Werewolf

Well, let's put it like this. They must have spent more money for the cool-looking holographic werewolf-transformation cover than they spent for the entire rest of the movie.

It was a horrible, horrible film. Makes Plan 9 look like Ben Hur.

Believe it or not, this film starts out pretty promisingly. A team of archaeologists working on a dig in Arizona unearth the skeleton of a bipedal wolf creature. The Native American diggers are instantly suspicious, claiming that these are the remains of a Skinwalker. When one of them is struck with the skull during a fight, the gash becomes infected and the man begins to change into a living, breathing werewolf running amok in a hospital!

This could have been a good little film. But it lacks a decent script...and good actors...and a coherent storyline and convincing special effects and...well, it lacks more than it has. The plot (what there is of it) consists of an Andy Garcia lookalike taking FOREVER to transform into a wolfman, and a bodybuilding dork who runs around injecting random people with werewolf juice for no apparent reason whatsoever. There's also a redheaded love interest with the face of a rabbit and the personality of a coat hangar who loves the wolf and is pursued by the dork. Richard Lynch is here too as the head of the archaeology department, though the writer of this mess apparently had no idea what to do with his character and has Lynch wander around in search of something to do or say. Joe Estevez disappears with no explanation after the first half hour and is replaced with Sam the Keeper, an aging hippie/militia man who is far scarier than the werewolf proves to be.

This movie is just a total mess. Avoid it at all costs.

Read the other reviews, I concur with all of them. But here is something to consider:

While I am not a true scholar of bad film, I have seen much of the MST3K collection, and countless other examples of truly wretched cinema. And in my opinion, this film may indeed have captured the worst performance in any commercially released film. It's not your ordinary woodenness, it's not merely the sheer inability to convey fear, happiness, or anger. There are countless bad actresses. Sure, the script was already incomprehensible. But that's common too.

No, I believe Adrianna Miles' performance is the result of taking a (terrible) actor, and then handing her a (terrible) script IN A LANGUAGE SHE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND, and only giving her the weakest possible direction on how to parrot the syllables.

Imagine Pauly Shore as the lead in a Chinese horror film, IN Chinese, where the director and voice coach hate him so much, that they refuse to even explain to him what is supposed to be happening in the scene.

To me, its the best explanation of the "This is absolutely fascinatingggg" scene, and every other time she is supposed to be performing "dialog". It's why she giggles while someone is writhing in supposed agony on the floor in front of her, and why she does not seem to recognize that the male lead is not supposed to spit in her hair while wooing her.

See this film. It may be one for the ages.

This is a film that was featured on my favorite television show Mystery Science Theater 3000. It made for a very funny episode of the show as there was just a lot of aspects to the film to riff. You had Joe Estevez who is Martin Sheen's brother who I am guessing only gets roles because he looks like his more famous sibling. You have a dude who changes his hairstyle several times during the film, you have a solid actor in Richard Lynch reduced to a very underwhelming role and wearing a grandmotherly sweater and you have the two lead characters who both sound like they are from the same country in Europe. It is not all bad though, as the werewolf at times looks pretty good and the lead female has a nice set to stare at, but that is just not enough to rate the film any higher than the two I have given it here. It was not boring though and there were also a couple of good kills, but there is just too much randomness going on in this one to rank it higher. The fact that the film goes in one direction and shows you the beast and then proceeds to take it in another direction with another main character kind of weakens the film.

The story starts out having people digging in the desert, searching for stuff. Well, they find the remains of something and then proceed to get in a fight that Richard Lynch must stop. One of the workers gets cut on the remains that resemble some sort of animal, but also has some human qualities too. Well the guy who gets cut becomes a werewolf and the guy who constantly changes his hair proceeds to make matters worse and soon the guy is a full blown werewolf who promptly gets shot. Is the movie over already? No, another character is introduced who goes to a party and somehow gets involved in the whole affair and gets cut too as the dude who changes his hair also likes to wield werewolf skulls as weapons. Soon, the writer who likes the girl with the nice rack and is apparently from the same country as him, starts changing and running through the streets and doing things!

This made for a great episode of MST3K. It is a bad film, but not a boring film. There is enough in it to keep one entertained throughout and for the gang to riff throughout too. The film is much longer without being on the show as I am guessing MST3K showed maybe an hour and ten minutes while the run time for the standard version is an hour and 39 minutes. That would probably explain some of the more confusing jumps in it, but I am pretty sure the movie would remain pretty bad even with the extra time as the two lead characters are still going to be talking with thick accents and that one guy may have even had a couple of more hairstyles on display. I do think there had to be more with Richard Lynch though as his character kind of disappears at the tail end of the MST3K version.

So, while this film is severely cut for its showing on MST3K, I am just going to assume that whatever was cut was not going to make this thing an Oscar contender. As I've said the werewolf looks pretty good at times, but a lot of the time it is just some hair here and there and at other times it resembles a bear. The characters are over the top and fun to make fun of, but it is kind of sad to see Richard Lynch stuck in this mess. The guy was in some good films during his career and this is most definitely not one of them! In the end though it is a perfect film for MST3K and I think that if they had simply continued to do the show as like a DVD release here and there after SyFy canceled it, they could do more justice to films like this because they could do more unedited versions. I am kind of curious to see an uncut version just to see if that one gal goes topless!

Thrill to the harpsichord music in the pool hall scene! Wonder at our heroine's ability to abuse English syntax and pronunciation! Tremble as the "wuur-wilves" grow wispy hair extensions and don animal puppet heads before striking! Shudder from exposure to the looney militant caretaker! Cackle as the greedy and inexplicably violent archaeologist's hair style and color spontaneously change from scene to scene! And don't miss Charlie Sheen's uncle's critical role as an itinerant site-digger.

Let's face it -- the only way to watch this dud is with the Mystery Science Theater 3000 crew lambasting it. Richard Lynch, ordinarily a good character actor, must have really been hurting financially to allow himself to be seen (and wasted) in this were-dog of a movie. Other favorite parts of mine include the hero turning off a radio, abruptly ending the annoying spooky soundtrack, and (in the MST3K version) Mike and the 'Bots' sing-along variations on the end theme.