- Mike: [on stage making a fool of himself] That's one small step for man! One giant... I have a dream!
- Mike: [cold calling voters] Hi! This is Mike Donnelly. I work over here at the Recreational Center. To be honest, I pretty much run the place; hahaha! Is this, uh, Pat..Giles? Good, good! Hey, I hope everything's going great in your fine town of, uh, Avery..Atwood! Hahaha. Say, the reason I'm calling is I wanted to tell you about the candidacy of Al Donnelly. Al Donnelly's a guy with a dream. His dream is to be the governor of this great State of Washington. Hell, every guy's got his dream; am I right? Between you, me, and the wall, I had a doozy myself last night!
- [chortles]
- Mike: Get this: A hooker, a nun, a Flemish peasant woman, whips, chains, whistles, yo-yo's, a circus midget, my grandmother riding by on a bicycle giving me the finger, and a duck! Hahahahaha! Now, I don't know -- Are you crying?
- [gasps]
- Mike: Oh, my Lord! I am sorry, honey; please don't -- could you get your daddy on the phone? No! Don't hang up, please, I --
- [click. Mike hangs up]
- Mike: ... Whoa.
- [Mike is pretending to be a cop, Steve is pretending to be a prisoner]
- Steve: Ro-ads. Ro-ods.
- Mike: Quiet back there! I've taken enough guff from you for one day!
- [turns to state trooper]
- Mike: Raving psycho! Butchered 400 chickens and screwed a beagle. I'm taking him back to Nevada where he's wanted for banging horses!
- Mike: [dressed as security guard] Please move away from this vector and get into another coordinate, pronto. There's no access for you in this quadrant.
- Teen: Man, why don't you goose-step on down to the women and children over there and give them your little power trip, because they may be impressed by it. Asshole!
- Mike: Young man, I'm gonna twist off your head and spike it onto the floors of a nightmare you can't even imagine! I will dance with you inside the six-sided ring of fire, unless you move from this area, far and fast!
- [steam shoots out of his ears]
- Mike: NOW!
- Teen: ...WOW.
- [scurries off]
- Mike: [cheering on Rock the Vote Crowd] Yea! Kill whitey!
- [crowd goes silent]
- Rastafarian: No! No! No!
- Mike: Man! This place is trashed!
- Steve: Check this out! This whole fridge is held up here just by this plug!
- [unplugs the fridge, letting it slide toward Mike, pinning him against the wall]
- Steve: You OK?
- Mike: [groaning in pain] I'm just dandy! I got a bowl of chocolate pudding in my underpants!
- Steve: ... We didn't have any pudding in there, buddy.
- Governor Tracy: Neuschwander... Are you finished stirring that drink, or is this some kind of fucking science experiment?
- Governor Tracy: Here's the rub: Now you'll have to tell me your name so I know who to make the check out to.
- Clyde: My best friends call me Cash.
- Mike: [on stage making a fool of himself] Voting kicks ass right! Cause, uh, if voting kicks ass, you got some kick ass shit!
- [the roof has blown off the house and it begins to hail all over Mike who is in the top bunk]
- Steve: Hey Mike! 'I got dibs on top bunk!' Ha ha ha ha.
- Mike: Shut up!
- Steve: Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, I love it.
- Mike: Why don't you shut up?
- Steve: 'Hellooooo Washington'. Ha ha ha.
- Mike: SHUT! UP!
- Steve: Hahahahahahahaaaa. Ohhh, no.
- [Mike's bed, with the added weight of the hail, collapses from above]
- Mike: Oh!
- Steve: Aaaooow!
- Motorcycle Cop: Could you take him through here a little faster than seven miles per hour, Officer...
- Mike: Meoff, Jack.
- [turns to Steve and mouths "Jack Meoff"]
- Governor Tracy: [Mike has just given evidence that Governor Tracy's campaign has committed voter fraud] Now hold on young man, there is a good explanation for all of this. Neuschwander?
- Neuschwander: Actually, there is a very good explanation for this.
- [Tracy smiles]
- Neuschwander: She put us up to it.
- Governor Tracy: [hushed] Would you shut up?
- Neuschwander: It's all her!
