Do or Die

Despite having been blown to smithereens by Dona Speir in 'Guns' (the fifth movie in my Andy Sidaris 'Girls, Guns and G-Strings' box-set), ex-CHiPs star Erik Estrada miraculously returns in one piece for the next film Do or Die, albeit as a totally new character, good guy Richard 'Rico' Estevez; Estrada even gets to romp with Speir in a brief sex scene, no questions asked.

I guess it's what I should expect from a movie franchise in which top-heavy female federal agents squeeze into tiny outfits to take on the never-ending stream of ruthless villains who turn up on their tiny Hawaiian island. This time around, it's none other than Mr. Miyagi himself, Pat Morita, who plays the baddie, a Japanese criminal by the name of Kane, who is so fed up with buxom babes Donna and Nicole (Speir and Roberta Vasquez) ruining his illegal operations that he forces them to play a deadly game of cat and mouse against six pairs of his best killers.

Their lives in danger, the girls head for the mainland and are subsequently pursued across several states, thereby allowing Sidaris to set his cheesy action set-pieces against a variety of backdrops whilst also indulging his usual obsessions: humongous breasts, high powered weaponry, and remote control scale models (but, rather surprisingly, no men in drag). As always, there are several steamy soft-core sex scenes (a couple of which are surprisingly artful in their execution), some dumb comedy, and a few poorly staged fight and chase scenes (including one with really crap ninjas). Also adding to the fun is the introduction of two new female characters: Pandora Peaks as Atlanta Lee, owner of the film's biggest pair of tits, and Ava Cadell as Ava, owner of quite possibly the most awesome body of the whole series.

Best of all, though, is the sight of Mr. Miyagi rolling around in bed with his surgically enhanced Japanese babe Silk (Carolyn Liu), the old man clearly using moves that he never dared divulge to young Daniel Larusso.

I rate Do or Die 6.5 out of 10, rounded up to 7, making it my new favourite of the series so far.

The sixth in Andy Sidaris' series of Playboy Playmate/CIA agent extravaganzas is probably one of the most entertaining, although the story actually makes more sense than usual -- which robs it of some of its camp value. (Part of the fun of Andy's movies is trying to make sense of his unnecessarily convoluted plots, which he gleefully admits to cranking out in longhand on legal pads in "about four days.") Asian crime boss Pat Morita (so that's what happened to Arnold after he left "Happy Days"!) puts out a hit on CIA bikini-stuffers Dona Spier and Roberta Vasquez, which basically sets in motion Sidaris' take on "The Most Dangerous Game," except we've got Erik Estrada and lots of nudity thrown into the mix. It's all utterly silly, but so funny and do with so much zest that you can't help but get a big kick out of it. In many ways, it's actually better than the James Bond films of the same period (ugh! Timothy Dalton!). "Do or Die" makes its DVD debut on March 25, 2003.

It amazes me how far some stars fall. In this case, I mean Pat Morita and Erik Estrada. The "plot" involves two gorgeous, big-chested CIA agents being chased by six pairs of assassins sent by an Asian crime boss (Pat Morita). Seeing the guy from "Karate Kid" with thinning grey hair, sitting on the back of a gorgeous (and naked) Asian bombshell is enough to give one unpleasant thoughts.

Along the way, the gorgeous CIA duo pick up six fellow agents, who conveniently ultimately make up four boy/girl duos. Seeing how much sex they have, it's a wonder they don't get assassinated. One scene has the gang hiding away at a secret house on a lake and no one's supposed to know they are there. Estrada is on duty while the women sit in bikinis in a hot tub. Among the agents in bikinis is massive-chested porn star Pandora Peaks. Two assassins roar up on dirt bikes, ride out onto a dock within sight of the hot tub and pretend to be fishing. Estrada ignores them until one of the assassins shoots a flower pot instead of his target (presumably he is distracted since the sight of his scope is always focused on the women's breasts).

The good guys pretend to know what they're doing. They wear disguises, fly all sorts of planes, have shootouts and car chases, but it's just window dressing to showcase their best "assets." The scene in the trailer where a female assassin in a thong slowly shimmies into a pair of tight leather pants bears this out.

Also, beware the ending. It plays out like the producers expected to turn the film into a television series, which probably would have done more harm to Morita's career than "The Next Karate Kid."

If you want T & A, check out "Do Or Die." If you want serious action, try "Live And Let Die" or "March or Die."

My review was written in June 1991 after watching the film at a Times Square screening room.

Pat Morita switches to a heavy role with excellent results in "Do or Die". Sixth entry in the "Malibu Express" series of campy actioners is a potent picture to titlllate home video and pay-cable audiences.

Due to a tough marketplace for smaller indies, this feature is getting only minimal theatrical exposure in Nahsville ahead of RCA/Columbia's video release. It's a shame since voyeuristic action audiences would get a kick out of "Do or Die' on the big screen.

Writer-director Andy Sidaris has a streamlined plot line this time, inspired by "The Most Dangerous Game". The pair of beautiful CIA underover operatives in Hawaii, Dona Speir and Roberta Vasquez, are informed by international gangster Pat Morita that he has assigned six two-man death squads to hunt them down in fair combat. It's a trial run for his plan for world domination.

Aided by a crack team organized by their boss William Bumiller, the Molokai-based duo trek to Nevada, Louisiana and Texas with the mercenary assassins in hot pursuit. It's not surprising to fans of this pic series that the macha femmes handily dispose of the villains, even in hand-to-hand combat during a climactic ninja battle. Morita's underplaying, aided by moody lighting by Mark Morris, lends panache to his scheming role and the "Karate Kid" star also has fuin in several scenes dallying romanticlally with his statuesque Asian-American assistant Carolyn Liu. Erik Estrada, the villain of the previous entry "Guins", is back in a new role as a good guy this time.

Full complement of movie veterans from this series is augmented by several impressive newcomers: notably Atlanta's extremely bosomy dancer Stephanie Schick who has a memorable, nearly NC-17 sex scene under a watefall with handsome series regular Michael Shaen; and Ava Cadell as a smug villainess quickly dispatched by Speir and Vasquez.

Sidaris changes the action series' balance by finding time for numerous sex and/or nud scenes no matter how perilous the situation. For action fans, excellent location work in atmospheric locales delivers the goods with motorcycle, speedboat and dune buggy chases. One highlight is a quarter-scale model airplane show in the Nevada desert to set the stage for model gimmickry a la James Bond flicks.

Tech credits are above average, giving this well-produced (by the director's wife, Arlene Sidris) picture a look and scale well beyond its modest budget.

Now I am not a fan of Andy Sidaris' movies to say the least but this is the first one in a while that I actually enjoyed in parts. The plot is once again convoluted and tedious, but that is just a staple of Sidaris' films, his fans tune in for the boobs, not the story. However all the scenes with Mr Miyagi are highly entertaining, he clearly could not be bothered to be in this movie and the bored look on his face made me smile every time he was on screen. He delivers his lines with beautiful conviction and at one point we get to hear his orgasm noises, truly beautiful stuff. Apart from that there is a ninja scene which is also quite brilliant, in total this all adds up to a Sidaris movie that is actually bearable.