinely talented actor with a sharp wit, and one can sense throughout this film that even he is taking it all with a grain of salt. He delivered sensational performances in "Stand By Me" and "The Goonies" (among others), and in a way it is sad to see him in this woeful exploitation movie.

The plot is too simple and idiotic for words, so I will not deal with it here. Indeed, there simply isn't much plot to comment on. Something about a beach and a volleyball game - I couldn't elaborate, because it seemed that I was dropping in and out of a coma while watching the film. The acting from everyone apart from Feldman is wooden (and Feldman is brought down a couple of notches as a result), and the only laughs I got from this show were at the expense of the actors themselves, (if such a term is allowable).

I'm an admirer of the 'bad film' genre, and "South Beach Academy" is certainly a bad film, but its problem is that it tries a little too hard to be a good film. The characters are confused - they don't know whether to act or to ham, and they end up doing a curiously amusing combination of the two.

But let's get one thing straight - the film contains scene after scene of gratuitous nudity, which seems to be its main selling point. The question here is - why bother? Dozens of this type of film have already been produced, and if you're really into that sort of thing, just find a movie on late-night television - there's bound to be one showing soon.

I am angry and frustrated that I lost a couple of valuable hours of my life watching this rubbish. If this review dissuades any potential viewer from renting the video, I shall be a happy man.

Back in the 60's, beach movies had casts filled with unattractive actors (Frankie & Annette). In the 80's, beach movies had some attractive ladies, but most of the guys (with the exception of Grant Cramer) were still too wiry. In the 90's, the made-for-video beach movies finally got it right, but if your movies are MFV affairs, whose going to care?

This movie wasn't great, but it wasn't bad either. Mixing up every cliche it can muster, we have a film about a couple of brothers trying to help a woe-be-gone uncle from losing his shirt from a crafty rival through a beach volleyball game. Admittedly, they did put a lot of twists and turns in this one, but there are painful moments here with the acting. Elizabeth Kaitan sounds like she has something stuck in her voice. Al Lewis gets under your nerves, and James Hong delivers every Asian stereotype again. Still, the women are hot and Miami is a gorgeous city as depicted in the film, so if you're into this, by all means take a dip. Just stay out of Club Madonna. My trip to Miami was nice, but it felt more like the S Club 7's.