- Governor Tracy: [hushed] Shut up!
- Neuschwander: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
- Motorcycle Cop: [Steve and Mike are high on nitrous oxide and have been pulled over] Tell me, Officer: Do you have any idea how fast you were going?
- Mike: [Mike licks lips nervously] Wellll... I got a 426 Hemi in her. Three-quarter cams, nitro boosters. I can get 'er up to as good as 155.
- [reassuringly]
- Mike: Never do, though. Of course, I'm chasing a cute chick in a Ferrari!
- [slaps Officer on the arm and laughs uproariously, until he sees the other Officer is seething in anger and not laughing]
- Mike: ... I guess I was going about 65... tops?
- Motorcycle Cop: SEVEN!
- [Mike reacts]
- Motorcycle Cop: Seven miles an hour.
- Motorcycle Cop: And normally, when I stop people, they pull on the shoulder!
- [Mike looks out the window, then cringes when he realizes he's parked on the center line]
- Steve: [Steve is going to flip off the old lady, and starts out by acting like he's digging around in his pocket looking for it] Lady, I got something for ya. Kind of a souvenir for you here.
- Old lady: [impatiently] Yes?
- Steve: [falters, then changes his mind] Never mind; forget it.
- Old lady: [Looks at his hand] What'cha doing? Playing Pocket Pool there, son?
- Steve: [tries to push past her] Excuse me.
- Old lady: Hey, ya got a lil chubby goin' on there!
- [stalks off]
- Old lady: Dream on, you little fart.
- [Steve mouths "Yeah" and covers his face in embarrassment]
- Harold: [as he and "Mother" drive off with Mike's tie caught in their trunk, pulling Mike along] He must be all hopped up on Crack Cocaine.
- Steve: [completely wasted on the nitrous oxide] ... But, this map is heavy... It's got all of those... robes on it. Robes? Rogues?
- Mike: [also stoned; giggling] Roads!
- Steve, Mike: Aahahahaha!
- Mike: [suddenly stops laughing] I'm stoned... so are you!
- [looks in the backseat]
- Mike: Dammit! The nitrous oxide's leaking into the car! OK, calm down... we just gotta keep under the speed limit... limit...
- [starts giggling again]
- Mike: Limit! Haha, that's another one of those freaky words!
- Governor Tracy: I have heard the voice of the voters and the voters said...
- [Mike is screaming for help while hoisting by his underwear on a satellite dish]
- Governor Tracy: ...Holy Shit?
- Mike: [driving a campaign van, over a loudspeaker] Attention, Buckley residents: Voters of all ages, vote for Al Donnelly. He's the best man for the job. You can count on Al, that's for sure! Folks, if you're wondering who to vote for, Al Donnelly's the man for the job.
- [checks out his sideview mirror and sees a couple dozen dogs trailing him]
- Mike: Time to go home now, little doggies. Nothing in this truck for you, no food.
- [pause]
- Mike: Dogs, I want you to go home.
- [pause]
- Mike: GET OFF MY BUMPER! Come on, jeepers!
- [looks straight ahead and sees he's about to run straight into a ladder]
- Mike: Agggh!
- [swerves and barely misses the ladder, knocking off part of his campaign sign]
- Mike: Oh... my... GOD.
- [keeps driving, looks in his sideview mirror and sees the dogs still trailing him]
- Mike: What is WITH you dogs? DO YOU THINK THIS TRUCK IS IN HEAT OR SOMETHING? Get out of here!
- [last lines]
- Al Donnelly: [as Mike sees his brother and Steve off in their plane] So long, little brother.
- Mike Donnelly: Okay, see you, Al. So this is it, huh, Steve?
- Steve Dodds: I guess I'm gonna miss you. I'm not gonna miss a 9mm to my head, but... What were you thinking?
- Mike Donnelly: I don't know. All right, you guys. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
- [as they board, Mike closes the door and waves goodbye, but his coat is caught in the door, and the planes starts to drag him]
- Mike Donnelly: Oh, my God! No! No! Please don't take off! Please! Al! Al! No, no! NOOOOOOOOOOO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!
- [the planes takes off, and Mike flies along for the ride]