The Lord Protector

When I saw this film, I assumed it had been made in the late seventies - the effects are almost drawn onto the screen; but then I spotted in was made in 1996 and my appreciation really slumped. The first thing you notice is that old Ben Hur himself is the narrator - but why? Did he need the cash? The story, not that it really matters - is a sort of "Conan" meets "Red Sonja" affair with the hero "Rennick" (Patrick Cassidy) and his trusty team of stalwarts setting off to engage the epitome of evil in a battle for the very survival of our planet. Oddly enough, the campy performances; the large-scale paper-maché sets and the merry accompanying score might be more passable if the dialogue hadn't been written by an eight year old with English as his/her fifth language. The sword and sandals fight scenes are all terribly theatrically staged, and the visual effects are similar to those on a game of "Asteroids". Not the worst, but you can see it from here...

In the 80s, a film like this would have been awesome. Blood, muscles up steroid dudes wielding swords and hot gals that would go topless often. They would also have some practical effects monster that would sometimes look pretty good. Then the 90s came around and things became dull. Here we have annoying yelling nerds as our heroes, empty waterways and caves where one would expect monsters and okay looking women not topless. So everything that made the 80s sword and sorcery films awesome is missing here and we are left a bit bored.

The story has a very annoying guy gathering a group together to fight the darkness. He shouts a lot and lacks charisma. That is okay, so does most of the people he has join him with the exception of the swordsmen looking for a plant, he is alright; granted, I could not understand him a lot of the time. They battle people in this thing, no trying to have any cool battles here. They face obvious traitors, a romance and possibly victory with minimal effort put into the film as possible.

I did not really recognize most of the cast, Charlton Heston did narration and Olivia Hussey did a voice, but none of the people in the film looked familiar. Lead guy shouts to much, the doofus who follows the group could be called captain bland, the only one who seemed to try was the sword guy who was so immersed in character he was hard to understand because of the accent...

So, if watching a group of travelers going into a magical waterway and a cave where no man has returned despite there being nothing in either place, watching a romance flair that is totally predictable and that is missing everything that made these types of films fun then this is your movie! You also probably think mayonnaise is too spicy...

Narrated by Chuck Heston, you can tell he did only one take on some of the entries due to the inflection. Musetta Vander has one short scene, love ya Mu, wish there were more of you in this! Cassidy tries hard, and keep up the effort, but I have to say that Jonathan Fuller's performance makes the film watchable. If you're into D&D and renaissance festivals, you might find this fun. One of my best friends lost his shirt investing in this, but he has since gotten back on his feet. Yes, the producers had done a number of successful films in the past, and everyone is allowed a turkey or two. I just wish it hadn't been this one. I wish I could give it more than 5 stars, but 3 of them are because of John as Malthon/Nohtlam. The bit with the hand that has a mind of its own is a blast. I noticed they fixed some of the soundtrack issues when they re-named the film, and more of a back story would have helped. Still, with a few disjointed scenes and all it is a fun escapism film.

Okay, I haven't actually seen this film. But once upon a time I got a phone call from someone representing the producer of "Witchboard" and "Season of Fear" looking for investors for a proposed movie to be called "Lord Protector." They told me they had already lined up Charlton Heston to narrate, and were offering roles to F. Murray Abraham and Michael Rooker. They mailed me a prospectus and everything, but in the end I passed. I wonder if I would have made good on my investment? I really should try to find this and see how the movie turned out. I'd probably be a lot more interested if they'd really ended up with Michael Rooker.

Charlton Heston does a fine job narrating this fantasy film featuring an other-wordly plot and some neat special effects. Patrick Cassidy (David's brother)stars along with Jay Underwood (The Boy Who Could Fly). The entire cast seems to be having fun, playing their parts with tongues planted firmly in cheek. Of course, this sort of G-rated fare is produced primarily for the kid demographic, but grown-ups can enjoy it too.