Dice Rules

Watching this embarrassing spectacle was a reminder that the dumbing-down didn't start just yesterday with Paris Hilton's generation. Clay is unfunny and primitive to the bone, hence no wonder the crowds looked like as if every single American gas-station attendant and janitor had been flown to the gig to watch their one and only hero spit out nursery rhymes that any 8-grader could top given just ten minutes and a paper and a pencil.

The humour is beyond sophomoronic: it is utterly predictable and cheap. I'm one of the biggest proponents of political incorrectness in comedy, but being solely un-PC does not a good comedian make. The material, I am convinced, was specifically/intentionally targeted at the country's lowest demographics, and by that I mean the lowest IQs, people with the lowest education levels, even physical appearances. I've seen more intelligent/better-looking crowds at TV evangelist mass prayers. Watching a bunch of moronic riff-raff recite Clay's infantile rhymes was like sneaking a peak at your typical day at a school for the mentally-challenged.

Besides, making fun of invalids is not only downright pathetic, but the easiest thing anyone could possibly do; like stealing candy from a baby. Hence those "gags" were the worst. "Ha-ha, those midgets, they're so short, see!" It's amazing that even the most bird-brained truck-driver would find this amusing...

Clay hasn't even got half the charisma necessary to pull off any of these cretinous jokes. In fact, to get away with such ultra-inferior material, he'd have to be 20 Eddie Murphys, Ricky Gervais's and Dana Carveys rolled into one.

by Dane Youssef

Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Martin Lawrence, Bill Cosby, Bernie Mac, Darryl Hugley, Jerry Seinfeld, Steve Harvey. What do they all have in common?

They are all stand-up comedians who have had the honor of having their stand-up acts get filmed into movies.

"Dice Rules" is one of the few to actually make it to theaters. And with good reason. Dice is one of those comedians who has a strong persona and stage presence. As a matter of fact, that's stronger than any of his material.

The very beginning of the flick where the Diceman croons is almost worth the rental price. He has such pipes, you kinda wish he actually put more use into them. He did a first-rate job in his first (and only) Hollywood star-vehicle "The Adventures of Ford Fairlane" where he sings "But I Ain't' Got You." He does the same here with an opening bit "Can't You Take A Joke?" But before we're treated to the main course (Dice in a sold-out concert at Madison Square Garden), we get an appetizer. You know, so these things feel more like an actual movie than just some tape-recorded stand-up bit.

The opening clip entitled "A Day In The Life" features a cock-and-bull prologue about who he was (Andrew Silverstein) before he became "The Diceman." Eddie Murphy has a brilliant one in his stand-up movie "Raw," and Martin Lawrence had an effective one at the beginning of "Runtelldat" where the press is airing out Lawrence's dirty laundry and kicking him when he's down on his knees.

That quickie movie in "Dice Rules," is the biggest abomination and folly since Napoleon and Waterloo. Dice has NEVER been this unfunny. Has anyone?

The Jerry Lewis vocalizations are painfully annoying. Not just annoying really, but actual torture. Like bamboo under the fingernails or death by a thousand cuts. I know he's know for that s--t (he's known for breaking into on occasion), but it irritates to the point that we feel like we're being interrogated. The people antagonizing his ass, riding him like a damn pogo stick, until he's ready to break. It's so horribly done. It's not even so bad, it's funny. It's more like... unforgivable. And the payoff (I can't believe I just used that term), is so patronizing, it's the most offensive thing in the whole movie. Not the goddamn stand-up material.

I read right here on IMDb that the whole "Diceman" character was largely inspired by Jerry Lewis in "The Nutty Professor." Fine, but that mock Lewis voice is excruciating. And the other actors are just as bad. Well... almost as bad.

Good Lord, and he wrote this bit? I was so sick, I couldn't even vomit.

Then this mini-colonoscopy ends and we're treated to centerpiece. The minute we see the Diceman pull on his luxurious studded trademark leather jacket, we know something big is happening. As if Elvis himself has resurrected and is performing for one night only. Perhaps for them, it is.

His impersonation of an Itallian accent is so thick, you could choke on it. It's a miracle he doesn't.

