- Girl Scout: Is this made from real lemons?
- Wednesday: Yes.
- Girl Scout: I only like all-natural foods and beverages, organically grown, with no preservatives. Are you sure they're real lemons?
- Pugsley: Yes.
- Girl Scout: Well, I'll tell you what. I'll buy a cup if you buy a box of my delicious Girl Scout cookies. Do we have a deal?
- Wednesday: Are they made from real Girl Scouts?
- Morticia: And our credo: "Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc." "We gladly feast on those who would subdue us." Not just pretty words.
- Morticia: Have you spoken to her parents?
- Susan Firkins, Wednesday's Teacher: Well, Wednesday brought in this picture: Calpurnia Addams.
- Morticia: Wednesday's great-aunt Calpurnia. She was burned as a witch in 1706. They said she danced naked in the town square and enslaved the minister.
- Susan Firkins, Wednesday's Teacher: Really?
- Morticia: Oh, yes. But don't worry. We've told Wednesday college first.
- [Looking for something in a wardrobe]
- Morticia: "Uncle Niknak's winter wardrobe." "Uncle Niknak's summer wardrobe." "Uncle Niknak."
- Gomez: We danced the Mamushka while Nero fiddled, we danced the Mamushka at Waterloo. We danced the Mamushka for Jack the Ripper, and now, Fester Addams, this Mamushka is for you.
- Gomez: Look at her. I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way, what bliss.
- Gomez: [Morticia wakes up] Unhappy, darling?
- Morticia: Oh, yes. Yes completely.
- [Gomez sits]
- Morticia: Gomez... Sun. Il me perce comme un poignard.
- Gomez: Oh, Tish. That's French.
- Morticia: Oui.
- Gomez: Cara mia.
- [kisses Morticia's hand]
- Gomez: En garde, Monsieur Soleil!
- Morticia: Gomez...
- Gomez: Querida?
- Morticia: Last night, you were unhinged. You were like some desperate howling demon. You frightened me.
- [pause]
- Morticia: Do it again.
- Judge: [at the auction] This magnificent piece is encrusted with rubies and 15 emerald chips. It was donated by Morticia and Gomez... Addams. Remember, this year, over half our proceeds will benefit the elderly and the mentally disabled.
- [Gomez and Morticia look fondly at Grandmama]
- Judge: I'll open the bidding at $5000
- Gomez: Five, hah! Not good enough. $25,000!
- Margaret: [frantic] What are they *doing*?
- Judge: I have twenty.
- Gomez: Twenty-five!
- [to Morticia]
- Gomez: Cara mia?
- Judge: Twenty-five.
- Morticia: Thirty.
- [to Gomez]
- Morticia: Mon sauvage.
- Gomez: [voice cracks] Thirty-five!
- [to Morticia]
- Gomez: Eres divina.
- Morticia: Mm, fifty!
- Judge: I have $50,000.
- Morticia: [to Gomez] Your turn, my ecstasy.
- Judge: Fifty thousand going once, fifty thousand going twice. Sold to Morticia Addams for fifty... thousand... dollars.
- [looks disgusted as Gomez and Morticia do something obscene off-camera]
- Wednesday: Nobody gets out of the Bermuda Triangle, not even for a vacation. Everyone knows that.
- Abigail Craven: Oh, my little bundle. So much you don't understand. The human spirit, it is a hard thing to kill.
- Grandmama: Even with a chainsaw.
- Sally Jessy Raphael: So, you claim that your son was brainwashed by voodoo witch doctors and forced to recruit others? Let's take a call.
- Gomez: Hello, Sally?
- Sally Jessy Raphael: Mr. Addams, *please* stop calling! We do not know where they meet!
- [performing abridged "Hamlet" in school play; sword fighting]
- Wednesday: How all occasions do inform against me and spur my dull revenge. O, from this time forth, my thoughts be bloody or nothing worth. If I must strike you dead, I will.
- Pugsley: [slashes Wednesday's left wrist; blood sprays out] A hit! A very palpable hit!
- [Wednesday cuts of Pugsley's arm, Pugsley slashes her throat; there is lots of blood spraying everywhere, getting the front rows]
- Wednesday: O, Proud Death. What feast is toward in thine eternal cell?
