Do or Die

I've seen most of writer/director Andy Sidaris' movies. "Do or Die" is not the pick of the litter. The girls are dreamy, of course, but the movie seems to drag a little. It still delivers the cheap thrills I expect but for some reason this movie seems to be a little longer than its actual running time. It's not a deal breaker. It's just not my favorite.

"Do Or Die" begins with a colorful tribal dance. Hawaii was always one of the favorite locations to shoot for Sidaris. This time, a gangster boss challenges the Lethal Ladies team: He'll send 6 pairs of killers against them, and to make it impossible for them to hide, he uses a computer tracking device. "This is gonna be easy", one of the killers says - of course a fatal mistake.

Among the playful variety of assassins, my faves are the cooks from New Orleans who work on their accent and try to poison our heroes - a brilliant comedy interlude in between the sex and the violence. Of course Dona Speir and her friends have some gadgets as well, including a small model helicopter which can fire missiles. Boom, there goes another villain, and I can't say I regret one minute I spent with this entertaining production. This is the 6th out of my 12 reviews for the works of Andy Sidaris, in chronological order.

It amazes me how far some stars fall. In this case, I mean Pat Morita and Erik Estrada. The "plot" involves two gorgeous, big-chested CIA agents being chased by six pairs of assassins sent by an Asian crime boss (Pat Morita). Seeing the guy from "Karate Kid" with thinning grey hair, sitting on the back of a gorgeous (and naked) Asian bombshell is enough to give one unpleasant thoughts.

Along the way, the gorgeous CIA duo pick up six fellow agents, who conveniently ultimately make up four boy/girl duos. Seeing how much sex they have, it's a wonder they don't get assassinated. One scene has the gang hiding away at a secret house on a lake and no one's supposed to know they are there. Estrada is on duty while the women sit in bikinis in a hot tub. Among the agents in bikinis is massive-chested porn star Pandora Peaks. Two assassins roar up on dirt bikes, ride out onto a dock within sight of the hot tub and pretend to be fishing. Estrada ignores them until one of the assassins shoots a flower pot instead of his target (presumably he is distracted since the sight of his scope is always focused on the women's breasts).

The good guys pretend to know what they're doing. They wear disguises, fly all sorts of planes, have shootouts and car chases, but it's just window dressing to showcase their best "assets." The scene in the trailer where a female assassin in a thong slowly shimmies into a pair of tight leather pants bears this out.

Also, beware the ending. It plays out like the producers expected to turn the film into a television series, which probably would have done more harm to Morita's career than "The Next Karate Kid."

If you want T & A, check out "Do Or Die." If you want serious action, try "Live And Let Die" or "March or Die."

Despite having been blown to smithereens by Dona Speir in 'Guns' (the fifth movie in my Andy Sidaris 'Girls, Guns and G-Strings' box-set), ex-CHiPs star Erik Estrada miraculously returns in one piece for the next film Do or Die, albeit as a totally new character, good guy Richard 'Rico' Estevez; Estrada even gets to romp with Speir in a brief sex scene, no questions asked.

I guess it's what I should expect from a movie franchise in which top-heavy female federal agents squeeze into tiny outfits to take on the never-ending stream of ruthless villains who turn up on their tiny Hawaiian island. This time around, it's none other than Mr. Miyagi himself, Pat Morita, who plays the baddie, a Japanese criminal by the name of Kane, who is so fed up with buxom babes Donna and Nicole (Speir and Roberta Vasquez) ruining his illegal operations that he forces them to play a deadly game of cat and mouse against six pairs of his best killers.

Their lives in danger, the girls head for the mainland and are subsequently pursued across several states, thereby allowing Sidaris to set his cheesy action set-pieces against a variety of backdrops whilst also indulging his usual obsessions: humongous breasts, high powered weaponry, and remote control scale models (but, rather surprisingly, no men in drag). As always, there are several steamy soft-core sex scenes (a couple of which are surprisingly artful in their execution), some dumb comedy, and a few poorly staged fight and chase scenes (including one with really crap ninjas). Also adding to the fun is the introduction of two new female characters: Pandora Peaks as Atlanta Lee, owner of the film's biggest pair of tits, and Ava Cadell as Ava, owner of quite possibly the most awesome body of the whole series.

Best of all, though, is the sight of Mr. Miyagi rolling around in bed with his surgically enhanced Japanese babe Silk (Carolyn Liu), the old man clearly using moves that he never dared divulge to young Daniel Larusso.

I rate Do or Die 6.5 out of 10, rounded up to 7, making it my new favourite of the series so far.

The sixth in Andy Sidaris' series of Playboy Playmate/CIA agent extravaganzas is probably one of the most entertaining, although the story actually makes more sense than usual -- which robs it of some of its camp value. (Part of the fun of Andy's movies is trying to make sense of his unnecessarily convoluted plots, which he gleefully admits to cranking out in longhand on legal pads in "about four days.") Asian crime boss Pat Morita (so that's what happened to Arnold after he left "Happy Days"!) puts out a hit on CIA bikini-stuffers Dona Spier and Roberta Vasquez, which basically sets in motion Sidaris' take on "The Most Dangerous Game," except we've got Erik Estrada and lots of nudity thrown into the mix. It's all utterly silly, but so funny and do with so much zest that you can't help but get a big kick out of it. In many ways, it's actually better than the James Bond films of the same period (ugh! Timothy Dalton!). "Do or Die" makes its DVD debut on March 25, 2003.