The weirdest thing about the film is the audience members in concert. The audience doesn't stay quiet while he tells his jokes and then laugh when the punchline comes. They spend almost every second throughout the film cheering. Every time he opens his mouth, every time he says something---anything--the audience cheers like mad. Hell, every time he finishes a sentence (even before he actually even begins to make a point), the whole damn crowd gives him a standing ovation.

Jesus, throughout the whole damn movie, the cheering never stops. Dice may the star here, but it feels like we hear the damn crowd more than him. I... I must confess, I actually someone to start heckling them. I wanted to start throwing tomatoes at the crowd.

Remember the "Seinfeld" episode where Jerry gets heckled by Kramer's girlfriend, so Jerry, in retaliation, goes to where she works to heckle her? Yeah, I wanted to grab every one of them and scream, "Hey, idiots! You're in awe of the Dice, I can see that, but I can't hear HIM! DAMN!

Oh, and you know that whole "Jerry Lewis" vocal shtick I was talking about? Yeah, he keeps doing it throughout the whole movie. Whenever he's impersonating someone else, especially some woman. Lord, it makes you want to kill. Him.

Dice's usual subjects---women, sex, homosexuals, New Yorkers, the elderly, the ill. Hell, birds and insects, even. I gotta admit, I laughed at that. Damn freaking' birds & insects.

Still, as a stand-up concert film, this one's kind of a strike-out. The opening bit is too dumb and horrible to inspire anyone to do anything, but feel pain. And the rest of the stand-up, well... if you're a Dice fanatic (and you damn well who you are), then well.. hit-and-miss.

Dice is polarizing. You love the MF or you want him dead. There's no middle ground.

So, if you are reading these words right now... this review, and ANY of the other registered user reviews on IMDb for this one... that means that...

A)Youv'e been wanting to see this movie since you first fell in love with Dice. But it's been hard to find, especially on DVD. Not exactly "Casablanca."

B)You already have and you're just curious to see what others had to say about it.

Otherwise, you'll give yourself rabies, beat yourself to death, swallow fire (and more) before you even glance at one frame at anything related to Dice.

Still, "Ford Fairlane" continues to be his best work. I'd like to see Silverman actually cut a whole album full of music with himself on vocals and maybe push back for a while on the possibility of another comedy album anytime soon.

the opening segment, which explains how andrew became "the diceman," may be the most hilarious & entertaining thing i have ever witnessed. clay showcases his little-seen acting ability & shows a penchant for slapstick, physical humor. those who can't find the humor in this opening film must be spending a little too much time sniffing airplane glue. even if you aren't a fan of dice's stand-up shtick, i suggest that you rent "dice rules" to get a better appreciation for his talents as a comedic actor. even though the concert portion (the sold-out show at madison square garden) isn't his best, it's still filled with classic dice moments that will bring a nostalgic tear to any true fan's eye. but i'd pay top dollar for this movie just to hear the super-square andrew utter lines like: "have you noticed how my savings have started to accrue?" simply put, he's unbelievable.

This movie really sucked. And I even like Andrew Dice Clay. Some other comments deplored his misogyny, but you have to understand that that is Clay's shtick. Clay was one of a long line of shock comics. Having said all that, this film was awful. The lead-up to the concert was not remotely funny, and the concert itself just wasn't funny (and I know Clay can be funny).

I can't say I expected much of "Dice Rules" at the beginning. It starts out with a series of lame sketches, giving us a pseudo-autobiographical look into Dice's life and how he inhabited this persona. He pretty much does this ludicrous Jerry Lewis impression, and I only laughed seldom. But I was glad to see Eddie Griffin, an underrated comedian, in one of his early roles. He appears as a gas station attendant.

Once we hit the 30-minute mark and arrive at the concert portion, all is made up for. Nonstop laughs! Dice delivers his trademark ultra-crude, ultra-explicit, ultra-nasty and ultra-funny humor. Those who don't get his humor, those who are easily offended--You shouldn't be watching this movie in the first place! For fans of Dice...you shall not be disappointed.

Sure, he's very frank with the cuss words, but I'm able to tolerate it because I know it's all an act. I mean, he's not even Italian! He's a Jew doing a very exaggerated impersonation of one. So you know all the rudeness is strictly in jest.

If you want big-time laughs...roll the Dice and take your chances! Just make sure you fast-forward through the first portion. Just stay for the stand-up.

My score: 7 (out of 10)