- Cop: Sir, have you had anything to drink today?
- Archie Moses: [drunk] I had about a half a beer, the dog had a lot.
- Archie Moses: [Trying to escape out of the window in the shower, Keats puts his gun in his ass] AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!
- Keats: Let me guess. You dropped the soap!
- Archie Moses: Please take that thing out of my ass.
- Keats: [Charlie, the motel manager looks up and sees them] I want you on the bed. Now.
- Archie Moses: In actuality, I was hitting on her harder than you think, motherfucker! So why don't you step the fuck back before I bitch slap your fucking heiney!
- Archie Moses: See that, your head hurts 'cus you feel guilty.
- Keats: My head hurts 'cus you shot me in it!
- Archie Moses: You wank off a lot?
- Chuck: What's a lot?
- Archie Moses: You know, you got 5 minutes off, slip into one of the rooms, pull down your lil' panty's wack it.
- Archie Moses: I see you've got porno here
- Chuck: Yes, we have an excellent selection
- Archie Moses: Good I like the porn
- Chuck: Well, good
- Traci: Jack, Colton made me do it. He would've killed me if I hadn't done it...
- Archie Moses: Ooh, watch it now, Keats, l she's playin' you.
- Traci: But then I fell in love with you.
- Archie Moses: But... then I fell... shut the fuck up!
- Traci: I swear to God I did!
- Archie Moses: Ah, she's lyin' out her devil ass!
- Traci: Will you shut the fuck up?
- Archie Moses: Why don't you make me?
- [she knocks the gun out of his hand and punches him, sending him down the stairs]
- Archie Moses: Jesus... I gotta learn how to fight; this is pathetic.