- [Nick the landlord wants the rent]
- Mike O'Hara: Write a check.
- Jimmy Flaherty: It'll bounce.
- Mike O'Hara: Write it anyway.
- Larry Bird: Fans like you make me sick. You love us when we're winning, and you hate us when we're losing, It's pathetic. You guys should learn a little something about loyalty.
- Lewis Scott: Who are you man? Some bitter ex-high school player who never really made it? You sit around, watching sports, criticizing professional athletes 'cause you wish it was you out there.
- Mike O'Hara: [Scoffs] You are so far off. It's sad.
- [Groans Quietly]
- Mike O'Hara: [after hearing Marv Albert mention talking about him and Jimmy on the radio] ...Jimmy! Marv Albert's talking about us on the radio... Ohhh I could die now!
- Lewis Scott: What is this, a black thing?
- Mike O'Hara: Oh please. If the Orioles were in the pennant race with the Red Sox, we'd tie up Cal Ripken, Jr. And he's as white as they come.
- Mike O'Hara: Hey Scott! I heard Manute Bol is banging your mom!
- Jimmy Flaherty: Manute Bol! Your mom!
- Lewis Scott: Oh, that's whitty, whitey.
- Jimmy Flaherty: [playing Invent-A-Drink] This one is called Jimmy's Dick. It's short
- [sets down shot glass]
- Jimmy Flaherty: fat
- [sets another shot glass to the right]
- Jimmy Flaherty: but it fills the gap.
- [sets down one in the middle]
- Suzy: [handing Jimmy a hotdog] ...I toasted it just the way you like.
- Jimmy Flaherty: How'd you do that? There's no toaster around here.
- Suzy: I used my curling iron.
- Lurch: Yo, coach, I'll play. Just give me a chance. I can handle the rock.
- Coach Kimball: I'll call you if I need you, Lurch.
- Lurch: Don't dog me, coach. I've got the bad crap.
- Coach Kimball: Well, I'll tell you what, you take the bad crap and this basketball and DO THE DRILLS! Now!
- [Lurch misses a sure slam dunk]
- Coach Kimball: I hate my life.
- Mike O'Hara: [Jimmy punched him] Why did you do that for?
- Jimmy Flaherty: I am sick and tired of your bullshit!