- Gordon Szalinski: You are dead meat, mister!
- Wayne Szalinski: Gordon, you're three-quarters of an inch tall, now's not the time.
- Jenny Szalinski: So, here we are. This is the kitchen.
- Ricky King, Party Bully: Good, 'cause you know, I really wanted to be alone with you.
- [sets his hand on the counter near Diane and Patti]
- Diane Szalinski: [looking at Ricky's fingers in disgust] Ew, look, dirty fingernails.
- Jenny Szalinski: Really?
- Ricky King, Party Bully: Yeah, 'cause the truth is, Jenny, I think you're awesome.
- Patti Szalinski: Awesome? Don't fall for it, Jenny. He's just giving you a line.
- Jenny Szalinski: You do? You think I'm awesome?
- Ricky King, Party Bully: Oh, yeah. You're cooler than all the other girls.
- [Diane and Patti stare at each other confused]
- Jenny Szalinski: [in a serious tone] So, um, what is it you wanted to tell me?
- Ricky King, Party Bully: Nothing. Mostly, I just wanted to do this.
- [takes Jenny in his arms and kisses her on the lips]
- Patti Szalinski: What is she doing? She's too young. She doesn't even know that boy.
- [Jenny breaks the kiss]
- Jenny Szalinski: What are you doing?
- Ricky King, Party Bully: Kissing you.
- Jenny Szalinski: Well, you didn't ever ask.
- Ricky King, Party Bully: Ask what?
- Jenny Szalinski: Ask if I wanted to kiss you.
- Ricky King, Party Bully: What are you talking about?
- Jenny Szalinski: You just assumed that I wanted you to kiss me. I mean, I don't even know you, and even if I did know you and we talked and you got to know me and you asked me if I wanted to kiss, I might have been into it, but the way you did it was just... wrong.
- Ricky King, Party Bully: Well, lots of girls like that.
- Jenny Szalinski: Well, I'm not one of them. I don't happen to feel that way, and as far as you and I are concerned, the party is over.
- [exits the kitchen]
- Patti Szalinski: You tell him, Jenny! Access denied!
- Diane Szalinski: That is one good kid you have.
- Patti Szalinski: And you know what? She can take care of herself.
- [Their answering machine message:]
- Wayne Szalinski: You've reached the Szalinskis. At the sound of the beep, please leave your message, your fax, or your binary file.
- Diane Szalinski: If they don't un-shrink us they will be in so much trouble!
- Gordon Szalinski: Oh yeah? What are you going to do about it, Thumbelina?
- [Landing in a laundry basket]
- Wayne Szalinski: Honey, I don't think we're using enough fabric softener.
- [Climbing up a wicker chair]
- Wayne Szalinski: Honey, at least you're getting some exercise.
- Diane Szalinski: Yeah. Now that I've got a wicker chair, I don't need to go to the gym anymore.
- Wayne Szalinski: The kids are messy eaters, so there'll be plenty of crumbs for us to eat.
- Gordon Szalinski: Wayne, we're not gonna spend the rest of our lives tiny; we're going to get big again... somehow.
- Wayne Szalinski: Diane, are you going to stay mad at me the whole time or are you going to try and make the best of this bad situation?
- Diane Szalinski: I'm going to stay mad at you the whole time.
- [on the answering machine]
- Wayne Szalinski: Guess what? Gordon and I got tickets to see the space shuttle-land tonight, so if it's okay, we're going to take off.
- Diane Szalinski: [picks up the phone] No, Wayne. It is not OK! Patty and I are going on vacation. I must've told you this 15 times. Do you remember?
- Wayne Szalinski: Sure I remembered. But then I... forgot.
- Diane Szalinski: Well listen to me Wayne, and listen good. I am going on this vacation and nothing and no one can STOP ME!
- [hangs up]
- Wayne Szalinski: [into the phone] You *do* need a vacation...
- Adam Szalinski: Did Nick ever complain about Camp Isosceles?
- Diane Szalinski: He sure did. He *hated* it. He didn't like the fact that it lasted only six weeks instead of eight.
- Adam Szalinski: [under his breath] Brain-box.
- Wayne Szalinski: Your dad's invention is going to be in the Smithsonian alongside the gramophone!
- Adam Szalinski: What's a gramophone?
- Wayne Szalinski: An early record player.
- Adam Szalinski: What's a record player?
- Wayne Szalinski: An early CD player.
- Wayne Szalinski: [greeting her and the robot-dog] Hey, Tina. Hey, Trowser.
- Trina: Say hello, Trowser.
- Trowser: [barking] Hello - hello.
- Wayne Szalinski: "Hello"?
- Trina: Turns out, that's what "woof" means.
- [last lines]
- Adam Szalinski: Hey, did you make any changes while I was gone?
- Wayne Szalinski: Well, I did move the Tiki Man into the backyard. What do you think?
- [first lines]
- Diane Szalinski: [on the phone] I'm so excited, Patty. I've been looking at the La Costa brochure every day for two months.
- Diane Szalinski, Patti Szalinski: Mitch, look at us! We're right here! Mitch! Mitch, your pills are over here!
- [Mitch hears and spots the shrunken Diane and Patti on the table]
- Mitch Szalinski: Mom?
- Diane Szalinski: Yeah.
