Patto a tre

The actors in this laughable, straight-to-video erotic "thriller" seem to be in a competition for booby prizes. It's really hard for the viewer to decide who gives the worst performance: the stunningly untalented Tanya Roberts, the irritating and unnatural Timothy Bottoms or the amazingly unattractive, horribly miscast Margaux Hemingway ? The script tries to hold our interest by continuously adding twists and doublecrosses, but the poor acting and the amateurish direction doom this suspesnseless film. All it has going for it are some hot sex scenes with Roberts. (*)

This turned out to be a corny, well shot, artistically lit, and very entertaining film. Certainly worth tracking down for Tanya Roberts fans.

I haven't seen a film with Margaux Hemingway for awhile and now remember that she talks just like Carol Channing in need of a voice coach. Tanya Roberts is not much better. Tanya seems to be saying "tough stuff" in a monotone so often her dialog sounds dubbed from reading off screen. The film seems to aim for violent kills and eroticism every five minutes and can't decide which flavor it wants to dish out more of, each very badly. Some of the lines are so mechanical it makes you laugh at the wrong time. The wording of the voice overs is a bit artificial at times. It makes me glad people have finally grown tired of imitating Basic Instinct with dozens of movies like it.

I just came off a Chinese copy of this, the subtitles are horrendously excruciatingly hilariously bad. "Do you want a drink?" became "Do you want a drain?" and "I'll bet Cary Grant spent his life basking in the sun" became "I've been carried half my life" and "bite the hand that feeds you" to "bite the head that feeds you" and other incompetent stuff like that. Van Nuys mentioned in the script, carelessly becomes some Chinese-sounding town. I'll just bet that the Chinese subtitles are even worse. These Chinese translator dudes do not even have a chicken's thought, for a hen at least knows to turn over its eggs.

Picture quality of the DVD is weak, but then, this is a rip-off Fred Olen Ray production, the original possibly made with substandard equipment. I am generally used to the pristine quality of box office hits. Presented with anything lower, I get real grumpy, and it's gonna show here:

Okay, that's the DVD, we're talking about the movie itself here. But after the messy presentation on what seemed to be an old VHS scratchy copy, I feel kinda bummed out of my mind.

Make no mistake, the movie is disgracefully bad, but Tanya, a few years after A VIEW TO A KILL, still looks wonderful. She's got the kind of legs I get lyrical about. Long and lean and shapely, a human antelope, a gazelle. Remember, she was SHEENA during the middle Eighties, and the final addition to CHARLIE'S ANGELS. Not to mention Bond girl. The acting is horrendous, hers for the most part as well. Imagine Tanya sounding rough. Weird. It was weird enough, the bad quality image, the weak script, and Tanya sounding like a tough New Yorker ("I wuz wondering what my job wuz exactly..." Very un- Tanya)

Valerie Wildman delivers the kind of acting performance that would have made her a big hit at a grade school production. And that's how the "movie" starts. Excruciatingly embarrassing to watch, she makes a one brain cell moronic idiot of herself. If she could be ordered to watch this "movie" today, hell, I should be in the room, I'd just love to see her cringing around trying to hide her head in shame, giving the kind of performance her character needed in the script during that Tanya & Joseph sex scene. She is even worse than Margeaux, and that takes some doing! The less said about Margeaux Hemingway the better. She sounds like she's had a stroke and should still be convalescing. Cold, reptilian Joseph Bottoms is off-putting to begin with. Fred Olen Ray is a no-talent opportunist who simply had the right connections, possibly handing out candy you can't buy in a store. I"m only speculating there.

The script is nonsensical with nobody living up to any character motivation. It's an excuse for nudity (no complaints from me) and half-assed unconvincing violence.

Holding a post mortem on what felt like a stupid movie to watch, I discovered that Tanya was on the screen for long periods of time looking MELROSE PLACE pretty, with that seen- from-behind bare back and buttocks tantric meditation scene with the candles, and another careful side-on nearly-nude scanty panty scene which is just very, very tasteful. Then there are several wild steamy sex encounters, she has the loveliest fragile-looking bare ribs, like a bird, people, aw, Sheena baby, BUT while watching first time round, I just groaned at the stupid story and the bad reproduction. So the full effect was totally lost on me, that is saying a lot for how bad the fuzzy image made it look.

Tanya looks like a contender for Heather Locklear's prime position (back then, this was 1991, MP was a couple years later) but she must have really needed the money (or the candy connection?) to be in such absolutely dismal no-production-value stuff.

Yes, back in the days of the now defunct IMDb message boards, there was some excessively vitriolic character assassination taking place, and I gamely took it upon myself to defend my heroine, but all the allegations about drug abuse do fit in, meaning, obvious explanation why Tanya landed here. Which explains the undertone of my review. Please understand that I revere Tanya Roberts in SHEENA, this is a die-hard fan here, and better things should have come her way. It is tragic that she made considerably wrong decisions. It is not only her loss, but the fans' loss as well.

For years later, she was obviously still in fine physical form. And there should have been another big hit movie. Something provocative, some other showcase for that delicate rib-cage, but not junk like this.

She looked great, the movie stank!

Jennifer Reed (Valerie Wildman) tries to kill herself haunted by suspicions of her husband Baxter (Joseph Bottoms)'s infidelity. She falls down the stairs instead leaving her paralyzed. She suffers her husband's anger. He is having an affair with co-worker Anna Rawlins (Margaux Hemingway). He hires live-in nurse Lynn Foster (Tanya Roberts) who is suspected of killing before.

This is pretty bad and cheesy. It's got the prerequisite cheesy sex scenes. The story tries to be a Hitchcockian thriller. It does it really really badly. There are way too many dream sequences. The acting ranges from passable to pretty bad. I guess it could be worst.