- [drops both swords and falls to her knees]
- Wednesday: Sweet Oblivion, open your arms!
- [choking and gasping for breath, collapses, and dies]
- Wednesday: [the audience sits aghast in stunned silence, covered with blood while the Addams give a standing ovation]
- Gomez: Bravo!
- Morticia: Bravo!
- Gomez: Bravo! Bravo!
- Gomez: [watching home movies] Remember that fateful night?
- Uncle Fester: Of course... Your first cigar!
- Gomez: What? Come on, Old Man, I've smoked since I was five. Mother insisted.
- Uncle Fester: Haven't you ever slaughtered anyone?
- Wednesday: He's only a child.
- Uncle Fester: No excuse! Aim for a major artery. The jugular.
- [to Pugsley, who is tied up, mumbling urgently around an apple in his mouth]
- Wednesday: Don't be a baby. I know what I'm doing.
- [she levels a crossbow]
- Gomez: [to his family] They say a man who represents himself has a fool for a client. Well, with God as my witness, I am that fool!
- [last lines]
- Uncle Fester: Children, look. Great-Aunt Lavinia! She was beheaded by her own children!
- Wednesday, Pugsley: Yay!
- Gomez: Think of it, Thing. For 25 years we've attempted to contact Fester in the great beyond, and for 25 years, nothing. I'm beginning to think my brother truly is lost.
- Abigail Craven: Love/hate, hate/love. Like for Mama, no?
- Gomez: But I didn't hate my mother. It was an accident!
- [Gordon, Craven and Tully keep trying to open the Addams Family Vault. For the umpteenth time, the house's booby traps dump them outside the house]
- Abigail Craven: You are doing this on purpose!
- Uncle Fester: [sarcastic] That's right, Mother, isn't this fun!
- Tully Alfford: I'll race you back.
- Gomez: [as they search for Wednesday] Fan out. Pugsley, head for the dung heap. Mama and Morticia, the shallow graves. I'll take the abyss. Lurch, check out the bottomless pit. Fester?
- Uncle Fester: [from a window] Up here!
- Gomez: [shouting up to him] Fester, you take the ravine, and the unmarked, abandoned well!
- Uncle Fester: Somebody should stay behind in case she comes back.
- Gomez: Good man. Good thinking!
- Grandmama: Then who'll take the swamp?
- Gomez: [Thing taps Gomez's shoe] That's the spirit, Thing. Lend a hand. Let's go!
- Abigail Craven: [after the party in Fester's honour] Gordon, I don't understand this. Let me get this clear. Have you been having a good time?
- Uncle Fester: [jubilant] Yes, I have! It was marvelous. I sang up a storm! And I danced 'till I dropped! The Mamushka!
- Uncle Fester: What is this?
- Morticia: Mama's spécialité de la maison.
- Gomez: Oh, Tish.
- Grandmama: [to Fester] Start with the eyes.
- Uncle Fester: [reading a book] Look, children. A new chapter.
- Uncle Fester, Wednesday, Pugsley: "Scabs".
- Gomez: [Playing with the train set, ranting about Fester's finger-trap] "How do you take it off?" That's absurd! That finger-trap was a party favor at his 10th birthday!
- Morticia: [In the room below, Morticia is reading a bedtime story to Wednesday and Pugsley. She looks up at the noise] Oh, no.
- Pugsley: Father's playing with his trains.
- Gomez: He wore that finger-trap for two years! Mother had to teach him to eat with his feet! And the combination! AND the password! And my cigar! And he slept so well!
- [Thing bangs his fist as Gomez speeds up the trains]
- Pugsley: He's using the diesel!
- Wednesday: [Looking horrified, as the train approaches a bridge] The covered bridge!
- Morticia: [Horrified, as the train runs through a ravine] Dead Man's Curve!
- [Grandmama looks up exasperatedly then continues read Gray's Anatomy. Lurch looks up as he darns his socks. A man on the train looks up as Gomez laughs maniacally]
- Wednesday: It's all about Uncle Fester, isn't it?
- Morticia: [Looks up as Fester passes through a pipe. Her eyes narrow]
- [as the trains approach each other]
- Gomez: Spirits above me... Give me a sign! Shall I be joyous? Or shall I be damned?
- [Trains collide and explode in front of Gomez's face]