- [Mitch faints after seeing the shrunk two in the table]
- Corky: [holds up her doll] Look, I brought Clarissa!
- Jenny Szalinski: Clarissa? We're not into dolls anymore.
- Corky: We're not?
- Holly: No, now we're into boys.
- Gordon Szalinski: [test-drinking the tequila to make his and Wayne's bodies glow] Cheers.
- Wayne Szalinski: [at first doesn't realize] It's not working. It's supposed to make my body glow.
- Gordon Szalinski: Mmm-hmm. Open your shirt.
- Wayne Szalinski: [lifts his shirt up] Gee, is that my stomach?
- Gordon Szalinski: Yeah. And here's mine. The problem is, the liquid just stays in your gut. I don't know what to do.
- Wayne Szalinski: Well obviously, it's not getting enough absorbent in the bloodstream. Have you tried going through the calcium channel?
- Gordon Szalinski: The calcium channel?
- Wayne Szalinski: Yeah, and mix it with milk. That'll make it work. It's obvious.
- Gordon Szalinski: Hey, I'm not without ideas. I was gonna suggest making the highway workers wear tube tops.
- Jenny Szalinski: [after all their moms left] Now what?
- Wayne Szalinski: You guys are all guests in my house this weekend, and I want us to have a good time. So I planned a little kickoff surprise. We are gonna use marshmallows, and gumdrops, to make models of water molecules.
- [the kids briefly just stand there staring at Wayne like he's going crazy]
- Wayne Szalinski: What do you think?
- Mitch Szalinski: You're a maniac, Uncle Wayne!
- Wayne Szalinski: [laughs] I know. Anyway, we're going to put them together-- Oh darn, I forgot to get toothpicks. I'm gonna need you guys to run down to the mini-mart for me. How much do you think toothpicks cost?
- Jenny Szalinski: Oh, about 6 or 7 dollars a box.
- Wayne Szalinski: [gives Jenny a 10 dollar bill] Well, here's a 10. If there's any change get yourselves some snacks. But see if you can get back within an hour or so, okay? For some molecule action.
- [the kids leave]
- Gordon Szalinski: Wayne, that's not like you. You forgot to get toothpicks.
- [Wayne hysterically giggles]
- Gordon Szalinski: What? What's so funny?
- Wayne Szalinski: It was just a ruse to get them out of the house.
- Gordon Szalinski: A ruse? Why?
- Wayne Szalinski: To save Tiki Man.
- Jenny Szalinski: [on the helmet phone] So, guess what? My parents are out of town, so we have the whole house to ourselves. So I think I'm gonna throw a party...
- Jody: [on the phone, squeals in delight] Oh, my gosh, a party! Wait till you see what I'm gonna wear!
- Jenny Szalinski: Mom, about that Ricky King thing.
- Patti Szalinski: Sweetheart, I was so proud of you the way you handled yourself with that boy. And the way you took care of your brother. From now on, I trust you.
- Wayne Szalinski: I gotta take the time to appreciate the world around me. I've been working too hard. I need to stop and notice things.
- Diane Szalinski: Really, like what?
- Wayne Szalinski: Well, like the intricate weave of this carpet... or the perfect cylindrical quality of this roach turd.
- Diane Szalinski: Roach turd?
- Wayne Szalinski: Not to worry. See it's dry. Whoever dropped this left a long time ago. Maybe weeks or months...
- Diane Szalinski: [to Patty] We vacuum more than that.
- Wayne Szalinski: Nope, the only thing you gotta worry about is if you ran into...
- [pokes one that breaks open]
- Wayne Szalinski: a wet one.
- Jill: This stuff is really good. What's in it?
- Wayne: [He and Gordon are all covered in onion dip sauce] The Szalinski brothers!
- Gordon Szalinski: Yep.
- [Wayne and Gordon have carried the Tiki Man up the stairs into the attic]
- Gordon Szalinski: The thing's only seven feet tall. Call me crazy, I think Diane might notice this.
- Wayne Szalinski: Not if I shrink it.
- [Wayne pulls a sheet off the refurbished shrinking machine]
- Gordon Szalinski: Wow. The machine looks beautiful!
- Wayne Szalinski: Yeah. I got it out of mothballs and polished it up for the Smithsonian.
- [beat]
- Wayne Szalinski: I'm gonna fire it up.
- [Wayne begins frantically flipping switches and pressing buttons]
- Gordon Szalinski: Right.
- [realizes what Wayne's just said]
- Gordon Szalinski: Oh, no. No, no! You're not gonna start it -- start it up again? You can't start it up again! You were banned from using this by a joint committee of the FDA and your wife!
- Wayne Szalinski: Is the FDA here? Is my wife here? I've made up my mind. I'm gonna shrink that Tiki Man so I can carry it with me always. Besides, it's a point of honor!
- Jenny Szalinski: How'd you know bananas have potassium?
- Adam Szalinski: I can't always ignore my dad's science talk.
- Adam Szalinski: Wouldn't it be cool if our parents never came back?
- Mitch Szalinski: You think it could happen?
- Adam Szalinski: No, I'm just saying what if?
- Mitch Szalinski: Yeah, well, I don't think I'd miss them that much. I mean, I like when they take me places. And I sorta wish my mom was here to um, clean up the mess in the kitchen.
- Patti Szalinski: [listening from the laundry hamper] What am I, your servant?