Phat Beach

Before "Phat Beach" (which was JFK's answer to Vietnam.), I was a loser. I was going to college to major in being a burger flipper. I was goin' nowheresville fast. But as soon as I saw "Phat Beach", I instantly knew that my life would never be the same. It inspired me to find true love by stealing my dad's car to find my dream woman. Like the movie, I was almost hit by a huge truck while sleeping right before I got to a Phat Beach. But, enough about me. The movie was excellent: great plot, great hot boxes, great actors, great kenny rogerz. The only thing that could be better would be Woody Allen and more hott black ladiez. I mean, Phat black ladies. I mean, Phat African Americans.

I want to get the DVD, because I hear that there's cRaZy bloopers where Benny joins the navy and steals some car or some crap.

But Coolio is in this movie, and I was very offended. I hate him so much. The only thing worse than his acting is his horrible, horrible music (which is, in some ways, Phat).

If I were to sum this movie up in one statement, it would be, "gangbanging fun and 2fast2furious acting." If you liked that piece-of-crap movie, you'll probably hate Phat Beach, due to it being Phatter.

This got a 3 on the PH scale. It was like acid. But the good kind. The Phat kind. The kind that you put on sores to get sick, sick pleasure.

Like oranges.

You can compare this movie to F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby. Benny was Gatsby, in the way that he was longing for his one true woman that he knew about, but could never obtain. Like Nick, his friend Direll or whatever that guy's name, he got the woman. And just like The Great Gatsby, everybody died in the end.

Watching Phat Beach is also statistically proven to reduce the risk of heart cancer and HIV.

PHAT BEACH RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

This is the epic tale of a overweight young man and his player buddy Darnell's trip to the beach, the Phat Beach! The fat boy steals his father's Benz and off they go, with visions of fat booties in their heads. Once they get there, Darnell is getting mo' booty than a bike seat and the fat man (whose name I can't remember, else I'd use it, I'm not trying to offend the overweight here) keeps getting rejected. He sees his dream girl and chases her as best as he can, but she is cruel to him. The film then begins to get pretty depressing with the fat man wandering around alone while Darnell keeps getting them ladies. There is something I like about this movie, and I honestly don't know what it is. Nothing really happens in it, it isn't very funny, there is little to no nudity, Coolio is in it for about three seconds, but I am always drawn back to it. About once a year I get a craving for Phat Beach. It takes all kinds, I guess. In Phat Beach related news: I gave this DVD to a friend for his birthday. His house was broken into on my birthday and a bunch of stuff was stolen, including this DVD. Bizarre.

Many people don't like this movie. To me, it's a classic. Sure, it spawned from the West Coast, and as we all know, everything comes from the West to the East, but this movie is an exception. Nineteen Ninety Six; the year Antichrist Superstar came out. Even though this is a very funny movie and some lines from it will be repeated for years, the wardrobe and music seems to be at least four years behind the original release date. At first viewing, you would think this film was released in 1991 or 1992 considering all the music and styles, but turn the DVD case over and you'll see 1996. I think this is the only exception that the East Coast was WAY ahead of the West Coast.

Overall, a hilarious movie with lines you will repeat over and over again.

Is nothing else on TV? Are you really bored? Well, then watch Phat Beach. However, don't rent it and definitely DO NOT buy it. That would be a big mistake.

I watched this on TV and found myself laughing at certain points. I did not laugh long and I did not laugh hard. However, there were subtle jokes and comments I laughed at. If you are looking for an extremely funny "hood" movie then watch Friday. If you are looking for a powerful emotional movie (something that this movie tries at..kind of) watch something like hoop dreams or Jason's Lyric. If you are lookin for some good black "booty" go watch a Dominique Simone porn flick, because the nudity in this movie is nearly non-existent. However, if you have nothing better to do and this is on cable, go ahead and watch it. You will be slightly amused.

***3 out of 10***

Jermaine Hopkins wants to spend his summer taking a writing course. His father insists he get a job at the local burger joint. His friend, Brian Hooks, talks him into quitting his job, taking his father's car and driving down to Los Angeles in search of women.

If you're looking for a well produced movie about a hapless dolt confronted with an unending series of stupid, underdressed, overendowed young women and stupid, obnoxious men, who triumphs because of a magically unreturnable volleyball serve, this is the movie for you. Add in what was clearly intended to be funny situations, but which will make you cringe into fetal position if you have any empathy at all, and you have this movie.

Clearly this was intended to be some sort of Ferris Bueller-gone-wrong movie. However the only thing that goes wrong is the movie, from beginning to end.